Today is February 2, 2009 and I still do not have the flying car I requested. I believe, in fact, that I was promised a flying car in one of your campaign speeches. I don’t remember which one. It was in one of our states. Anyway.

Also, I note that people are still hungry somewhere. I, myself, would like a sandwich. I am willing to have the price of my sandwich deducted from my tax returns, however I must remind you that if the sandwich does not appear at my desk within thirty minutes of posting this letter, the sandwich is free. As to the other people who are hungry, please fix it as per your campaign promise that I heard about somewhere, maybe NPR, in that speech you gave in some state.

I would also like a plastic rocket and a pony.

I heard on the radio this morning that we are launching missiles into lawless parts of western Pakistan (and if you could hear the way I pronounced “Pakistan” I think you would approve; it was just like yours: “Pah-kee-stahn.”) in an attempt to eradicate Al-Qaeda and the Taliban. I must admit I was shocked. Why are we doing this? I was given to understand that you would hover in high earth-orbit and use your super-hearing to pinpoint the location of Taliban and Al-Qaeda bases and then defuse their weaponry with tightly focused bursts of your x-ray and heat vision. I understand that you have a bunch of bills to sign and whatever, but can’t you take those with you into the upper atmosphere? If it’s a problem of the ink in the pen freezing at those altitudes I will gladly purchase you one of those revolutionary “space pens”. You can deduct the price of the pen from my tax return. Seriously, I’m cool with that.

And, while we’re on the subject of global evil, where is Osama bin Laden? I assumed you would immediately scour the four corners of the earth at just under the speed of light and find him. Or check your “Naughty/Nice” list…do they still list delivery addresses on that if they’re “Naughty”? Or, you know, spot him from high earth-orbit as we previously discussed. Though, come to think of it, bin Laden is a wily foe indeed. Like all super-villains he probably has a secret lair somewhere just loaded with anti-Obama technology. It’s probably lead-lined and has sound baffles and stuff. Still, I hope you are working hard to find him before he can lay his hands on some Obamanite, your sole weakness.

I probably shouldn’t have posted that bit of info on the Internet, should I? Dang.

Well, I hope you won’t hold an innocent mistake against me when once again considering my requests. To reiterate: Flying car. Magical flying pony that craps money. Salma Hayek. Oh, and world peace an end to hunger and poverty, etc. etc. The usual.

I understand you’re a busy superman, but if you could get on this post-haste I would greatly appreciate it. After eight years of living under the thumb of a second-rate villain who can’t even pronounce “nuclear” I think I deserve it. I mean, seriously. Captain Boomerang would have been a better president than that yahoo, except for the whole being Australian thing.

I hope this letter finds you in good health.

Sincerely,

–Joe

P.S. Oh, and a B.B. gun. I promise to use it responsibly.