Monthly Archive

You’ll All Pay #8

© Joe Conat 2004

…Or

We’re So Hosed

So…argh. So, see, the thing…argh.

ARGH!!

Okay, deep breaths. I’m good. It’s okay.

So the PresidentARGH!!

Damn.

The President gave his Sorry-Ass State of the Union address last night. In which he stated clearly and without any prevarication how, precisely, he was gonna anally rape this Grand Country of Ours and to say he shouldn’t is to be in collusion with terrorists and heathens who support gay marriage.

Okay, so he wasn’t that bad. And he did, in all fairness, use a lot of prevarication.

Let’s get to the, admittedly biased blow-by-blow of Dubya’s kiss-off to the average American, shall we? Caution: This was how it all sounded to me. Your Kiss-Off May Vary.

Dubya: ” America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them.

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure. “

I heard: “America has had the crap scared out of it, and that distracted from the fact that in my first year in office the country was already headed to Hell in a Prada-knockoff handbasket. Rather than actually fight terrorism in a smart and effective manner, I invaded Afghanistan. That actually did help so I invaded Iraq. As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world as unwitting pawns in an imperialistic world domination campaign designed not so much to bring me power, but to bring my friends money and ensure a nice nest egg after I leave office because, let’s face it, being the President doesn’t pay as much as you think. By toppling a genocidal, but ultimately non-threatening-to-the-U.S. dictator and showing the world ‘Don’t mess with us and I’m looking at you, France’ we are making Halliburton richer by the minute.”

Dubya: “Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; analysts are examining airline passenger lists; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America.”

What-I-Heard again: “Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are ‘tracking terrorists’, but really they’re watching who you, the average American citizen, call on your cell phones, talk to on instant messenger services and, in some cases, contact via semaphore and smoke signals. They see what movies you rent, what books you read and what porn sites you hit while online. Analysts are checking passenger airline lists to choose which member of a non-Caucasian ethnic group they’ll pull out of line and body cavity search just so they can watch from behind a one-way mirror and laugh at the faces they make. The men and women of our uselessly befuddled and annoyingly obiquitous Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders, all while marching jack-booted through the streets and doing middle-of-the-night ‘patriotism checks’. And their vigilance is keeping you nice and scared and meekly in line.”

Dubya: “Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world.”

What-I-Heard: “They have to be, just to make ends meet. Three jobs for a single mother still lets her get almost 45 whole minutes of sleep a day.”

Dubya: ’The American economy is growing stronger.”

What-I-Heard: “*coughbaloneycough*”

Dubya: “The tax relief you passed is working.”

What-I-Heard: “For the rich.”

Dubya: “Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in the great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You’re raising the standards for our public schools, and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare.”

What-I-Heard: “Tonight, Republican members of Congress and only the Republicans, you guys on that side of the room sit down and shut up, can take pride in the, hee hee, great works of compassion and reform that you Democrats thought, quite rightfully, were impossible. You’re raising the standards for public school teachers, guaranteeing that a lot of teachers who don’t meet our arbitrary and draconian qualifications can no longer continue teaching our children, and you are giving our senior citizens a choice between really expensive insurance-company-based health care or our crappy and pointless but guaranteed health care.”

Dubya: ” We have faced serious challenges together, and now we face a choice: We can go forward with confidence and resolve, or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us.”

What-I-Heard: “Like I said, we, as a country, stained our undies on 9/11 so now we face a choice: You Democrats and homosexual liberals can shut up and sit down, or…well…you ever watch ‘Inspector Gadget’? Remember Klaw? He’s out there, man. No, seriously, and he’s got that weird cat. That cat freaked me out. What?! Stop laughing, you damned bleeding-heart Democrats! I’m not kidding!”

Dubya: ” We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and Medicare, or we can turn back to old policies and old divisions.”

What-I-Heard: “We can continue believing the line of horse, uh…dookie I just gave you about, uh…money and schools and drugs for old people and stuff, or we can remember that under Clinton our economy was actually, you know, in the black. But don’t do that second thing because it’s ‘divisive’. You hear me, Al Franken? You want a piece of the ol’ Secret Service four-eyes?”

Dubya: ” We’ve not come all this way—through tragedy, and trial and war—only to falter and leave our work unfinished.”

