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You’ll All Pay #33

© 2004 Joe Conat

I know I rail, weekly, against this country’s bassackwardness. And I know that, often, what I say isn’t really “news” to anyone.

Well, this one isn’t “news” either.

This is about a drawn out ongoing problem. And that is…more than half of our country.

No, not the red states.

The women.

Suddenly, I sense your ears perking up. Is this man a misogynist? A he-man wimmin-hater? A complete jerkwad?

No, no and it depends on who you ask.

No, this column is about inequality and how more than half the population of our country is getting, you’ll pardon the expression and resulting pun, the shaft.

I remember back in the day hearing a lot about ERA, the Equal Rights Amendment. This proposed Constitutional Amendment, authored by Alice Paul in 1923, would state that :

Section 1. Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex.
Section 2. The Congress shall have the power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.
Section 3. This amendment shall take effect two years after the date of ratification

That’s it. Simple, direct. And yet…still not law.

I’ve heard it argued, by women, that ERA is an embarrassment. “It’s not right,” they say, “that I need a law written into the Constitution saying that I’m equal!”

Well, yeah. You’re right. It’s not right that, evidently, a law written into the very fabric of our country is necessary to ensure that you are treated and paid equally for your work.

However…

According to this report by the U.S. Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Statistics, on average women earned 80% of what men earned in 2003. For every dollar a man earned, a woman earned 80 cents. For the same work.

Women 45-54 years of age working full time earned 73 cents to a man’s dollar. Women 35-44 years old fared better…on average they earned 76 cents to a man’s dollar.

And this shows an upward trend. In 1979 35-44 year old women earned 58 cents to the dollar while 45-54 year olds earned 57 cents.

If a woman had not completed high school she earned, on average, a hundred dollars less a week than a similarly educated man in the same field. College graduates earned $200 dollars less a week than men with similar qualifications.

This is just last year, folks.

So, as much as we rail and scream against a Constitutional Amendment designed to disenfranchise homosexuals, we should holler and shout for a Constitutional Amendment designed to guarantee that women are no longer disenfranchised. It’s sad that we need a law to do this, but evidently we do.

Yes, it’s stupid. This country just put Bush back in the driver’s seat…what do you expect?

“But,” you may well ask, “what about the 14th Amendment? The 1963 Equal Pay Act? Titles VII and IX of the 1964 Civil Rights Act?”

Well, what about them? The 14th amendment contains the first use of the qualifier “male” in the Constitution, explicitly excluding women. It has been argued both ways…that the equal protection clause put forth in the 14th amendment does and does not guarantee equal gender rights. Obviously the 1963 Equal Pay and 1964 Civil Rights Acts are not being strenuously enforced…see the above 2003 census information. Furthermore, the 1964 Civil Rights Act, while including women under its penumbra of protection, is worded so that it takes a broad and liberal interpretation of the Act to guarantee equal pay…since the Act only explicitly guarantees equal opportunities for employment. In other words, a company must give you a job even though you’re a woman (assuming you are otherwise qualified for the job) but does not necessarily have to pay you the same as they would a man in that position. Finally both these laws can be diluted, eroded or reversed by a simple Congressional majority. Since the country is apparently headed for a “cultural recession” and appears to be embracing Spanish Inquisition Dark Age philosophy, don’t you think it paramount that we enshrine, and quickly, protection of equal gender rights under the highest law in the land?

What are the downsides to ERA? Well that depends on your point of view, doesn’t it?

Women would be required to register for the Selective Service System…the draft…and serve in combat alongside the men-folk.

So? Not to be harsh but…women are being protected by our troops’ continued sacrifice too. Women are not exempt from the freedoms that soldiers fight to ensure. Women should be given the opportunity, in my opinion, to go and fight for those rights just like anyone else, if they so desire.

Besides, studies have shown that in general women enjoy higher tolerances to pain, high g-forces (as you might experience in fighter jet combat) and faster reflexes. Sounds like good soldier material to me.

The ERA could also be interpreted to guarantee same-sex marriage rights.

I know this is a hot-button issue but, personally, I don’t see what the big deal is. I have no problem with same-sex marriage…I don’t see how more people deciding to celebrate their love and devotion to each other somehow “ruins” the institution of marriage. Let’s face it…the institution of marriage isn’t in such great shape anyway. Roughly half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. The general population largely disregards the “sanctity of holy matrimony” and the aforementioned “sanctity” isn’t apparently doing anything to prevent rising infidelity among married couples. In terms of pure numbers I would think the institution of marriage could use a boost, quite frankly.

Single sex schools or sports teams would be forced to integrate. Again…so? To allow my chauvinist side a bit of free rein, I think women playing football would be hot! Much more entertaining to watch than regular old football.

ERA might remove laws specially enacted for the protection of women in areas such as heavy industry. You know what? Them’s the breaks, kid. I figure equality is equality. I don’t see any reason why anybody else shouldn’t take the same risks I’m willing to take just because of their gender. Not that I take a whole lot of risks…I’m essentially very lazy. But the principle is there.

As in all things there’s a balance, a consequence to the payoff. Equal rights means equal rights. Just as women would get better pay and be ensured, by law, that their promotion opportunities are as limitless as mens’…good-bye glass ceiling…they would be faced with the same cons as men do. Women would be forced to rely on their own merits just as much as men.

Frankly, I take a look at the women in my life and believe them to be up to the task.

As I’ve previously written, I’m about to have a daughter (any day now! Gah!). I realize that what I’m asking is for the world to regard her as one of their own…no better or worse, intrinsically, than they themselves are.

The “doting protective father” part of me is saying “Hold on! I want my daughter safe and cherished when she leaves the safe harbor of our home”. But I also want my daughter to have something just as important as safety and cherishment. And that is: self-reliance and the confidence that that reliance shall reap its consummate rewards.

This is the United States of America. The Land of the Free. The Home of the Brave. We really need to stop messing around and get with our own program. Equality is stitched into the very fabric of our country; it’s a founding principle.

The future is going to be harsh enough without relegating more than half our numbers to second-class citizenship. First-class citizens make a first-class country.

‘sides…women playing football! HOT!

(Special shout-out to Kari Plesco’s class back in Michigan! Keep my home state honest, kids!)

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat, who would make more money than somebody named Josephine Conat if he got paid for writing this column. Which he doesn’t. Dammit.

