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You’ll All Pay #37

© Joe Conat 2005

My wife has a sore throat. So far, she has only gone so far as to suck on some Ricola throat lozenges to alleviate her pain and attempt to get well. I think that’s craziness, but she refuses to drink TheraFlu because, to quote her, it “tastes like rotten ass in a teacup”.

I guess I’ll just have to have Congress force her to drink TheraFlu.

What? Isn’t that Congress’ job? Hey, if they can force Terry Schiavo to eat through a tube, they can certainly take five minutes, or five hours if necessary, to draft legislation that would allow a federal judge to review whether or not my wife should drink TheraFlu, and enforce said drinking of TheraFlu should they decide that way.

No, I don’t think Congress has anything more important to do. Iraq? Pfah…it’s a loss, everyone knows that. Social Securi-what? Aren’t they going to exchange benefits for casino chips from Morongo and let the elderly play Pai-gow to enhance their future or something? Problem solved. North Korea? Nuclear schmuclear.

No, no…I truly believe that Congress’ real concern is getting my wife to drink TheraFlu. I think, in fact, that they should send federal marshals to my home, weapons drawn, and force a funnel into her mouth and pour hot, steaming good-for-you TheraFlu down her gullet.

Taxpayers’ money? What? Pfah. That’s a loss…everyone knows it.

If the TheraFlu doesn’t work, I believe the government should send a National Guard unit to my house and force at least 48 hours of bedrest on my wife. At gunpoint, if necessary, though we all pray it won’t come to that.

Federalist rule? States’ rights? Look, if “states’ rights” actually worked, my wife would not, even as I type, be suffering from a sore throat despite my exhortations to her that she drink TheraFlu. And yet, I do not see Arnold Schwarzenegger shoving a mug full of yummy medicine-filled TheraFlu in my wife’s face while wearing bitchin’ Gargoyle-brand shades and intoning some witty one-liner like “I vill terminate your sore throat like I terminate special interest groups in Kah-lee-fornya”. If you can’t get the star of “Predator” to shatter my wife’s kneecaps if she doesn’t take her medicine and get rid of her sore throat, then I guess the Congress and the United States Military will have to do it.

Look, we live in a nation that has embraced a “culture of life” whatever that is. I don’t know, I just know I can use it to justify outrageous wastes of time, effort, government resources and money to make sure my wife drinks TheraFlu. I don’t need to adhere to constitutional articles if I say “culture of life”. It’s a magical phrase that lets me get what I want…my wife to drink TheraFlu…and ignore law, precedent, jurisdiction and propriety. “But—“ No. Shut up. “But—“ “CULTURE OF LIFE! CULTURE OF LIFE!” Now sit down.

I understand that for thirty years my wife has done just fine without TheraFlu and that there are many facts and preceding circumstances in which the anti-TheraFlu “theory” was tested and proved to be just spiffy. “Culture of life!” I think she should take TheraFlu, her grandmother agrees with me and we’re going to Washington D.C. where the House and the Senate will undoubtedly pass hasty, poorly judged and completely outrageous legislation backing me up.

Prepare to drink TheraFlu, honey. Your country demands it. Well, I demand it and I’m pretty sure I can get a bunch of lawmakers to ignore the Constitution and get my back on this.

I can’t wait for when Emeline gets older and I can call in Special Forces to enforce bedtime, just like they did for that cute little Elian Gonzales.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat, and you will read it, by special order of Congress under their “Monday Just After Palm Sunday Compromise Thingy” law. You can tell Joe to shut up and take his anti-depressants regularly he thinks he’s so high and mighty just look at what he does and does Congress say anything about that? here.

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You’ll All Pay #36

© Joe Conat 2005

Don’t believe what you read in the papers. Don’t believe what the President, Vice-President, Secretary of State or any of their mouthpieces (either legally or illegally paid) say. The “War on Terror” is a big fat honkin’ lie.

Where are the masterminds? Where? Show me a mastermind that we have captured and are preparing to try. Can’t? What? What’s that? Yeah, what I thought.

We have the most advanced military in the world. We, allegedly, have the most advanced intelligence apparatus in the world. We are technologically capable of reading the shoe-tread on a footprint from space. We have an entire industrial park, Fort Meade, which can, supposedly, monitor every single communication coming into or out of our country…and, according to some people, anywhere in the world. We have supercomputers to sift through all that data looking for keywords like “bomb” “airplane” etc.

And yet…

Why? you may wonder. Why are we so patently ineffective at catching one guy, or a series of guys, or stopping terrorist threats? What’s up? Aren’t we number one? Don’t we reserve the right to say “Booyah! In your face!” to the world and have the wherewithal to back that up?

Because the “War on Terror” makes good theater. And good theater distracts us, the people, from the shenanigans in Washington D.C.

Like, for instance, the bankruptcy bill. Written by and for credit card companies and shopped to a friendly Congressman, the bill would make bankruptcy law tougher…making it harder for the average middle-class person to declare bankruptcy to alleviate their debt.

The credit card companies claim that people have been abusing bankruptcy law by amassing large debts and then moseying away. Actually, that’s not so much the truth. On the street level, the majority of bankruptcies are the result of bad luck. More than half come from medical emergencies. The larger part of the rest come from job loss, divorce or other significantly financially damaging events.

What does this mean? If you lose your arm in an industrial accident and can’t work…tough. Suck it up. And pay and pay and pay for the rest of your life.