What-I-Heard: “I can’t find a way out of this Iraq mess that doesn’t make me look like a Grade A horse’s ass, so can I have some more money to keep troops there until Cheney thinks of something? And will you all just, like, leave me alone and stop criticizing me until he does? Huh?”

Dubya: “Americans are rising to the tasks of history…”

What-I-Heard: “…Vietnam…”

Dubya: “…and they expect the same from us.”

What-I-Heard: “…Vietnam.”

Dubya: “In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong.”

What-I-Heard: “The people are working too hard to watch the news and so I get away with murder. Murder, I tell ya.”

Dubya: “Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people. Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001 — over two years without an attack on American soil. And it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting—and false. The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombasa, Jerusalem, Istanbul, and Baghdad. The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world. And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated.”

What-I-Heard: “It’s still scary out there so stay in your homes and let ol’ Dubya do what he wants. No, really, it’ll be best if you don’t ask too many questions. See, that ol’ Klaw is still out there and, goshdarnit, we just can’t seem to find him. Some people say that maybe we should more actively and aggressively go after Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda but they don’t have oil I can steal. And I’m pretty sure Klaw does. You don’t believe me? Look at all the bombings in, uh, Bali and the Bahamas and Casablanca…great movie…hey, did that bomb kill Humphrey Bogart? That would suck. And all those other places. It’s not because our methods are ineffective, it’s because Klaw is wily. Just like that coyote in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Ooh! Cartoons!”

Dubya: “Inside the United States, where the war began, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists.”

What-I-Heard: “9/11! Don’t forget 9/11! Give us money and unprecedented leeway! No, don’t look at the Bill of Rights, put that down right now! Look, this Patriot Act, it keeps you safe, right? Like being wrapped in a snug blanket. Sure, you can’t move, but you’re nice and warm, right? Right? My mommy still tucks me in. Only she calls herself ‘Laura’ now. And, now I know we said the Patriot Act was for hunting terrorists only, but golly it works real well against other criminal elements like dope smokers and those guys who smuggle cigarettes across state lines…you think they have cool cars like the Dukes of Hazzard? That would rock…and other criminals like intellectuals and Michael Moore.”

Dubya: “Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year.”

What-I-Heard: “Which means a lot of our toys go away. Dammit.”

Dubya: “The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule.”

What-I-Heard: “Klaw! Klaw!”

Dubya: “Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens. You need to renew the Patriot Act.”

What-I-Heard: “See, here’s how it goes. I’m not a popular guy. I’m not handsome, I’m not smart…I wouldn’t be here if my daddy hadn’t arranged it. I know this. I know a lot of people don’t want me here and don’t like what I’m doing. But I’ve become accustomed, over the years, to getting my own way and up here…well, the stakes are pretty high. So I have to know what each and every one of you is doing and to do that I need to make the United States a police state. Okay? As a beneficial side-effect, we may stop terrorists. So renew the Patriot Act. Okay? Just do it.”

Dubya: “America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September the 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities.”

What-I-Heard: “…well, mainly Pakistani authorities. But they handed his ass over pretty darn quick, you betcha.”

Dubya: “Last August the 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people.”

What-I-Heard: “Admittedly, he was caught by Thai police working with the CIA. Who probably didn’t have to use the provisions of the Patriot Act. But that’s not the point!”

Dubya: “We’re tracking al Qaeda around the world, and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed.”

What-I-Heard: “Not this Osama guy, but…”

Dubya: “Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on the manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves, and one by one, we will bring these terrorists to justice.”

What-I-Heard: “At atrocious expense to the American taxpayer and without the help of that pesky United Nations with all their ‘rules’ and whatnot. Geneva Convention my ass!”

Dubya: “As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists…”

What-I-Heard: “…Vietnam. I mean…Iraq…”

Dubya: “…and could supply them with nucular, [my spelling, but you just know that’s how he said it] chemical or biological weapons. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger.”

What-I-Heard: “Klaw!”

Dubya: “The first to see our determination…”

What-I-Heard: “…and kick-ass new fuel-air bombs! Whoosh! Boom! Hee hee hee…”

Dubya: “… were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women.”

What-I-Heard: “Not to mention the United States being given ‘favored nation’ status. That’s in their constitution. Isn’t it? Well, it should be. Still lookin’ at you, France.”