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You’ll All Pay #32

© 2004 Joe Conat

There has, of course, been much “introspection” and “finger-pointing” and, let’s face it, “WTF?”-ing by the Democratic Party in the past week following the complete and abject failure to win back the White House in what should have been a cake-walk. Much has been made of the fact that 22% or so of the people voting for Bush answered exit poll queries with “moral values” being the primary reason they punched their ballot the way they did.

The Democratic answer has been, naturally, to try and win back those voters. “We’re moral, too” they say, and they’re right. I don’t think anyone reasonable seriously believes that Democrats are Satanist, cannibal, baby-killing hedonists. Well, not most of us.

And how do we try and win back those voters?

I proposed…and still, tentatively, hold to this theory…that we “speak to them in their language”.
There’s a problem with that. I’ll get to that in a minute.

What do I mean by “talk to them in their language”? If, though the numbers are inconclusive, “moral values” was indeed a prevalent driving force behind many Bush votes, beating out Iraq, terrorism and domestic agendas in 22% of the voters, then we have to reinforce our own message in moral terms that that 22% will understand. If it’s a matter of Christian mores then why don’t we quote the Bible? Nothing wrong with that. Good book of moral lessons there. Well, the New Testament anyway.

But, naturally, there’s a problem. And that problem is…I can’t talk to those people.

In Cobb County, Georgia there is a problem brewing that is reminiscent of the “Scopes Monkey Trial” of 1925. In 2002 the Cobb County School Board ordered $8 million worth of science textbooks. These books teach, as most science textbooks in the rest of the world do, evolution.

2,300 parents petitioned the school board, protesting the teaching of evolution and evolution only. They wanted creationism, the belief that God created the Earth whole-cloth in a mere six days, taught alongside Darwin’s theory.

As a compromise the Cobb County School Board had a sticker affixed to the front of all the textbooks stating: “This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered.”

Okay, so…argh.

Immediately my response is “…the hell?” but I thought about it for a second. It’s a neat compromise. It addresses the problem of those 2,300 parents while not endorsing creationism. It’s a nice Snoopy Band-Aid, pretty to look at and doing precisely nothing in regard to the actual education these students receive.

(Well, sort of. Some teachers have complained that students use that sticker as an excuse to disrupt class. “This says it’s just a theory,” they evidently say and waste class time. Ah, children…what miracles.)

But now other parents, alongside the ACLU, have gotten involved to challenge the sticker issue.

And, you know what? GOOD!

This is the problem the Democratic Party…or, at least, those segments of the Democratic Party consisting of, well, me…faces. How do you talk to people like this?

In 1987 the Supreme Court ruled that creationism, being a religious belief, could not be taught in public schools alongside evolution. You know why? It’s a religious belief. Let us, again, re-visit the First Amendment of the Constitution, shall we?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. (emphasis mine)

This is the passage that is colloquially referred to as “separation of Church and State”. Now, it has been argued that stated thus it only means that there shall be no Federal LAW that says, for instance, “Judaism is the official Religion of the United States of America”, but does not mean that religious speech, iconography or beliefs cannot be used in government doings or edifices, or cannot be taught in public schools.

But the forefathers understood that the gravity of government endorsement endowed an issue with a heavy weight indeed, and that allowing, for instance, the Ten Commandments to be displayed in government buildings was an implicit endorsement of Christianity over other religions and could be in violation, in spirit if not in letter, of the First Amendment. It is with that understanding that the Supreme Court ruled that creationism could not be taught alongside evolution in public…and, thus, federally funded…schools. (*)

Besides…creationism has no facts supporting it! None! It’s a myth! It’s a fairy tale! It’s not reality!! Give it up already, you backwards thinking yokels!

See, this is why I should not be the Democratic ambassador to the Bible Belt.

In response to the 1987 decision supporting logic, reason and clarity over fuzzy-headed daydreams and illusions, the creationists changed the packaging of their voodoo mythology and now call it “intelligent design” and are asking it be taught alongside Darwinism.

My response: NO! It’s still creationism you deluded wackos!

Again, my job should not so much be bringing these people over to Our Side.

So Georgia is faced with the unenviable task of staging Scopes II: Evolutionary Boogaloo while the larger urban centers across the globe point and laugh and make Beverly Hillbilly jokes. Nice goin’, Georgia.

Seriously, in the 21st Century how can anyone subscribe to a literal interpretation of a book written when the Greeks were still trying to convince the rest of the world that, dude, the Earth is totally round. How can you take as fact a book that was written before Copernicus had a chance to look around the Heavens, do some math and say “Hey…we go around the sun, not vice versa”. I mean, can’t you accept and absorb new information and join the rest of us in reality?

How does the theory of evolution conflict with your belief in God? God, it is said, works in mysterious ways. So He grew us out of monkeys, so what? Why does that deny that humanity is still His chosen people? Are monkeys so vile that the thought of us succeeding them, rising from and above them is anathema to your very being?

This is why, when I first proposed the “talk to them in a way they’ll understand” plan, I got such a vociferous negative response from some people. I didn’t understand it then. I was going along with the idea that you can talk to anybody if only you can find common ground and how hard can it be to find common ground?

Well, not that hard, but the uncommon ground presents some very difficult obstacles.

If they can believe in creationism, then they can believe any lie. “I did not descend from monkeys.” “Pro-choice means they all want to kill babies all the time.” “The Earth is flat.” “There is a direct link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11.”

It has been shown, in a study [PDF] by the Program on International Policy Attitudes, that an alarming number of Bush supporters believed a number of things that just plain aren’t true in regard to the election issues. For instance, 36% of Bush supporters interviewed believed that the U.S. was participating in the Kyoto Treaty on Global Warming. 47% of interviewed Bush supporters believed that Iraq had WMDs immediately prior to the war, while only 2% believed Iraq had no activities related to WMDs. 63% of Bush supporters believed that the United States had found clear evidence that Saddam Hussein was working closely with al-Qaeda. Not that Saddam was working with al-Qaeda but we couldn’t prove it…they believed the U.S. had in its possession clear evidence of such a relationship.

How do you talk to people like that? How do you convince them that you are right without snapping and screaming at them how wrongwrongWRONG they are? It’s infuriating.

But that’s what the next Democratic presidential candidate will have to do. He or she will have to talk to the Bible Belt and get them to see the truth…or at least get them to vote Democratic. And good luck to that unfortunate bastard.

It’d be easier proving the world is flat.

(* It appears that I have fallen into the same trap as others in interpreting this clause. As this very interesting article by Edwin M. Yoder Jr. points out, the clause as it is worded is vast in scope…not only shall Congress pass no law “establishing a religion” but “respecting an establishment of religion”…i.e. no religious establisment. Congress shall pass no law giving preference or respect to any church or religious doctrine.

