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You’ll All Pay #39

© Joe Conat 2005

Main Entry: lib•er•al
Pronunciation: ‘li-b(&-)r&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Latin liberalis suitable for a freeman, generous, from liber free; perhaps akin to Old English lEodan to grow, Greek eleutheros free
1 a : of, relating to, or based on the liberal arts b archaic : of or befitting a man of free birth
2 a : marked by generosity : OPENHANDED b : given or provided in a generous and openhanded way c : AMPLE, FULL
3 obsolete : lacking moral restraint : LICENTIOUS
4 : not literal or strict : LOOSE
5 : BROAD-MINDED; especially : not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or traditional forms
6 a : of, favoring, or based upon the principles of liberalism b capitalized : of or constituting a political party advocating or associated with the principles of political liberalism; especially : of or constituting a political party in the United Kingdom associated with ideals of individual especially economic freedom, greater individual participation in government, and constitutional, political, and administrative reforms designed to secure these objectives

Main Entry: lib•er•al•ism
Pronunciation: ‘li-b(&-)r&-”li-z&m
Function: noun
1 : the quality or state of being liberal
2 a often capitalized : a movement in modern Protestantism emphasizing intellectual liberty and the spiritual and ethical content of Christianity b : a theory in economics emphasizing individual freedom from restraint and usually based on free competition, the self-regulating market, and the gold standard c : a political philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties d capitalized : the principles and policies of a Liberal party

Main Entry: con•ser•va•tive
Pronunciation: k&n-’s&r-v&-tiv
Function: adjective
1 : PRESERVATIVE
2 a : of or relating to a philosophy of conservatism b capitalized : of or constituting a political party professing the principles of conservatism : as (1) : of or constituting a party of the United Kingdom advocating support of established institutions (2) : PROGRESSIVE CONSERVATIVE
3 a : tending or disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions : TRADITIONAL b : marked by moderation or caution c : marked by or relating to traditional norms of taste, elegance, style, or manners
4 : of or relating to Conservative Judaism

Main Entry: con•ser•va•tism
Pronunciation: k&n-’s&r-v&-”ti-z&m
Function: noun
1 capitalized a : the principles and policies of a Conservative party b : the Conservative party
2 a : disposition in politics to preserve what is established b : a political philosophy based on tradition and social stability, stressing established institutions, and preferring gradual development to abrupt change
3 : the tendency to prefer an existing or traditional situation to change

What’s this all about, Joe? Why for the dictionary entries? Is this going to be…educational?

It might. Hang in there, okay?

See, the thing is…I’m getting pissed off. I’m sorry, but I am. Every third article I read throws in how the political right has taken over the language and turned “liberal” into a bad word. “How do we take the language back?” they moan, wringing their sweaty hands and wiping them on their ACLU cards. “Whatever shall we do?”

You know how you take language back? You use it.

Look at the definitions above. Liberal: of or befitting a man of free birth. Marked by generosity. Broad-minded…not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or traditional forms.

Liberalism: a movement in modern Protestantism emphasizing intellectual liberty and the spiritual and ethical content of Christianity (moral values, anyone?). A theory in economics emphasizing individual freedom from restraint and usually based on free competition, the self-regulating market, and the gold standard (isn’t that also called “free market economy” or am I high?) A political philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties. (Hey! Sounds like a free democracy!)

Now let’s take a look at conservative: Preservative (okay, makes me think of formaldehyde). Tending or disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions.

Conservatism: Disposition in politics to preserve what is established. A political philosophy based on tradition and social stability, stressing established institutions, and preferring gradual development to abrupt change. The tendency to prefer an existing or traditional situation to change.

So what does that say to me? Liberal = freedom loving, patriotic, highly moral and dynamic. Conservative = stuck in a rut, status-quo loving and afraid of change.

But the right has made “liberal” a bad word. How did they do it? By saying it with a sneer in their voice, and prefacing it with terms like “bleeding heart” or “tree hugger”. Their strategy has been to paint the liberal as overly sentimental…as naive…as weak. When they talk about “liberal policies” that would give government funds to needy people or further education or whatever, the implication when they mock and deride these policies is that the people those programs would help…and by extension the liberals that propose them…are incapable of fending for themselves, they lack the American spirit of do-it-yourself rugged individualism.

We know that’s not true. Liberals are not, as a species, weak, naive or incapable of self advancement. We know this…but do we show that? No. We play into their image of liberals by whining that the conservatives are meanie-heads and moaning that they’ve usurped the language.

Well, it’s time to fight back. You take language by using language.

So, like the right tends to preface liberal with “bleeding heart” and the like, I say everyone who reads this, no matter the context, prefaces the word “conservative” with “afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard” or similar. Doesn’t matter who you’re talking to.

“Hey, mom…I was just reading in the paper that the afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard conservatives are still pushing that afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard conservative John Bolton for the U.N.”

“You know…some of my best friends are afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard conservatives…”

“$400 for my brakes?! Is that an afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard conservative estimate?”

Just do that all the time. Call up Air America or any other “liberal” talk radio or television venue and use that over the phone. Encourage others to do the same. Soon we’ll hear Al Franken saying “Today the afraid-of-change, rut-loving, corrupt bastard conservatives again tried to bend the country over without a kiss…”

And make sure you hit that sneer in your voice when you say “conservative”. Make your voice full of scorn and absolute derision when you say it. Just…think of whatever you despise. When you say “conservative”, think “pervert”, but not that fun kind of pervert that you sort of want to hook up with at parties. No, the kind of pervert that’s into something that make you blink and wrinkle your nose in disgust no matter how hard you try to be polite when they tell you they really get off on fantasies of John Bolton and a midget nun.

I mean…the midget nun I could understand, but…

Think of cockroaches. Earwigs.

Think of No Child Left Behind.

Whatever it is you think of, just keep it up. Never let the word “conservative” or the phrase “right wing” by your lips without conveying utter revulsion. Make it an epithet, a curse. Spit between your two fingers when you say it, make the sign of the Evil Eye.

Within a few years, perhaps, “conservative” will be the bad word, and Republicans will use the same embarrassed prevarication liberals use today. You know what I’m talking about…”I’m not ‘liberal’ I’m ‘progressive’.” Might as well just deny everything. “I’m not ‘Irish’, I’m ‘off-the-coast European’.” “My hair isn’t brown, it’s off-black with auburn highlights…”

It’s weak. It’s making excuses for what you believe and that makes your beliefs a lie. Knock it off. Take the language by using the language. Make *them* start saying “I’m not ‘conservative’, I’m ’social stability oriented’” and we can all snicker behind our hands for once for their ineffectiveness.

I mean it. Stop apologizing, stop agonizing. Call a conservative a jerk and fight back. I’ve been saying it again and again…fight back. Forget the Marquis of Queensbury rules, fight just as hard and dirty as they do. We’re not weak, we’re not naive. Take back the language.

Use the language.

You’ll All Pay is written by hand-wringing, bleeding-heart, tree-hugging liberal weenie Joe Conat. Actually, call him that and he’s likely to knife you in the spleen. He also once killed a man just because of how he voted. You can take your chances by mailing him here.

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