Dubya: “Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. With the help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against the surviving members of the Taliban and al Qaeda. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free and proud and fighting terror—and America is honored to be their friend.”

What-I-Heard: “Did I say friend? I meant ‘puppetmaster’. What’s that, Cheney? Oh, okay, I meant ‘friend’. No, I didn’t.”

Dubya: “Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein, and the people of Iraq are free.”

What-I-Heard: “Except for the part where it was the United Nations’ demands, ‘cause it wasn’t. But it would’ve been, eventually. I think.”

Dubya: “Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters. Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows. These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger.”

What-I-Heard: “Never mind that, if we’d had a decent exit strategery…strategy, STRATEGY, damn you Will Farrell…we might not have our servicemen and women getting blown up by insurgents every other day.”

Dubya: “Yet we’re making progress against them. The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day and conducting an average of 180 raids a week. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein’s evil regime.”

What-I-Heard: “And one of them will tell us where Klaw is. Plus, hey…oil! And bucks for Halliburton! As we used to say in my frat ‘It’s all good’. Then we’d beat holy hell out of a liberal freshman. Good times, good times…”

Dubya: “The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right.

What-I-Heard: “Least we could do after blowing seven flavors of crap out of it.”

Dubya: “And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right.”

What-I-Heard: *snort* *giggle*

Dubya: “ Last January, Iraq’s only law was the whim of one brutal man. Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. We’re working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June.”

What-I-Heard: “Remember, the secret word is ‘puppetmaster’.”

Dubya: “As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins.”

What-I-Heard: “Governed by them, yes. Bullied and frightened daily? Yes. Hey, watch this: ORANGE ALERT! Ha ha, you all flinched. But intimidated? Nah.”

Dubya: “The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom.”

What-I-Heard: “Not economic prosperity, mind. We wouldn’t want Iraqi companies taking necessary and lucrative reconstruction jobs when American companies can do it far more expensively, would we? That would be unpatriotic.”

Dubya: “Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future.”

What-I-Heard: “By shooting at the invaders. Good for them. What? That’s us? We’re the ‘invaders’? No way!”

Dubya: “And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq’s most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi.”

What-I-Heard: *coughhostagecough*

Dubya: “Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation.”

What-I-Heard: *coughfiftyfirststatecough*

Dubya: “Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better. Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime’s weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder.”

What-I-Heard: “Or our kick-ass fuel-air bombs blowing the crap out of his compound. Whoosh! Boom!”

Dubya: “Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. And one reason is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible, and no one can now doubt the word of America.”

What-I-Heard: “And the word of America is: ‘Nice country you got here. Be a shame if something…happened to it. Capice?’ Just like on ‘The Sopranos’.”

Dubya: “Different threats require different strategies. Along with nations in the region, we’re insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program. America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons. America is committed to keeping the world’s most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes.”

What-I-Heard: “That is to say ‘anybody not us’.”

Dubya: “You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace. Our closest allies have been unwavering. America’s intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless. And the men and women of the American military — they have taken the hardest duty. We’ve seen their skill and their courage in armored charges and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. I’ve had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad. “

What-I-Heard: “Remember that? When I was in the flight suit? And the ship had a sign that said ‘Mission Accomplished’, but that was just for the ship, it wasn’t supposed to be a statement that we were done ‘cause we’re not. And then I did Thanksgiving in Baghdad and we had turkey and mashed ‘taters? Those were good ‘taters. See? I’m a good Commander-in-Chief, I’m not afraid of anything. Except clowns. And Mom.”

Dubya: “Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you. And my administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.”

What-I-Heard: “Y’all aren’t coming home for a while.”

Dubya: “I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all.”

What-I-Heard: “…Vietnam…”

Dubya: “They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted and tried and convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations..”

What-I-Heard: “…not Iraq, per se, but Saudi Arabia gives us a good deal on oil. Yea oil!”

Dubya: “…and drawing up more ambitious plans. After the chaos and carnage of September the 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers.”

What-I-Heard: “You don’t need a warrant to invade another country. Hell, with the Patriot Act we don’t need warrants at all!”

Dubya: “The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States, and war is what they got.”