Separation, my friends, of church and state.)

You’ll All Pay wuz written bah Joe Conat. Y’all kin tell ‘im why God will strike him down with tha rest of tha unbelievers here.

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You’ll All Pay #31

© Joe Conat 2004

Well there’s good news and bad news.

Good news: I’ve got fodder for this here column for the next four friggin’ years.

Bad news: A crack-addled gibbon with a closed head injury and his cadre of Republic serial villains is still running the country.

Hey, America. Yeah, you. Over here.

Bite me.

You do realize what you’ve done, don’t you? You don’t? Let me explain it to you in simple terms that even you, with your average eighth-grade reading level, can understand.

1) You’ve endangered the country. Yes, that’s right. This country will now never get the international support necessary to successfully prosecute an Iraq occupation. We have opened up a country in the Middle East to thousands of terrorists. Thousands. We’ve squandered…I’m sorry, I forgot…we’ve wasted, that is to say thrown away as though they were trash thousands of American lives pursuing some insane and unknowable agenda in Iraq that we are told somehow, we’re not sure how, precisely, but somehow has something to do with the War on Terror. Oh, plus: we’ve guaranteed that al-Qaeda and few dozen or hundred other terrorist organizations will treble…that is to say make three times as large…their efforts to attack us. This means, in all practical terms, we should hunker down with our heads between our legs and wait for the next 9/11 because the choice of Bush as president has virtually guaranteed it will happen again. In the meantime our own homeland security is a shambles: the borders are more porous because funding has been reshuffled; INS is still backlogged, understaffed and underfunded meaning they can’t monitor immigrations, legal or illegal, into this country as effectively as they should; and your precious president, the one who made 9/11 a photo op and posed with NYPD and NYFD officers and called them heroes and promised them the world has slashed funding for first responders. Where’d all that “homeland security” money go? Well to establish a half-assed Department of Homeland Security, a bureaucratic kraken…er, “squid”…that is so cumbersome and awkward it actually hinders rather than facilitates communication between the various intelligence and law enforcement agencies whose task it is to catch terrorists and prevent their attacks.

What, you didn’t know that? Try reading a newspaper once in a while.

No, NASCAR Winston Cup Illustrated doesn’t count.

2) You’ve made yourselves poorer. Yes, you have. Look, are you in the top 2% of the income tax bracket? No? What a shock. Well all these government programs, good or bad, have to be paid for. If the rich aren’t paying and the poor can’t pay, who will?

Yes, I’m looking at you, Middle Class. Directly at you.

So your taxes will go up. And the price of oil? Will go up. And the price of imported goods like that Sony plasma TV you’ve had your eye on? They will go up as other countries around the world punish our apparent blindness and stupidity and arrogance with tariffs. You will be working harder to gain less and less. Congratulations.

3) You’ve championed deceit, prevarication, obfuscation and mediocrity.

Oh, right. Lies, lies, secrecy and mediocrity.

This president…I suppose I have to leave off the “”s now, since you actually cast votes for the yahoo this time…has blatantly lied to everyone, you included, more times than can be counted. Service in the Texas Air National Guard? Not so much. Legitimate win in 2000? No, not really. “Steward of the land” in regard to environmental issues? Huh. Turns out: No.

WMDs in Iraq? Whups, guess not.

So, again, congratulations. Next time you catch your child lying and you tell him or her to go cut off a switch and git ready fer a whuppin’, be prepared if your child looks you guilelessly in the eyes and says “But the President does it.” What’ll you say then?

4) You’ve made your children dumber.

“No Child Left Behind” is a travesty that will, in all likelihood, reduce the quality of national education rather than its stated aim of enhancing it. “Hold teachers accountable, raise the bar”. Yeah, right on…but with what? There’s no money to pay for this. And with the pathetically small salaries most teachers make, from which they often pay for their own school supplies, do you expect them to be able to easily afford the certification testing now required under “No Child Left Behind”? Oh, you didn’t know they had to pay for that themselves? Yeah…under NCLB, teachers must be re-certified to teach, but there’s no helping them get re-certified. How much can a test cost? A couple hundred bucks a pop my friend. And if they don’t pass, they don’t work. And is there any help to get them “back in shape” so they can resume teaching your children how not to walk into walls? No, there is not. Result: fewer teachers with less resources teaching more students with higher standards. And as they consistently fail to meet these arbitrary standards with nothing to work with, they will lose their jobs and there will be even fewer teachers.

Just hire more, you say. Well, there’s a problem with that. Namely, NCLB makes the prospect of being a teacher less desirable. So all those college students who were eyeing Education as a career path are more and more looking for career choices elsewhere. You know, somewhere where they can actually do their job.

Because, as it stands, NCLB is like requiring an athlete to break the world pole vault record, then smashing his knee with a hammer and giving him a mop handle with which to vault. It’s a recipe for failure.

5) You’ve threatened to destroy what America stands for.

Oh, you think I’m engaging in melodrama and hyperbole, but I’m not. This president has proposed a Constitutional Amendment that would disenfranchise homosexuals. Do you understand what that means? It will be written into the Constitution of the United States of America that certain people do not have the same rights as other people.

Does that sound American to you? If it does, you never understood America.

USA PATRIOT Act has been shown to violate three of the first ten Amendments to the Constitution. Does anyone know what the first ten Amendments are also called? No? What a shock.

The first ten Amendments to the Constitution are called the “Bill of Rights”. These are the laws of our land that guarantee we are free.

But not anymore! Now we have USA PATRIOT, a set of laws that would make Joe McCarthy giggle like a little schoolgirl with glee. Joe McCarthy. He hunted Communists in the fifties. “Witch hunt”? No?

Which amendments? First and Fifth, for starters. Let’s review, shall we?

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

The ban on “expert advice or assistance” to groups that may be terrorist-related is inexcusably vague. The way it is expressed it could be construed that inarguably pure speech and advocacy, protected by the First Amendment, violates the provision. In other words, if you say you “kinda like” a group that the government has labeled a “terrorist organizations”, you are in violation of USA PATRIOT and can be arrested. Or if you advise a group labeled as terrorist by the government to resolve their issues by peaceful means…you talked, you advised, you’re under arrest.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Due process. It’s right there. You cannot be held without indictment, you can’t be tried twice for the same crime, you don’t have to testify against yourself and they can’t take your stuff without compensating you. Except under USA PATRIOT.