But support the war in Iraq. Failure to support the war in Iraq is failure to support our troops. The troops who, by the way, are just as screwed by this bill as the average American. They will come home from fighting in Iraq and wage war with collection agencies. A grateful nation thanks you, men and women of the Armed Services.

Last week federal Judge Joan Humphrey Lefkow came home to find her husband and 89-year-old mother shot to death.

Lefkow had already dealt with something like this. White Supremacist Matthew Hale has solicited to have her murdered after she had ruled he could not use the name “World Church of the Creator” for his hate organization because another group (completely unaffiliated with Hale or white supremacy) was already using that name. Hale is even now awaiting sentencing.

I think by now everyone knows I’m a big fan of the First Amendment. As much as I think White Supremacists, Neo-Nazis and their ilk are verminous scum who should have their tongues torn out with white-hot tongs just before they’re lobotomized with rusty icepicks, well…they have the right to speak and spread their filth. It’s one of the things I’m proudest of about this country. These people are protected even if I find them nauseating.

But soliciting murder or committing murder in the name of a “cause”…well, kids, that’s terrorism. And yet I don’t see anybody sending National Guard Reservists to Alabama or wherever these McVeigh-types might be.

The “War on Terror” is a lie.

Today a man gave himself up for arrest in the murder of Robert McCartney. Robert McCartney was beaten and stabbed to death outside a Belfast pub. Two of the four men involved in his killing were volunteers for the Irish Republican Army.

The IRA has said that there was “no reason” for Robert McCartney’s death, meaning that he wasn’t killed for any reason connected to the IRA’s stated ends. It was just a bar fight gone bad.

But the IRA kindly offered to execute the guys who killed McCartney. Well, let me amend that; they offered to “shoot” those responsible. There’s some confusion, see, because IRA punishment shootings often involve shooting their victim in the ankle, knee or elbow. But it’s believed that, in this instance, the IRA was offering to kill.

The IRA, incidentally, is also thought to be behind a ₤26.5 million bank robbery last year and is thought to be engaged in extensive money-laundering. On February 27th ex-cabinet ministers in Britain were advised to step up their personal security in response to anticipated increases in the IRA’s terror campaign. Oh, also, they used to put bombs on trains.

I don’t see the Marines running up a beach near Belfast. Unless I missed something in between Michael Jackson molestation trial updates.

But I don’t think I missed anything. Because the “War on Terror” is a lie. While we lose men and women in Iraq, the Commander in Chief travels the country trying to convince everyone that gutting Social Security and selling their future is a good thing. While we wait for word of bin Laden’s capture and Saddam Hussein’s trial, the White House is letting prostitutes into the press room under assumed names.

While the casualties on both sides mount, the Pentagon downplays what our side is suffering by flying in the wounded at night, with no photos allowed. These men and women are being denied their glorious welcome home because they might remind America that we lose more troops every day with little or no progress on our alleged reason for sending them. They’re getting shot and blown up by insurgents in Iraq; terrorists that didn’t exist until this administration made them with our ill-conceived invasion. We have not reduced terrorism worldwide with this war. We’ve increased it.

The “War on Terror” is a lie.

After they come home under the shroud of secrecy our honored soldiers are given short shrift in the hospitals that are supposed to treat them and make them well. They suffer in silence lest their complaints again highlight the lack of progress in our stated goals overseas. A grateful nation…

Meanwhile the same GOP-funded masterminds behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth release this ad, implying that the organization that protects and helps senior citizens not only advocates homosexual marriage but hates our troops! Did you know your grandma and grandpa were peacenik commie homo-lovers? No, I didn’t either. Why would USANext say these things about our nation’s senior citizen advocates? Because the AARP does not support the President’s idiotic Social Security Reform plan. The same plan that will put control of your financial future past retirement in the hands of private interests who do not necessarily have your best interests at heart. Hm.

The “War on Terror” is a lie.

The FBI is having a hard time catching terrorists. This we know. What hampers them further is the Bush administration’s concession to hardcore Second Amendment advocates; namely a bill that passed last year mandating that gun purchase records had to be destroyed 24 hours after the sale. Thanks to that bit of sucking up to the NRA dozens of people linked to terrorist organizations across the country have legally…legally…purchased firearms and had their tracks covered 24 hours later. All to protect the rights and privacy of Bubba Sisterboinker in Buttnowhere Tennessee.

In the age of USA PATRIOT, this can happen? When the government can, legally, read my e-mail and break into and search my house…without a warrant, without so much as notifying me that I might be under investigation, a clear violation of the Fourth Amendment…terrorists can walk into a corner gun shop and, because they don’t instantly turn up as felons, illegal immigrants or “mentally defective” get themselves a crate of AK-47s? Does this seem logical to, I don’t know…anyone?

The “War on Terror” is a lie.

Our government is not interested in fighting terror…they want you to live in it. They want you to be distracted by Orange Alerts and American Idol and dopey yellow-ribbon “Support Our Troops” stickers. They’re pushing a vision of Us vs. Them and national unity that just isn’t so.

The Bush administration is not interested in the safety of this country or the prosperity of its citizens. It is not interested in freedom, liberty or justice. It is interested in Power and Money.

The “War on Terror” is a lie.

The Truth is out there. Go find it.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat who is sick to death of the Michael Jackson case, Martha Stewart and governmental failure to be accountable. You can tell him he’s a wackjob or notify him of any investigations against him here.

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