What-I-Heard: “Whoosh! Boom! Hee hee!”

Dubya: “Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq.”

What-I-Heard: “Pussies!”

Dubya: “Objections to war often come from principled motives. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We’re seeking all the facts.”

What-I-Heard: “And those goshdarn pesky WMDs. Where the hell could he have put them?”

Dubya: “Already, the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.”

What-I-Heard: “Why, not twenty years ago Saddam gave each of his sons a chemistry set for Ramadan. Huh? What does that mean? I think you know.”

Dubya: “Had we failed to act, the dictatator’s [sic] weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day.”

What-I-Heard: “Saddam’d still be trying to track down a copy of ‘The Anarchist’s Cookbook’ on eBay.”

Dubya: “Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world.”

What-I-Heard: “Like me. SCREW THE U.N.!”

Dubya: “Iraq’s torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent. The killing fields of Iraq — where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands — would still be known only to the killers. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein’s regime is a better and safer place.

“Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands— Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq.”

What-I-Heard: “I mean, what do these people want? Global approval? Oh.”

Dubya: “As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices.”

What-I-Heard: “God bless those limeys, euro-trash and wetbacks.”

Dubya: “From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support.”

What-I-Heard: “If by ‘support’ you mean ‘silence’.”

Dubya: “There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few.”

What-I-Heard: “The first is good and the second, prudent.”

Dubya: “America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.”

What-I-Heard: “Still lookin’ at you, France. And Germany. Bring it, you pansies.”

Dubya: “We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. I believe that God has planted in every human heart the desire to live in freedom. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again.”

What-I-Heard: “Like the South. YeeeeeHAW!”

Dubya: “As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny and despair and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends. So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of reform, confront the allies of terror, and expect a higher standard from our friend.”

What-I-Heard: “We’re gonna kick ass and chew bubble gum and we’re all out of bubble gum.”

Dubya: “To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian –“

What-I-Heard: “So they can get good old fashioned American propaganda. Plus they can hear ads for McDonald’s and ‘My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance’ on Fox!”

Dubya: “…and soon, a new television service…”

What-I-Heard: “…Fox…”

Dubya: “…will begin providing reliable news and information across the region.

What-I-Heard: “*snort* ‘Reliable’ *giggle*

Dubya: “I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, and free markets, free press, and free labor unions in the Middle East. And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world.”

What-I-Heard: “Plus open new consumer markets for our companies. Spend spend spend!”

Dubya: “America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace — a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom.”

What-I-Heard: “Unless by ‘freedom’ you mean ‘right to not be democratic if we so choose’. In which case we’ll kick your effin’ ass back to the Stone Age. Believe dat!”

Dubya: “In the last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy. We have come through recession…”

What-I-Heard: “…my fault.”

Dubya: “…and terrorist attack…”

What-I-Heard: “…not my fault…”

Dubya: “…and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war.”

What-I-Heard: “…my fault and my fault.”

Dubya: “And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.”

What-I-Heard: “God don’t let this bubble burst or I’m hosed!”

Dubya: “You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to $1,000, reduced the marriage penalty, begun to phase out the death tax, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.

Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years; new home construction, the highest in almost 20 years; home ownership rates, the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Productivity is high, and jobs are on the rise.”

What-I-Heard: “I cut some taxes, see? Sure, not really, but…look all this stuff looks good, doesn’t it? Except that ‘manufacturing’ thing, that’s a lie ‘cause people are abandoning Ohio like rats from a sinking ship to look for manufacturing work. And the job thing is a lie, too; we lost 2.5 million jobs in the last two years and that’s pretty horrible. And you didn’t really put that money to work, you paid your bills and we were hoping you’d buy a DVD player or a La-Z-Boy or something, but you didn’t because you had to pay off everything that piled up when the market tanked because I got elected…aw, screw it.”

Dubya: “These numbers confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have — and you were right to return it.”

What-I-Heard: “’cause I mean…look, I asked for eighty-six billion dollars for Iraq. And I gave the space program a mere one billion. I quite evidently don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

Dubya: “America’s growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology transforms the way almost every job is done, America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills. Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health care and biotechnology. So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy.”

What-I-Heard: “Which requires education. Which I just mangled like a baby duck in a Whisper Chipper. Hm.”