Which also leads nicely into the third Amendment USA PATRIOT violates:

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Under USA PATRIOT the FBI can obtain a secret warrant for any object or document that might relate to terrorist related activities including bookstore and library records etc. etc. They can also sneak into your home and search your stuff without telling you. They can search without a warrant that details the person or things to be seized…it can, in effect, say “suspicious stuff. You know. Things that might be bad. Like…well, stuff.”

So, to recap: All men, suddenly, are not created equal, are not guaranteed the previously inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Your speech is not guaranteed to be free, your home and person are not safe from an oppressive police force.

Golly, seems to me there used to be a nation that sounded a lot like this…state monitoring, oppressive governmental law enforcement, crappy economy that benefited only the top elite…what was the name of that country?

Oh! Yeah! The United Soviet Socialist Republics!

If you think that I am calling you a traitor, you would be correct. If you think I’m insinuating that you are guilty of treachery, you would be wrong; I’m out and out saying you are guilty of treachery.

Treachery. Right, sorry…big word.

Main Entry: treach·ery
Pronunciation: -rEFunction: nounInflected
Form(s): plural -er·ies
Etymology: Middle English trecherie, from Old French, from trechier, trichier to deceive, from (assumed) Vulgar Latin triccare — more at TRICK
1 : violation of allegiance or of faith and confidence : TREASON
2 : an act of perfidy or treason

“Violation of allegiance or of faith and confidence”. Yeah. That’s about right.

I had faith and confidence that this was the Land of the Free, where individual and civil rights were paramount. That is no longer the case. Now fear and suspicion rule the day.

Fear and suspicion. That’s what won George W. Bush the White House. Not competence, not grace, not wit or intelligence or being good at the job. Fear. Suspicion.

Well, fine, cowards. You got what you want. You got the man who told you the bogeyman was under the bed and only he, George W. Bush, had the flashlight. You pulled the covers over your head and you punched your ballot. Good for you.

You’ve given the monkey a gun. Don’t come cryin’ to me when he shoots you. And he will. Monkeys are stupid and capricious.

Capricious: Fickle. Unpredictable.

Am I bitter? Yeah. Enraged? Man, you don’t even know.

Disgusted? In every single fiber of my being.

Four more years.

Damn it all to Hell.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can e-mail him here.

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You’ll All Pay #30

© Joe Conat 2004

I really don’t know what to do.

It’s…crap, only four days to Election Day, and I have this feeling…it’s probably not true, but there it is…this feeling that my small list of readers are out there staring into their e-mail inboxes and projecting “Well? Hey, slacker! Hey Mr. Political Commentary Dude! Where’s the YAP?” And I’ve got…nothing.

I’m paralyzed.

What should I say that I haven’t said before? What new facts have come to light that will further enhance my position? None, really.

Don’t vote for Bush. Vote for Kerry. A vote for Kerry is an act of self-preservation that should be instinctual it’s so obvious. It should be reflexive, like jerking your hand out of a fire. Voting for Kerry is like the fight-or-flight adrenal response. And I must admit, as closed-minded as it may make me, that I truly do not understand on a very fundamental level anyone who wants to vote for Bush, anyone who thinks that voting for Bush is a good thing. A small, probably mean-spirited part of me asks “Shouldn’t Darwinism have taken those guys out of the gene pool somewhere around when they were called Australopithecus afarensis?”

I don’t want anyone to explain it to me. I really don’t. We’ll find out in a week who the President is and we can go from there.

Oh, wait. I forgot…the Bush-Cheney campaign is involved.

We’ll find out in a couple months who the Bush-Cheney campaign sent hookers to on the Supreme Court to hopefully steal the White House for another interminable four-year regime of backsliding and horror.

Do I sound bitter? Excuse me.

I wonder, though…given that Justice Rehnquist has had a recent brush with thyroid cancer, do you think Bush is re-thinking his position on stem-cell research? “If we don’t cure Rehnny quick, I may not get the Presidency!”

Anyway.

Personally, I am bone tired of this. Had I a magic lamp and three wishes I would ask for 1) A bazillion untaxable dollars, probably hidden in an off-shore account somewhere and accessible only by me. 2) All the powers of Captain Marvel (the DC hero, the “Shazam” guy, not the alien warrior in the Marvel Universe. How lame would that be? Nega-Bands? Whatev.) and 3) That George W. Bush had taken a clear-eyed deep and introspective look at himself, realized he’s got the brains and leadership abilities of a brine shrimp and wisely decided in a rare moment of clarity NOT to go into politics.

Ah, Genie of the Lamp, where are you and your Robin Williams-voiced witticisms now in this, our darkest hour?

I don’t have a magic lamp, or even a Magic 8-Ball. What I do have is a web page, a list of people who seem to enjoy reading my ramblings and a vote.

You, also, have a vote. Unless you live in Florida. Or Nevada. Or Oregon or Wisconsin. If you live in any of these states you might want to make a phone call to the registrar’s office or something, make sure they haven’t taken you off the voter rolls because they think you’re a felony kitten-eater or dead or even a Democrat.

Assuming none of the above, then vote. No, not for Nader. Nader’s mom wouldn’t vote for Nader. Nader’s mom would tell him to come back inside; the streetlights are on and what does he think he’s doing anyway he knows he’s not supposed to bother the other children.

If I haven’t made it abundantly clear in the past gajillion rants, I support Kerry. Why?

1) Iraq. I figure we might want to trust the guy who actually showed up for military service and experienced a couple little things we like to call “combat” and “leadership” when it comes to prosecuting, finishing and extracting ourselves from a war. Plus, he seems to actually, you know, have a plan to get out of Iraq as opposed to Bush’s mugging and shrugging and mumbling “hard work” and “as long as it takes”.

2) Money. Both Kerry and Bush have it; only Kerry seems to understand it. Bush hasn’t successfully managed a business enterprise in…ever. He took a trillion dollar surplus and turned it into a trillion dollar deficit. He blithely orders us into a misadventure that will cost us an additional $200 billion over the next few years.

He says this will, somehow, help us. He says his plan will bolster a constantly flagging economy. He says we’ll start making money again. Will we, the average citizen, see any of that? No. We won’t see it in health care, we won’t see it in the education initiatives he forces down our throats but can’t pay for, we won’t see it in increased business or tax relief for the lower 98%. Bush and his friends benefit. That’s all. Under Bush the American people are subsidizing the biggest kegger EVER, dude! Booyah!

