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You’ll All Pay #5

© Joe Conat 2002

Okay, so I got an account on LiveJournal. I have friends on there, so…you know, any chance to mouth off, so to speak.

And I have found that other peoples’ mouthing off is really annoying.

There’s one guy…a guy who in real life seems like an affable jerk, but so am I so who am I to say anything right?…and he writes the most annoying pseudo-”poetic” look-at-me-I’m-so-deep-and-cool pretentious self-involved crap that I have ever read. High school goths would go “Dude, get over yourself.” Yeah, that bad.

Which is fine. LiveJournal is a forum precisely for that sort of spew. I have, in the interests of community good feeling, refrained from spitting my bile on every single entry he’s made. ‘Cause, you know…that’s his version of “mouthing off”.

But then…

See, MouthMaster is also on LiveJournal. MouthMaster is a good writer; generally his entries are entertaining, well-thought-out and fun to read. Sometimes informative, too. But, like everyone in the world, he occasionally succumbs to the urge to navel-gaze and then release his conclusions discovered through such introspection out into the ‘net. Not a choice I would make anymore, but hey…the perils of posting while drunk.

So, blah blah blah. Huge introspective “why am I me?” piece. Waaaay long. I told MouthMaster straight out “Too long, didn’t read it.”

On LiveJournal you can reply to and comment on other peoples’ entries. This guy I mentioned…let’s call him the Singularity Anus, ‘cause he’s an asshole and sucks…posts an entire IM conversation that he and MouthMaster had about MouthMaster’s “my pain” piece. The upshot of which seemed to be “You’re trying too hard to be angsty.”

What?

This from a guy who e-mailed a suicide note to a huge list of friends? Apparently because he was feeling “blue” and was hoping that everyone would call and reply and make sure he’s okay? (As far as I know I’m the only one who bothered, and I don’t much like the guy.) This from a guy who’s every entry is a variation on the theme “Nobody understands me. Nobody feels my pain.”?

Well, fuck that, I decided.

I pulled a particularly angsty piece of crap from one of his recent entries, posted it as a reply to his reply and made a snide comment.

Well, okay. It wasn’t the most mature move in human history, I grant you. Still…

This precipitated a chorus of “you didn’t understand my post” culminating in, no shit, “My point was that, though it was angst, I didn’t like the style.” I’m paraphrasing, but that’s essentially it. And I’m all like “Excuse me?”

You didn’t like the style?

Let’s not bother about the content. Let’s not think that if MouthMaster felt it was worth the time to post his self-musings that maybe he wanted to talk about himself. That maybe he was feeling a little lost and alone and was reaching out. Nonononono. Let’s talk about the style.

In a way, it’s a compliment. “Sorry MouthMaster, you can’t write self-involved pretentious crap with any real angst.” “Hey, Singularity Anus, thanks.”

It finally ended with Singularity Anus calling me “elitest” [sic]. Well, yeah. If you count those who think self-indulgent pretension is crap and should be kept locked away in your private little girly journals with the ridiculous tiny lock and the kitty on the cover as elitists, yeah…sign me up. Fuckin’ A, Bubba!

This epic tale is really just getting me around to my point. I think the First Amendment to the Constitution is a grand and wonderful thing. Because of it I can freely post this here column on the Internet without fear of reprisal from the government. Not that the government gives a rat’s ass about Singularity Anus and his whining on LiveJournal. But man, I wish people would exercise a little discretion before they exercise their right to free speech.

I would like to go back in time. I would like to go find Thomas Jefferson and all the other authors of the Constitution and suggest a little amendment to the amendment. Something on the order of:

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. In regard to the freedom of speech; we, your forefathers and founders of a country we are assured will be “just swell” urge you to take a minute and think whether your fellow citizens really want to hear “no one gets my pain” for the umpteenth time. Seriously. Get a grip, descendants. No one cares. Love, Tom and the boys.

Just, you know, a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’…

And don’t come back to me with that “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” crap, either. The “consumer vote” idea only works if it’ll actually have a chance at changing anything. If I don’t read, you don’t know that I think what you’re writing is electronic and verbal feces on a stick. I have to tell you.

Singularity Anus, at one point during this exchange, went so far as to say “this is why I didn’t want to post my comments”. Like I’m supposed to feel guilty. “Oh, I’m sorry Singularity Anus…now I feel horrible that you find my response to your comments disagreeable. I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings…” Cry me a friggin’ river, SA, really. “You made me feel bad and question whether I should post in the future.” Good! That’s what I was aiming for, you hypocritical colon stain! Yea me!

You posted on a public forum, buppy, and so a public viewing it shall get. And the public (in this case me) has the right and opportunity and the cojones to publicly step up to the soapbox and call you a worthless waste of skin if I so desire. At the very least, I’ll exercise my right to free speech back in your face and call your comments not worth the bandwidth it took to put ‘em up.

Why? Because, in your fervent desire to “express your inner you” you didn’t stop and think about what you were saying. You came across as an ass, SA, and therefore I feel it my place to tell you so.

And, yes, I came across as something of an ass, too. Tit for tat, I guess.

A plea to all you ‘net posters out there. Think a second. Does anyone care about your inner pain? No, not really. Does putting your inner pain on the ‘net invite rude and sarcastic comments from people like me? Yes, it so does. So…do you have the right to bitch that I sneered at your lameness? Bzzt. No. You do not.

You don’t want my comments? Don’t post. I take a risk every time I post anything anywhere on the ‘net that somebody I don’t like and don’t agree with will comment on it in a derogatory and hurtful way. I know this risk. I have learned about this risk the hard way, through years on BBS’s and other Internet forums. Because of this I have learned:

1.) Do Not Post Drunk. You are not, upon later review, as eloquent or even lucid as you thought you were. You will cover your eyes and bang your head on the desk and go “What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Thinking?”

2.) When you do post something really stupid, be prepared for somebody to jump on it and repeatedly tell you it’s stupid. Happens every time. Suck it up and stop yer whinin’.

3.) If it hurts to have people laugh at your inner pain, do what everybody else does and bottle it up. Release after a thirteen-hour binge drinking fest, cryin’ on the floor of the bathroom and apologizing for puking in the potted fern. Like everybody else. Sure, the embarrassment is the same, but you won’t have the evidence of your idiocy staring you in the face every time you log on.

In short…shut the fuck up. And if you’re not inclined to shut the fuck up, get ready to take it on the chin. ‘Cause nobody thinks you’re as cool as you think you are.

Your “self-expression” is, to me, nothing but mealy-mouthed puling from a frustrated philosopher/poet who doesn’t actually have the brains or talent for philosophy or poetry.

Your “pain” is the same pain as every adolescent (so there goes your “I grew out of MouthMaster’s style of angst when I was sixteen” argument, SA) goes through and most of them eventually realize that, dude, everybody feels your pain. They just call it their own pain and deal with it and get on with their lives. It’s called growing up, and it’s high time you did it.

But, please, go ahead and be free with your speech. It’s your right to do so. I encourage that.

Long Live America. She feels your pain.

Bitch.

“You’ll All Pay” is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to shut up at conat@martyandgroovechicken.com. He won’t listen, but what the hell, right?