You’ll All Pay #43 

(c) Joe Conat 2006

It’s tempting, when thinking about the upcoming November elections, to frame it in terms like “David vs. Goliath”; The plucky underdog Democrats stepping into the arena, the irrefutable truth acting as a simple sling and stone and slaying the bumbling tyrannical Republican giant.

But more and more it’s looking like Democrat David can’t find any rocks, and has poor aim.

I present to you House Resolution 861 for the 109th congress, a primarily self-congratulatory piece of work which accomplishes two things: 1) links the War on Terror with the War in Iraq and 2) declares it “not in the national security interest of the United States” to set a deadline for troop withdrawal from Iraq.

So, okay, here’s the nastiness the Republicans played with this one: no amendments to the resolution. So to vote no is to also vote no to “honor[ing] all those Americans who have taken an active part in the Global War on Terror, whether as first responders protecting the homeland, as service-members overseas, as diplomats and intelligence officers, or in other roles;” “honor[ing] the sacrifices of the United States Armed Forces and of partners in the Coalition, and of the Iraqis and Afghans who fight alongside them, especially those who have fallen or been wounded in the struggle, and honors as well the sacrifices of their families and of others who risk their lives to help defend freedom;” and “declares that the United States will prevail in the Global War on Terror, the noble struggle to protect freedom from the terrorist adversary.”

To recap: to vote “no” would be to say we don’t honor our troops’ sacrifice, our allies’ troops’ sacrifice and we do not declare the U.S. will win the war on terror. Also, a no vote probably means you like to kick puppies, hate springtime and Christmas and secretly worship Adolf Hitler while sodomizing goats. It’s a trick. “Hey, Democratic Party…have you stopped beating your wife yet?”

So, I guess it’s understandable that *42* democratic representatives voted a hearty “hell yes!” on H.R. 861. the same way it’s understandable that Nazi concentration camp guards were “just following orders”.

I am so tired of my political party being timid little panty-waists! C’mon…look, you know the vote for the damnable thing is going to pass with or without your vote; at least abstain. Vote “this is horseshit”. And then have some balls, walk out to the steps on the Hill and tell the press “This is a bogus resolution. H.R. 861 stands for ‘Horseshit Resolution 861′ and I refused to sully my standing with my constituents or stain my soul by partaking in this blatantly manipulative vote.”

Because, really, what is this resolution other than a Loyalty Pledge? Go read it. “Declaring that the United States will prevail in the Global War on Terror, the struggle to protect freedom from the terrorist adversary” and “Whereas the United States and its allies are engaged in a Global War on Terror, a long and demanding struggle against an adversary that is driven by hatred of American values and that is committed to imposing, by the use of terror, its repressive ideology throughout the world” and such self-back-patting verbiage as “Whereas the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and other terrorists failed to stop free elections in Afghanistan and the first popularly-elected President in that nation’s history has taken office;” “Whereas the steadfast resolve of the United States and its partners since September 11, 2001, helped persuade the government of Libya to surrender its weapons of mass destruction;” etc. etc. and moving on to resolving to honor our troops and our allies’ troops and congratulating the prime minister of Iraq and finally declaring that America will prevail in the Global War on Terror and…I mean, seriously. Who could say no? Oh, and in there is the whole “and we resolve that it would be a bad idea to say exactly when our soldiers are coming home”. If you agree with Mom, the Flag and Apple Pie, you have to also agree to shut up about troop withdrawal deadlines. Vote no…you’re a troop-hating, unpatriotic, Hitler-worshipping puppy-kicker. Vote yes…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Gotcha, sucker!

So 42 of my party’s representatives tucked their tails between their legs and sold their manhoods cheap and whispered “aye” with shameful voices. They caved to the bullies and I wouldn’t be surprised if they forked over their lunch money without protest both in school as children and again in the cafeteria on Capitol Hill.

Even the “Democratic presidential nominee hopeful” Hillary Clinton (and, I must admit, that phrase leaves a vile acidic taste on the back of my tongue) has been so bold as to state unequivocally “I have to just say it: I do not think it is a smart strategy either for the president to continue with his open-ended commitment, nor do I think it is smart strategy to set a date certain. I do not agree that that is in the best interest of our troops or our country.”

In other words, “I want my cake and I believe it is in my best interests to eat it, too.” Hillary evidently paid very close to the “double speak” portions of Orwell’s “1984″.

I’m tired of the Dems doing this pussy-footing around, afraid to alienate the moderates while being afraid to alienate the left. “I think not having a deadline is a bad idea; on the other hand, I think *having* a deadline is a bad idea.” “I voted for the war before I voted against the war.”

Or maybe I’m the dimwitted one, here. Maybe it’s a kind of Zen koan, like “the sound of one hand clapping”. Their answer is occult, but not a non-answer…it is shrouded in mystery, like the ineffable will of God or something. “Ponder this riddle…how does one not have a deadline to withdraw troops while not NOT having a deadline to withdraw troops? When the answer is clear to you, you shall have attained Political Enlightenment.” Like suddenly the Democratic Party is comprised of Shaolin Politicos. “Snatch the resolution from my hand, Grasshopper…”

November is not that far away, people. We don’t need obfuscatory speech and shifty-eyed evasion. We don’t need “depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.” What we need is direct action, a clear path, a viable and attainable goal.

And we sure don’t need 42 Democratic representatives licking GOP wingtips by voting yes on what is clearly a crap resolution.

Of course we support the troops. Of course we honor their sacrifice, and the sacrifice of our allies. Of course we want the United States to prevail in the Global War on Terror. But that doesn’t mean if somebody tacks on “And if you support those things you have to support a lack of deadline for troop withdrawal” you should shrug and go “Okay, I guess.” It’s like saying “Do you support breathing?” “Yes. Yes, I do.” “Then you also support the mandatory attachment of leeches to one’s private parts.” “Wh–? Okay. That makes sense.”

Because, 1) No, it doesn’t. and B) NO. IT DOESN’T.

So, please, Democratic Party…can we please go out and find somebody with a spine? Actually…can we get 43 somebodies with spines? 42 for the House and 1 for President?

We need a true David with a good slingin’arm and decent aim. David wouldn’t have won if he’d been too busy debating where to hit Goliath, you know? “Well, if I hit him in the head, I’ll annoy the Head Lovers Associations, but if I get him in the heart there’s the whole Heart Aficionados coalition to contend with and I could really use their support…I don’t even want to think about the headaches a groin shot would bring down on me…”

Meanwhile, GOP Goliath has moseyed on up and just tromped on David’s spinning little head and moved on to pillage and rape.

For the love of God…pick a direction. After the total SNAFU Bush has turned this country into, any direction that isn’t “Further into the quagmire!” would be welcome.

The giant is that way. Here’s a rock…it’s called The Truth.

Hit somebody, will ya?

You’ll All Pay was discovered buried in the desert near Yemen on some rotting papyrus. Parts of this translated “gospel” have been extrapolated using the scientifically approved “well of course he meant to say ‘sodomizing a goat’” method. You can reach beyond the veil of dust and time to tell the author he’s no prophet, just a madman in the desert here. Please be sure to phrase your comment in Aramaic.

Like what you read? Click here for updates.