3) Did I say Iraq? I did? Okay.

4) National Security. I love this one…Bush yells over and over that the money being dumped into Homeland Security has tripled! Yea! But here’s the thing: It’s not the amount of money you spent, Georgy Porgy, it’s how you spent it. We’ve dumped, what…$30 billion into Homeland Security? Without a net gain in actual, you know…security? Evidently George splurged $30 billion on donuts for the boys in blue. “How’s them airports lookin’? Good? Yeah? Have a cruller.”

5) The environment. “Global warming has not been proven to be true.” Uh…yeah, it totally has. No, seriously. It has. It’s, like, true. There are really important looking papers with color pictures and graphs and big numbers and words and everything. It’s all true. You’re an idiot. Shut up, George.

6) He cannot pronounce the word “nuclear” no matter how many times he tries.

All compelling cases, I think. That, and he’s stupid.

What? I’ve been polite and respectful for…well, some of my columns I have. But I’ve got less than a week to go! What are you gonna do?

George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush was not actually elected president. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid. George W. Bush is stupid.

Tell all your friends…yes, even you Republicans reading this. Okay, the one Republican reading this (hey, dude! Shout out! Woot!) Vote for Kerry. Do not vote for Bush. Do not reward the monkey for bad behavior…if you do, the monkey will never stop flinging poo at the country.

A vote for Kerry is a vote for America. A vote for Kerry is a vote for no-poo-throwing.

A vote for Kerry is the blindingly obvious right thing to do.

Journalistic even-handedness my heinie! Bias? You betcha! BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS BIAS! VOTE FOR KERRY! VOTE FOR KERRY! VOTE FOR KERRY!

I’m Joe Conat and I approved this message.

You’ll All Pay is scrawled on poo-free cave walls with ochre and other natural pigments and often depict a thunder-god boozing it up with Joe who just hunted and killed a truly impressive amount of buffalo. You can tell him you think his archaeological find of the century is a bogus hoax here.

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You’ll All Pay # 29

© 2004 Joe Conat

Remember Bizarro? The anti-Superman? Everything was backwards for him…”hello” meant “goodbye” and “good” was “evil”, etc.

No? How about that episode of Star Trek? No, the original series. “Mirror, Mirror”? Had the crew of the Enterprise accidentally beam into an opposite universe where good was evil and whatnot? No?

Spock had a goatee.

Yeah? Yeah! Okay, now we’re on the same page.

President Bush is a Bizarro Bush from the Mirror Universe.

I have proof, dammit! Just stick with me a second!

In response to a question about the USA PATRIOT Act and why citizens’ individual rights are being watered down, the president responded “I really don’t think your rights are being watered down.” Never mind that two federal judge have ruled that parts of USA PATRIOT were unconstitutional and violated the First, Fourth and Fifth Amendments.

In Bizarro Bush World, “are” means “aren’t”.

The New York Times recently ran a very long, very detailed story tracing the history and debate over Iraq’s fictional nuclear program; how Iraq’s purchase of several thousand 7075-T6 aluminum tubes was misinterpreted or purposely twisted to show the revival of a nuclear weapons program that, in fact, didn’t exist.

In Bizarro Bush World, “does not” means “does”. Bizarro!

The much spoken of Duelfer report on Iraq’s weapons programs capabilities clearly states that Saddam Hussein didn’t have any chemical, biological or nuclear WMD program, didn’t have the means to start such a program and that, if he had managed to re-start those programs, his target of choice would have been Iran, not the U.S. or U.S. interests.

And yet, in the October 8th presidential debate against John Kerry, Bush stated that the Duelfer report showed that “Sanctions were not working”.

In Bizarro Bush World, “were” means “weren’t”. Bizarro!

Best of all, Bush says that “shock and awe” worked and the continuing violent insurgency in Iraq is the result of a war that was too successful.

In Bizarro Bush World, “failure” means “Mission Accomplished”.

Bizarro!

I truly am beginning to think that President Bush isn’t delusional or “out of touch with reality” or “psychotic”…he truly DOES understand the situation here on Earth One. He just can’t express it in a way that’s straightforward.

“Me like Kerry” he might say. Naturally, he mean “I despise Kerry and his big brain all snooty and usin’ big words like ‘unconstitutional’ and ‘failure’ and ‘incompetent’.”

“Me am smart.” “I know I’m a retarded chipmunk, I know this.”

“I inherited a recession.”
“The economy had slowed a bit, but the National Bureau of Economic Research actually pegs the start date of our recession as maybe being in March 2000, a few weeks after I took office, and it might not have even turned into a recession if 9/11 hadn’t happened.”

“[We’ve added] 1.9 million new jobs over the past 13 months…We’re on the move.”

“We added a mere 96,000 jobs in September, 42,000 less jobs than projected and 54,000 less jobs than are necessary to keep pace with population growth. We’re on the move..backwards!”

“I’m a good steward of the land.” “I’ve given forest land to oil companies to chop down and call it ‘forest fire prevention’. Also, air quality is reduced from when I took office. I hate the land and gleefully stomp on small forest creatures while Shell Oil executives stuff $20 bill in my G-string.”

BIZARRO!

Thankfully for Bush, people who profit from his grotesque mismanagement of the finest nation in the world are backing him up all the way. “We’re behind Bizarro Bush %100” they tell each other, whispering back and forth from the stalls in the Executive Wash Room. “He makes us scads of cash. And he’s cute as the dickens!”

To further their cute-as-the-dickens Bizarro World candidate’s aims of world decimation, the Sinclair Broadcast Group has given all of its sixty-two local television stations the edict that they shall, sometime between this day and the Second of November in the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Four, pre-empt all prime-time programming for one hour and run, without commercial interruption, the movie “Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal”, a film about John Kerry’s 1971 testimony to Congress against the Vietnam war and how it adversely affected morale among soldiers and POWs in Vietnam.

Oddly, fourteen of the Sinclair Group’s sixty-two stations are in swing states such as Ohio, Florida, Iowa and Wisconsin. I can’t figure that part out.

(Bizarro!)

But, you may ask, what about Section 315 of the Federal Communications Act…the Equal Time provision?

Don’t you see the Lex Luthorian insidiousness of this airing? Sinclair runs “Stolen Honor”…it’s an hour long or so and it bashes Kerry. The opposition cries “Foul” and pulls out ol’ Section 315. Sinclair shrugs, mea culpas all over the place and fulfills its obligation: It runs an hour of pro-Bush stuff. The law talks about equal amount of time, not equal quality or content of programming.