Dubya: “All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country. We’re providing more funding for our schools — a 36-percent increase since 2001. We’re requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals. We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward excellence for every child in America.”

What-I-Heard: “Remember that whole ‘arbitrary and draconian’ thing I mentioned earlier? Yeah, this is it. That money’s going to testing the teachersI and thinning the herd a bit. We’re requiring they have more education than they previously had, but we’re not about to help them get that education.

“Everything your kid needs to learn to function in this new technological era they can pick up from Sesame Street and Jake 2.0. What do you mean Jake 2.0 was cancelled? Damn it!”

Dubya: “But the status quo always has defenders. Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at the third grade level — and that’s not asking too much. Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind. This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. I refuse to give up on any child — and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America’s children.”

What-I-Heard: “By requiring that the money we gave to education be used for the aforementioned testing of the teachers and students and not for wimpy useless things like more teachers, new schoolbooks and supplies. Forget that! Those educators have been whining for years that we’re not doing enough and that the next generation of children to pass through public schools will be unable to function in the real world and I say…KILL THE MESSENGER!”

Dubya: “At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain the skills they need to find work now. Many of the fastest growing occupations require strong math and science preparation, and training beyond the high school level. So tonight, I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century. This program will provide extra help to middle and high school students who fall behind in reading and math…”

What-I-Heard: “…namely, a visit to the woodshed.”

Dubya: “…expand advanced placement programs in low-income schools, invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools.”

What-I-Heard: “As long as those professionals don’t expect to get paid. At all.”

Dubya: “I propose larger Pell grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school.”

What-I-Heard: “If you can get through those demanding high-school courses with no resources, fewer teachers and more students vying for attention…you’re the cream of the crop, baby. Here’s your grant.”

Dubya: “I propose increasing our support for America’s fine community colleges, so they can –I do so, so they can train workers for industries that are creating the most new jobs.”

What-I-Heard: “And by ‘train’ I mean ‘teach them to say “Do you want fries with that?”’

Dubya: “By all these actions, we’ll help more and more Americans to join in the growing prosperity of our country. Job training is important, and so is job creation.”

What-I-Heard: “More drive-thru El Pollo Locos!”

Dubya: “We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda. Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act — unless you act — unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes.”

What-I-Heard: “And that might get us out of this golldarned deficit and provide funding for health care and education. Nobody wants that.”

Dubya: “Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life.”

What-I-Heard: “Zombie tax! ZOMBIE TAX!!”

Dubya: “Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What Congress has given, the Congress should not take away. For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent.”

What-I-Heard: “Give Halliburton a break, will ya? Throw ‘em a bone!”

Dubya: “Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits.

Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run — so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy.”

What-I-Heard: “As long as it ain’t no fruity ‘alternative energy’ hokum. ‘Energy from the sun’. Shyeah, right! And I don’t wanna hear about the ecology, either! Didn’t you hear President Reagan all those years ago? ‘Trees cause pollution!’”

Dubya: “My administration is promoting free and fair trade to open up new markets for America’s entrepreneurs and manufacturers and farmers — to create jobs for American workers. Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account.:

What-I-Heard: “Which we could probably tax.”

Dubya: “We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people. And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayers’ dollars. “

What-I-Heard: “What? We should…what? With…huh? What?! I totally don’t get what he just said.”

Author’s Note: And it wasn’t just me. I asked around and a couple very smart people were just as friggin’ stumped by that last sentence as I was. So I don’t feel too bad.

Dubya: “In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent.”

What-I-Heard: “’Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!’ ‘Not that trick again!’”

Dubya: “This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, and be wise with the people’s money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years.”

What-I-Heard: “’Hey, Rocky! Watch Congress pull a rabbit outta its hat!’”

Dubya: “Tonight, I also ask you to reform our immigration laws so they reflect our values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers when no Americans can be found to fill the job.”

What-I-Heard: “Truth is I could use some Mexican gardeners. That Jenkins kid can’t mow my lawn right to save his life.”

Dubya: “This reform will be good for our economy because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system. A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland, allowing Border Patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security.”

What-I-Heard: “Got a job? Go on in. Got a job? Go on in. Got a job? Get back on the bus. Got a job? Go on in…”

Dubya: “I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration, and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life.”

