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You’ll All Pay #35

© 2005 Joe Conat

This is it, baby. The best scam of all! I’m gonna be RICH! I’m gonna be RESPECTED!

No, I’m not running for President. I did say “respected”. Duh.

I’m going to be a Serious Journalist.

What? Anyone can do it. Lookit…”Jeff Gannon” did it. And he’s, allegedly, some kind of gay military porn magnate or star or gigolo or something.

Didja see the use of the word “allegedly”? I’m a natural!

If that yahoo can make up a name and waltz into the White House press room I should be able to do something like that. How does “Jocko Caliber” sound?

Granted, that sort of need has been filled on the Republican side. But I’m thinking…the liberals need somebody like this. Somebody who can spew forth completely fictional partisan bile and lob softball questions to whoever…Howard Dean, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton…whoever.

Okay…somebody who can do all that and is better looking than Michael Moore.

This Jeff Gannon guy had gigs on Fox News and all kinds of right-wing radio talk shows. He was an “expert”.

I could do that! I could totally do that! I have a great radio voice!

So I’m offering my services to Air America and…and…well, Air America! I’ll lobby to be a guest on Bill Maher’s show, whatever that is. I can do what “Gannon” did.

To really do it up right, though, I’ll have to start a bunch of porn sites for liberals. Treehuggin’stud.com, maybe. BleedingHeartBoyz.net. MeetSensitiveNewAgeCardCarryingACLUMemberHotDudes.com. I’ll pose provocatively wearing that nice shirt from the Gap that my wife got me. Soon after, I should receive the first of my many daily White House press passes, thus bypassing the usual vetting by the FBI…just like “Jeff Gannon”!

Then I just have to make things up! Anything! So long as it sounds “journalistic”.

“White House sources revealed early yesterday morning that President Bush is, allegedly, a genetically created monster, the hybrid result of mixing the DNA of Adolf Hitler and a mandrill.”

Note, again, the use of the word “allegedly”. Very important.

Also imporant: insightful and incisive questions! “Senator Clinton, President Bush has stated that the war on terror is progressing smoothly and we are spreading peace, freedom, democracy and fuzzy warm wuv feelings across the face of the globe…that we are, in fact, establishing a shining empire, a paragon of purity and goodness that will hold sway over all the peoples of the Earth forever as we expand our benevolent yet forceful rule across the galaxy. How do you refrain from making the ‘jerk-off’ motion every time one of these Republican nitwit automatons bothers to open their fat gawping piehole and vomit forth more of this patently ludicrous idiocy?”

Really, besides the hot liberal-on-liberal porn sites, all I need is a left-wing sponsor to create a fictional “news organization” for me to be Washington Bureau Chief of. What’s George Soros up to these days?

It would have to have a cool name, this “news organization”. Something like “Talon News”…wait, “Gannon” already took that one! Damn it!

How about “Eagle News”? “Beak News”? “Raptor News”! Yes! Wait…then I’ll just get a bunch of “Jurassic Park” fans e-mailing me all day. “Bird of Prey News”…nope, same problem, just with guys who dress up like Klingons. I guess I’ll have to go with “Swoop From the Sky and Catch a Big Fish In My Razor Sharp Claws News”. I love it when birds do that.

So, that’s my plan. I will be a respected rich left-wing mouthpiece…er, “journalist”. I will report the news in a straightforward, objective and unbiased manner so long as it slags the Bush administration, the GOP or anybody who even glanced at a “Bush/Cheney ‘04” bumper sticker without feeling the acid in their stomachs rise to engulf their throat and tongue. I will ask hard-hitting non-partisan questions unless the person I’m asking happens to be a Democrat or a Third Party in which case I will give them ample room to balloon their own self-image and push their own agendas while simultaneously slagging the Bush administration, the GOP and every braying ass who even for a nanosecond thought “Maybe Bush isn’t the worst president to ever trod this bleak and blasted country that was so great and fine before he despoiled it in his mad bid for power.”

Hey, fair’s fair, right?

You’ll All Pay is written (sporadically) by Joe Conat. Joe Conat is a Serious Journalist who sets a blazing trail of objective clear-eyed reporting unless you happen to be a scum-sucking Republican for which crime you shall certainly be adjudged guilty of commerce with the Devil, sentenced to be hanged by the neck until you are dead dead DEAD and will rot for all Eternity in the very bowels of Hell. If you have any tips, leads or Al Franken’s phone number, you can e-mail the Finest Journalist In The World here. Janeane Garofalo’s number would be better, though.

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