I think we have to find a way to force Sinclair to show an hour of anti-Bush stuff. We can make our own documentary: “Stolen Country: The Presidency That Was Never Real”. Or maybe something simpler, something with a bit more punch: “Bush Sucks, Don’t Vote For Him.”

The Bush-Cheney campaign and their supporters lack subtlety, don’t they? Gone are the days of gentlemanly bouts and all Machiavellian maneuverings hidden backstage. Now the GOP figures “Ah, to hell with it. Nobody cares! We’ll be open about violating the law, undermining decency and fairness and abrogating any responsibility we have to the truth. Hee hee hee!” Republicans think the average American is dumber than a retarded brick. “We’re lying to you! But we brought butterscotch pudding!” “Yea! Pudding!”

“In these changing times of ours, however, there are some things that won’t change: the individual values we try to live by — courage and compassion, reverence and integrity.”
–President George W. Bush, Taylor, Michigan 8/31/04

Bizarro!

You’ll All Pay not written by Joe Conat. You can’t tell him he good writer here.

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You’ll All Pay #28

© 2004 Joe Conat

I just read this very interesting article on Salon by Rebecca Traister on Eve Ensler and her way-out-there efforts to encourage women to vote. It was a very informative article in a lot of ways. I did not know, for instance, that 22 million single women failed to vote last presidential election or that 50 million women remain unregistered to vote. I was appalled. (Actually, it turns out that, in 2000, 28.4 million American citizen women were not registered to vote, and 9.9 million registered women voters did not vote. Stats can be found here [requires Acrobat Reader].)

And it occurred to me that I am very very stupid.

It never came into my head that women don’t vote as much as they should. Now, before you start sending me “Hey, buddy, I vote” e-mails, let’s just insert caveat #12 right here: I’m not talking about You. Just, you know…people in general. Anyway.

It never occurred to me that all these women didn’t vote. I mean it. Not in this “I’m so self-centered ha ha ha” manner, but in the manner of assuming that all these women did indeed vote. I approached this new subject as a child, so to speak. I had assumed that the sky was blue…turns out it’s not. It’s just light-waves and atmospheric filtering and a whole lot of boring junk. My assumptions were shattered, my world-view a bit more damaged.

These women don’t vote? But…but…but why?

Well, I don’t know. I have no answers to the why. If anyone does, my e-mail address is at the end of this piece.

But this article did point out something that I was vaguely aware of, and it has always troubled me. This “vulva-speak” as Ms. Traister calls it, this “wymyn” version of feminism.

I’m going to spout a cliché and say: I’m not a feminist, but… I am a person. Women are people. Dogs are not people, by way of comparison. Neither are monkeys or fichus plants. Thus dogs, monkeys and fichus plants do not get to vote.

And yes there are myriad particular physiological and psychological and blah blah blah differences between women and sweaty, grunting, Neanderthal men-folk, but…still people. So…I’m a little thrown off by this outré version of feminism.

I thought…I may’ve been wrong, I know, but I thought…that feminism was all about pointing out that, as expressed above, “Hey, women are people, too, and you men-folk are marginalizing us and that ain’t right.” Which I’m all “Woohoo! Right on! Yeah!” about. So this “vulva-speak” crowd throws me off because their message seems to come across as “We are Other! But equal! But still Other! Vulva! Vulva, vulva, vulva!”

Which, lemme tell ya, ain’t gonna get ya what you want.

Lookit…I know I’m sticking my neck out here, being a member of the White Male World Domination and Oppression Club (which club’s newsletter, by the by, I have not yet received, so Mr. Secretary of the White Male World Domination and Oppression Club can you update your mailing list, please? I might not mind the bitchin’ parking spot and the sooper seekrit handshake), but it seems to me that if you go around proclaiming you are Other, then you’re not getting the sympathy for your cause that you might otherwise get.

Man or woman, people relate to those around them. They don’t like it when their daughter or sister, wife or significant other or mother is kicked around and denied what’s fair.

But Others, screaming “VULVA!”…well, they could give a rat’s ass about, you know?

“Look at the loon over there. Screamin’ ‘vulva’. What’s she got against foreign cars?”

“Those are good cars, you’re right.”

Seems to me, but I am a stupid person, that what you might want to try saying to the women you want to vote this November 2, is something like “You’re being disenfranchised because of your gender. Is that fair? No, no it’s not. Are you less capable of doing the things men do? No, no you’re not. Should you be paid less, have what you do to your body dictated to you by others, remain marginalized and disenfranchised? Do you want your mom to remain marginalized and disenfranchised? How about your daughter? No? So vote, already.” Might work better than shouting about your vagina all over the place, you know?

Again, I know I’m stickin’ my neck out here. I’m gambling a bunch of hard-won credibility to say this. I’m just telling you what it looks like from here. And, really…you’re preaching to the choir. I’m all for equality. My wife and my mom would kick my ass if I weren’t. So I’m just sayin’…the message is getting lost in the noise.

We all know you have a vagina. We’re very happy for you, really. It makes no difference, to me at least, in whether or not you can do your job. That’s really all I care about. And part of your job, as citizens, is voting.

You are not Other. You are the Same. Go get your rights as People.

You’ll All Pay is written by patriarchal bastard and loudmouth Joe Conat. You can tell him that, come the Revolution, he’s first against the wall by clicking here.

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You’ll All Pay #26 (Yeah, I know I skipped…get over it.)

© 2004 Joe Conat

I was trying to delve…as deeply and honestly as I could…into my own psyche, looking for an explanation. It has occurred to me, you see, that my response to just about everything George W. Bush does is visceral and fierce beyond any response to a politician I have ever had before.Clinton lied. I’m not defending it or comparing it to Bush’s lies. I’m wondering why Clinton’s lies prompted a “meh”, while Bush’s lies initiate a volcanic, frothing rage in me.

Reagan lied. I’m not going to defend that position today…for the sake of argument let’s just accept it as fact: Reagan lied about Iran/Contra and quite a few other things. Yet his lies warranted a disgust borne of cynicism justified, rather than an overwhelming urge to stand atop the Capitol Building dressed as Moses and proclaim this administration an abomination in the eyes of all that is good and just and holy.

Why? I wondered, do I…yes, let’s admit…hate the man so much?

And I think it comes down to this: he has “attained” the highest position in our society, not through hard work and diligence, not through honorable civic or military service, not through intelligence or even strength of arms…but through graft and nepotism and handouts and “skating by”. He has spent his life, it appears, lying and cheating, scoffing at his betters and shirking his duties and responsibility…and he got away with it.