What-I-Heard: “Back over the Rio Grande, Pedro. No, you see…you have a job, but you didn’t come here to get a job after I said you could. Get out of the country so Ricardo here, who does a mean topiary, by the way, can come in.”

Dubya: “Our nation’s health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change. Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives. This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country.

Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort, and two months ago, you showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve.”

What-I-Heard: “Not necessarily the medicine they want, but who cares what ol’ Grampa Joe thinks anyway, the senile old prick.”

Dubya: “Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs — and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional $600 to buy medicine. Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams.

In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half. Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best –

What-I-Heard: “We’ll give them a list of options so confusing they’ll have strokes just trying to choose. And, voila! Taxpayer dollars saved just from Social Security benefits we don’t need to pay that dead guy!”

Dubya: “–just as you, as members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs.”

What-I-Heard: “See? We’re sharing!”

Dubya: “And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses in a health savings account.

I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto.”

What-I-Heard: “I’m lookin’ at you, Democrats.”

Dubya: “On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance. I urge you to pass association health plans.”

What-I-Heard: “Union! Union! Norma Rae!”

Dubya: “I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance.

“By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, and improve care.”

What-I-Heard: “Plus, with the Patriot Act, it’s easier to keep an eye on you squirelly bastards. I will know what you had for breakfast today.”

Dubya: “To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits.”

What-I-Heard: “’Hm…left a scalpel in your frontal lobes? Well, does it hurt? Well, okay, but does it hurt a lot? I don’t think you should sue, the President wouldn’t like that.’”

Dubya: “And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes.”

What-I-Heard: “Plus get a free toaster oven.”

Dubya: “A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. By keeping costs under control, expanding access, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America’s health care the best in the world.”

What-I-Heard: “If you’re not dirt poor, that is.”

Dubya: “We are living in a time of great change — in our world, in our economy, in science and medicine. Yet some things endure — courage and compassion, reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race. The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families and schools and religious congregations. These institutions, these unseen pillars of civilization, must remain strong in America, and we will defend them. We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible children. When it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do.”

What-I-Heard: “So take your kids to church, not school. School can’t help you anyway, they got no books and no counselling programs ‘cause, hey…no money. And when I say ‘family’ I’m talking about the good old fasioned nucular family…a mommy, a daddy, the children and drunk Uncle Tommy who always yelled at your mom every Christmas and usually ended up sobbing uncontrollably by the end of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and asking God over and over again why he can’t get clean.”

Dubya: “One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. Our government is helping parents confront this problem with aggressive education, treatment, and law enforcement.”

What-I-Heard: “Like those spooky PSAs…you know, like the one where the kids are getting stoned and one of them accidentally shoots the other one. And by ‘law enforcement’ I mean ‘shooting down planes full of nuns on their way back from Colombia.’”

Dubya: “Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001.”

What-I-Heard: “Because they can’t afford the drugs. You know what a dime-bag costs these days? Man…”

Dubya: “In my budget, I proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort.”

What-I-Heard: “Nothing stops future drug use like asking a six year old to pee in a cup.”

Dubya: “So tonight I proposed an additional $23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children’s lives. The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we don’t want to lose you.”

What-I-Heard: “After all, you’re a future taxpayer.”

Dubya: “To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example.”

What-I-Heard: “Like former baseball team owners.”

Dubya: “The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message — that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now.”

What-I-Heard: “Because you’re throwing the bookmakers in Vegas into a tizzy.”

Dubya: “To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face — even when they’re difficult to talk about. Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually-transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases.”

What-I-Heard: “Somebody mentioned ‘condoms’ but the thought makes me queasy. I mean, I have daughters, ya know.”

Dubya: “Decisions children now make can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. All of us — parents and schools and government — must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children.”

What-I-Heard: “I hereby outlaw Fox Television!”

Dubya: “A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states.”

What-I-Heard: “Fags and dykes make me queasy. Well, not the dykes…who doesn’t like a little girl-on-girl action, right? Am I right? But they shouldn’t be allowed to marry because, uh…because…well, look, Clinton signed the damn thing! And he was a Democrat! Not my fault, it was Slick Willie and, uh, and I’m just, uh, I’m just continuing what he put in motion. Except for the getting a blowjob in the Oral…OVAL Office. Becaue Laura’s a prude. What was I saying?”

