You’ll All Pay #44

(c) Joe Conat 2006

I woke up this morning to the news that police in the UK had thwarted a massive plot to blow up American airplanes using liquid explosives.  Coffee?  No thanks, I’m set.


Bush is still…Bush.  Though, hey, he shrunk a quarter of an inch.  Any chance he’ll shrink a whole lot more and slip down the shower drain or get eaten by a spider?
 There’s just too much going on in the world and this here column languishes unattended, dust gathering in the corners.  Something must be done.  Attention must be paid!
So…we’re going for a change of pace today.  Today I will intrepidly venture into the realm of pop culture and all its stupid stupidity that I stupidly enjoy. Okay, I know the “blogosphere”…all right, irrelevant aside here:  I’m kinda sick of the term “blogosphere”.  I don’t know why.  It’s not like I’m some meteorological nut all offended by the merging of atmospheric terms with the already weirdly shortened “web log” to “blog”.  I’m just tired of it. I think it’s starting to lack punch.  I say we should start referring to the “blogosphere” as the Realm of Blog.  Or possibly the Blog Empire.  I think it makes for better introductions at blogger gatherings, if there are any.  “I am Co-N’at of the Realm of Blog!  I come to ravish, pillage and mock your culture!”  “Hey, I read your stuff.  Good work.”
 

…anyway, the Realm of Blog has been in uproar for months and months over the coming-soon-to-a-theater-near-you late summer blockbuster “Snakes on A Plane”.  I know that bandwagon has been on the road for awhile and I’m a latecomer to the convoy, but I’m-a jumpin’ on, ’cause…funny.
 

It’s brilliant.  Not the movie, I haven’t seen the movie.  The *name*, man!  “What’s your movie about?”  “Snakes on a plane.”  “Cool, I guess.  What’s it called?”  “Snakes On a Plane.”  “Neat.”
I think it’s a trend we should encourage.  It’s honest.  It’s refreshing.  Imagine, if you will, the gravelly stentorian tones of Don LaFontaine growling out at you from a THX Surround Sound system:  “In a world…without honor.  A time…without justice.  A town…without hope.  One man…will stand against the darkness.  One man…will bring hope…to the hopeless.  Coming Summer 2007…Bruce Willis Shoots Everybody!”
 

Who wouldn’t go see that?  I would personally lay down the $9.00 for a ticket plus sign the loan papers necessary to acquire enough funds to buy snacks to see “Bruce Willis Shoots Everybody“.  In IMAX.
 

Here’s a few more that I came up with:
-Stupid Movie About Cheerleading
-Stupid Movie About High School
-Inspirational Story Involving Football
-Inspirational Story About Some Crippled Guy
-Inspirational Story About Baseball Aimed Almost Exclusively At Middle-Aged Men.
-Denzel Washington Gets All Intense
-Chick Flick, or, Two Hours Any Man Will Never Get Back
-Peter Jackson Spends Lots of Money And You *LOVE* It!
-Hugh Grant Stammers A Lot and Gets the Girl
-Sci Fi Movie With Plot Holes Big Enough To Pilot a Star Destroyer Through, But Has a MONSTROUS SFX Budget So You Will Go See It On The Big Screen
-Jay and Silent Bob Make Fart Jokes for Two Hours (with Added Donkey Scene)
-Sex Comedy For the Brain Dead
-A Will Ferrell Movie
-Horror In a Cave, Or Possibly While Camping!  From the Makers of Horror With Carpentry Implements! and Horror In a Hotel!
-Hot Chicks Robbing Banks or Something.  Mmmmm…Hot Chicks…
-Isn’t Sandra Bullock Cute?
-Remember When Meg Ryan Was Cute?
-Some Guy In A Cape You Read About In a Comic Book, The Casting of Whom An Entire Horde of Comic Fanboys Collectively Gnashed Their Teeth Over For, Like, A Year.
-M. Night Shyamalan Blows It Again
 

This would make things alot simpler at the box office, I tell you what.  “Hey, which should we see:  The 7:15 showing of Horror In a Cave, Or Possibly While Camping!  From the Makers of Horror With Carpentry Implements! and Horror In a Hotel! or the 8:05 showing of M. Night Shyamalan Blows It Again?”  “Let’s see what Netflix sent us this week!”  “Okay!”
 

And what about TV?  We could apply the same  principle! 
 -Comedy Starring Washed-Up Has Beens
-Comedy About Fat Guy With Improbably Hot Wife
-Unexpectedly Good SitCom
-Cop Drama
-Cop Drama, But Grittier
-Cop Drama, But In a Different City
-Hospital Show
-Hospital Show With Sexiness!
-A UPN Show.  Change The Channel.
 

Or even books!
-Another Bodice Ripper
-A Bodice Ripper, But With Authentic Historical Detail
-Science Fiction Where The Physics Are Hand-Waved
-Science Fiction You Will Need A Slide Rule and An Engineering Degree To Understand
-Science Fiction You Will Need A Slide Rule and An Engineering Degree Just To Get The *Jokes*
-Crappy Swords & Sorcery Fantasy
-Surprisingly Good Swords & Sorcery Fantasy
-Classics You Will Never Actually Read, But They Look Impressive and Scholarly On Your Bookshelf
-Sure, Stephen King “Retired”.  Whatev.
-John Grisham.  Put It Down.
 

A new age is dawning, children.  Honesty.  Integrity.  Literalism to an annoying degree.  Embrace the future!
 

I myself am thinking of encouraging this trend.  From here on in You’ll All Pay will be known as “Who’s This Guy Who Keeps Filling My Inbox With Annoying F@#$ing Rants?  How Do I ‘Unsubscribe’?“ 
 

…
 

Maybe not.
 

“Who’s This Guy Who Keeps Filling My Inbox With Annoying F@#$ing Rants?  How Do I ‘Unsubscribe’?” is written by Joe  Conat.  You can send him An Electronic Message Through the Internet here.
 

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