You know what I mean?

He gives every appearance of being the spoiled child of privilege that he claims he’s not. He slicks his way through Yale. He dodges active duty in Vietnam, and then dodges the commitment to the Air National Guard that helped him avoid active duty. He bungles management of companies and baseball teams, he staggers his way through his gubernatorial stint…and his family hands him Florida and the rest of the nation. He constantly and consistently screws up…and he is handed more rewards.

I mean…no wonder he felt he could go to war without the blessing of the United Nations. No wonder he blindly expected the American people to shout huzzahs as he sent our soldiers off to be slaughtered. No wonder he felt he could raid our national surplus while handing his pals a tax break and it would all turn out okay. No wonder he fully expects that, despite his abysmal foreign and domestic record, the American people will blissfully punch the chad next to his name on November 2 and then line Pennsylvania Avenue with banners and bunting while throwing rose petals in his path for his re-ascension.

He’s living the lie. I mean it…he’s living the lie.

He acknowledges he doesn’t read the news…people do it for him.

He doesn’t ever see protesters…the Secret Service keeps them penned in special “Free Speech Zones”.

He doesn’t ever engage in honest debate with citizens who may not adore him…people who go to see Bush speak have to sign “loyalty pledges” and avow that they loves them some President Bush, yes they do.

He’s completely surrounded himself with a screen of nannies and yes-men who tell him he’s special and wonderful and everyone loves him.

No wonder he can’t see where he’s gone wrong.

And no wonder he doesn’t care.

We are nothing to him. We’re peons. Peasants. Chattel. Hell, it’s entirely possible that, to him, we’re not even real.

He’s been handed everything in the universe and all he shows for it is incompetence and arrogance. He’s smug even as he screws up our country, and then he’s arrogantly affronted when somebody calls him on it.

It makes me dislike him intensely.

I’ve been called to task on occasion for showing a lack of respect for the President. I will cop to this.

But I want to make myself very clear here…I have the utmost respect for the office of the President. But it’s built into the law of the land that I don’t have to have or show respect for the man who currently holds that office.

Back in olden times, and perhaps even up to today, monarchs held their title and secured their position by telling their subjects that they, the king or queen, had a divine right to rule. That the monarch was, in fact, the only direct link between Man and God. And that only their chosen or their heirs could rule, as the chosen or heirs in question would become the only direct link between Man and God. And, by the way lowly peasant, you will never be the direct link between Man and God so if you want God to love you or, you know, be cognizant of your very existence you will bow and scrape to His representative on Earth and fetch His representative on Earth a cool goblet of wine as you go, thank you so very much.

And then some people said “To hell with that!” and left for Parts Largely Unknown. And they died.

But some other people said “To hell with that!” and gave it another go and managed to hold on for a while. And then, a hundred and some odd years later, they decided that they’d had enough of kowtowing and fetching raw materials for the Man who Talked for God and held themselves a Revolution. And they won. And they built themselves into a brand spanking new sovereign country and had it written into the laws of the land that there would be No More Kings for them and that the leader of this nation could not declare himself Ruler for Life or claim to be the only direct link between Man and God.

We would not worship the President.

I will not worship the President.

The office of President is an administrative position appointed by the people. In ideal cases devoid of voter fraud, we decide who sits in that Oval Office and his job is to direct the nation the way we want it. His job, in fact, sort of sucks…he’s in that office because enough people thought he was on the right track to vote him in there. But the job he’s supposed to do is to be an executive…to make the boring day-to-day decisions that keep the country running so that we, the people who put him there, can go back to watching TV or reading or whatever it is we’d rather be doing than staying up late and discussing trade agreements with Moldova.

He’s subject to review…if we don’t like what he’s doing it’s built in that we can dismiss him after four years. If we really don’t like what he’s doing we can dismiss him even sooner, via impeachment or what have you.

To make sure he doesn’t let his vaunted pencil-pushing position go to his head, we also appoint a council of policy-makers. Two councils, actually…the House and the Senate.

We also have a bunch of old lawyers who make sure he doesn’t go cuckoo with the laws and such.

The President is not a demi-god, is my point. He is not the sole wielder of all power in the land and he is not omnipotent. He cannot tell you what God intends for all of us.

Whoever holds the office of President must rise to the occasion. By design it’s a heavy and unwieldy mantle to bear. It carries with it the responsibility of being caretaker of the hopes, dreams, ideals and lives of the people who gave him that mantle.

In my opinion, George W. Bush has played havoc with that responsibility, has wantonly abused his power and privilege and has in the process squandered and endangered American prosperity and lives.

And he does it with a smug little grin and a twinkle in his eye. Because he knows he will not, ultimately, be held accountable for it. He will go to his grave believing that he did everything right and if it all turned to crap it’s because Democrats didn’t blindly follow his lead.

He is dangerously conceited. Dangerously.

I do not respect this President. I, in fact, dislike this President. His uncaring incompetence enrages me to the point of apoplexy. I laugh and giggle at his every fumble, his every gaffe and every piece of evidence that comes out showing what a liar and a criminal he really is.

I cop to that.

And my incessantly telling you that I don’t like him is guaranteed me by the closest thing we have in this country to Holy Writ. My exercising of my rights to tell you, over and over and over again, that I do not like this President and I think he should not be re-elected is a patriotic act.

So neener.

And as to my original point…I think I dislike George W. Bush because, when you come right down to it, he acts like the rich little snot we all knew growing up. He doesn’t care that he’s stupid, he doesn’t care that he’s clumsy and oafish, he doesn’t care that he’s wrong…his daddy is rich and can sue your daddy.

So neener.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat who lives in sullen resentment. You can attempt to penetrate his brooding sulk by writing him here.

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You’ll All Pay #27
© 2004 Joe Conat

I’m having a daughter.

Emma Jayne Conat is expected around November 30th of this year. She will stop living solely off her mother and will instead live off both her mother and I.

She will be tiny. She will be fragile and innocent and unknowing.

I’m having a daughter and our economy is in the toilet and we’re losing troops every day in a country we shouldn’t be in and people who fly airplanes into buildings are still out there plotting to do something like that again, maybe even something worse.

I think you see where I’m going with this.

This is why there’s an edge of barely stifled urgent panic when I write or speak about the Bush administration. Dubya the Clown Prince is heading our country and he’s so busy trying to remember how to spell his middle initial and that he shouldn’t pick his nose in front of Matt Lauer while the little red light on the camera is glowing that he fails to look around and see that his assurances of economic prosperity and peace in our time are lies.