Dubya: “Activist judges…”

What-I-Heard: “Pinko Commies infiltrating our judicial system…”

Dubya: “…however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people…”

What-I-Heard: “…the straight people…”

Dubya: “…and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people’s voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people…

What-I-Heard: “As opposed to, say, the President of the United States forcing HIS arbitrary will upon the people…”

Dubya: “…the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.”

What-I-Heard: “Let’s throw in an amendment that actually restricts life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Just to see what happens. I’m afraid of any penis that isn’t mine.”

Dubya: “The outcome of this debate is important — and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God’s sight.”

What-I-Heard: “Even fags and hot girl-on-girl dykes.”

Dubya: “It’s also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America’s religious institutions. Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country — mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely. Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a crescent on the wall. By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again.”

What-I-Heard: “See how I did that? Turned ‘separation of church and state’ into ‘discrimination against religious organizations’? Am I good or what? Constitution Schmonstitution.”

Dubya: “In the past, we’ve worked together to bring mentors to children of prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society. We know from long experience that if they can’t find work, or a home, or help, they are much more likely to commit crime and return to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300 million prisoner re-entry initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups.”

What-I-Heard: “Back in Texas I used to just fry the bastards before they got out, but Dick said I can’t do that anymore. So I’m giving money to religion and hoping for the best.”

Dubya: “America is the land of second chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life.”

What-I-Heard: “It used to lead to ‘Ol’ Sparky’. Good times, good times…”

Dubya: “For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for, and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are. In grief, we have found the grace to go on. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have shown the noble aims and good heart of America. And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart. “

What-I-Heard: “’…It was an age of Darkness…’”

Dubya: “I’ve been witness to the character of the people of America, who have shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, ‘Dear George W. Bush. If there’s anything you know, I, Ashley Pearson, age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country.’ She added this P.S.: ‘If you can send a letter to the troops, please put, “Ashley Pearson believes in you.”’”

What-I-Heard: “Sucker punch to the heartstrings! BOOYAH!”

Dubya: “Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And, yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school, listen to your mom or dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, ‘thank you’.”

What-I-Heard: “And once I get the draft reinstated that will turn into ‘Thank you, sir, may I have another?’”

Dubya: “And, Ashley, while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free.”

What-I-Heard: “We still encourage you to buy tarps, bottled water and duct tape, however.”

Dubya: “My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable — and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years. And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true.

May God continue to bless America. “

What-I-Heard: “The religious right is lovin’ me tonight! Especially with that ‘guides the unfolding of the years’ line, that was classic! Thank you Washington D.C.! Good night!”

You know what I noticed? Towards the middle of this piece I got tired. Like, physically exhausted. And that’s how he gets ya. You’re so tired and disheartened and confused that this chickenhead attained the highest office in the land, you don’t have the energy to say “No! You’re a crazy man! NO!”

Don’t let it get you, kids. Drink some coffee, take some Vivarin, do something to stay awake! Because if we hit the snooze button too many times, this retarded monkey’s gonna railroad this country into its darkest times since the Depression.

He’s a liar. He’s a President who wasn’t voted in. He’s probably the poorest foreign policy maker…ever. I mean, who just tells the U.N. to go piss up a rope? Who decides to send hundreds of thousands of troops into a country unaided and with no real plan to get them back out? What the hell did he hope to accomplish?

He’s trying to erode the Constitution. An amendment to narrowly define marriage? What the hell is that besides spurious and depriving a section of the population rights? The Patriot Act is a license to violate your privacy on the slimmest of suppositions.

I know I sound strident and, possibly, hysterical but I feel that this is possibly the most important election any of us will ever face. We need to get this guy out of the Oval Office, we need to give America back to Americans and guarantee that it is still the America we know and love.

It’s not a perfect America, I grant you, but it’s better than this.

Don’t fall asleep. Keep your eyes open. Keep alert. Vote Democratic in ’04.

Text that is not the State of The Union copyright 2004 Joseph Conat

Text from the State of The Union was used for no profit.

“You’ll All Pay” is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to shut up at conat@martyandgroovechicken.com. He won’t listen, but what the hell, right?