Lies.

I’m having a daughter and she will be born into a world of lies. Where the leader of the most powerful country in the world cannot be believed when he says “Good morning”. Where the commander in chief of the most powerful military force in the history of our species cannot strike the right target, cannot see that his foolishness is wasting…yes, wasting…lives instead of safeguarding them, cannot find a way to bring our troops home for the next 20 years.

When my daughter is twenty years old, we will still be occupying Iraq. When my daughter is twenty years old, she will be old enough to go to Iraq, to wear a uniform and body armor.

When my daughter is twenty years old she will be eligible to be splattered across the hot desert sand by a roadside bomb or a rocket propelled grenade. When my daughter is twenty years old she could be killed by a person born on the same day as my daughter, raised under our occupation. She could be killed by a person sharing the same birthday as her, somebody who hates her simply because she’s American and isn’t where she’s wanted.

I’m having a daughter. She will never know what it’s like to not be concerned about terrorism. She will go to nursery school and kindergarten and elementary school, junior high, high school, college…and she will always be aware that somewhere out there is a person…who could share the same birthday…who might be carrying a dirty bomb on the subway she takes. Who is learning to fly a plane. Who might have strapped several pounds of dynamite to their chest and is sitting beside her on the bus. She will never know that she is safe.

I’m having a daughter. She will never know that, if all goes wrong, the government cares about her and will help her if she gets sick. She will always be concerned about insurance and health care and HMOs and who will screw her over the least.

She will never have the assurance of financial security in her golden years.

And if we give Bush four more years, she will never know a time when her country wasn’t dealing with a huge budget deficit.

She will never know of a time when we could touch the stars. She will never know of a time when our goal was to unite humanity and achieve the unthinkable and breed heroes to walk the skies.

That’s what I’m looking at. This is the world my beautiful daughter is going to be born into.

But by all the gods, if I have anything to say about it…and I do…this is not the world she will marry in. This is not the world her children will be born into. This is not the world she will die in.

It is time…it is past time…for us to move along a different path. We cannot…can not…let the world slide into wrack and ruin, let the greatest country in the world veer dangerously off course into madness and the nonsense dreams of an idiot man-child.

We begin by getting Bush out of the White House. And we keep it up by never letting his ilk take the reins of power again.

We have a responsibility, you see. We have to be more aware, more careful. We have to know who we’re putting in charge…and they have to know we know.

We have to hold them accountable. Every decision they make should be met with intense scrutiny, with deep consideration…and, if we think it’s the wrong decision, extremely vocal opposition.

We hold them accountable by holding ourselves accountable. See?

We will never again know a world where this isn’t paramount. Where the people must be smarter and stronger and braver than they were. Where the people have to be less complacent, more aware and industrious. Where we safeguard our planet, our country, our people…and our children…with every fiber of everything that we are.

I’m having a daughter.

One day, for her birthday…I will give her the world.

I want it to be the best gift ever.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can send him comments here.

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You’ll All Pay #25

© Joe Conat 2004

The latest stupid kerfuffle in the news has been over Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s attack on California Legislature Democrats for being three weeks behind on the budget by calling them “girlie-men”, a direct rip-off of the “Hans and Franz” sketches immortalized on Saturday Night Live by Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon.

Democrats all over the state, and probably the country, have snottily decried Schwarzenegger for “calling names”.

Democrats in my immediate area (my wife and my Democrat friends) are split. Some decry this as another sign of the fall of Western civilization and an omen of an impending witchhunt against liberals. The rest of us think the whole thing’s stupid and our only bitch is that the Democrats don’t fight back.

Democrats never fight back.

Democrats: FIGHT BACK, ALREADY!!

Schwarzenegger calls you a “girlie-man”? Call him an oafish muscle-bound meathead and insinuate that his ill-considered remarks were the product of ‘roid rage. Say that perhaps the Governor should go back to the less complicated things he’s accustomed to, like remembering the three word line “I’ll be back” and how to look cool while holding a prop gun, and leave the complex governance of the largest state in the Union, population-wise, to people who have spent years in higher education learning how to do precisely that. Remind people that his most public business enterprise, Planet Hollywood, went under some years ago and, golly, how does that reflect on one of its primary “governors”, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger? How about just saying “Running California is a difficult business and maybe we should not so much listen to a man whose primary concern for years was ‘lifting heavy things’.” Remind him how to correctly pronounce “California”.

Let’s take this national, people! Fight back! Bush makes lawyer jokes about John Edwards? Edwards should make drunk driving jokes! Baseball manager jokes! Failed oil entrepreneur jokes!

Bush bashes Kerry for being a “waffler”? Why doesn’t Kerry bash Bush right back for being such a poor marksman he invaded the wrong country! Why doesn’t Kerry say right back “Hey, I served my country…and I have the records to prove it!” Or even “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you…I was listening for somebody who was actually elected President!”

Bush says, in response to a question about John Edwards’ suitability as veep “Dick Cheney could be president”, implying that John Edwards couldn’t? Say “Of course Cheney could be president…he got the votes!” Or “Really? That might be difficult to do, presiding over the United States from the Hague!”

I know, I know…the “high road”. “We’re too good…too dignified…to fight back in such a beastly manner.” Well, your following the Marquis de Queensbury is getting your butt kicked. You come out swinging you could be trouncing Bush right now, rather than a nail-biting neck and neck. California Dems could have Schwarzenegger eating out of their hands rather than cowering because the Governor is urging the people to “terminate” them at the next elections.

Taking the high road is making you look like the snotty nerd boy everyone hated on the playground. The one who sniffed that the other kids were beneath him and that fighting was unmannerly (because he was no good at it) and tattled to the teacher every five minutes…but never EVER got to play on the monkey bars and got his ass kicked every recess.

You don’t have to be a bully. Never swing first is rule number one. Never goad another into an attack. Comport yourself with dignity and be on your best behavior. Until the bullies pounce.

Then…finish them! Fight. BACK!!

If you don’t they just keep hammering on you, and they win. If you don’t they keep the power and they win. If you don’t they get their way and they win and the country gets worse and worse off. This is too important to stick to the high road at all costs. Fight back! Be a hero! Win this thing!

Gandhi managed to turn back the British Empire with passive resistance. Good for Gandhi. You know why that worked? The Brits cared that they were hurting people and that their image was being tarnished by looking like the bully.

Bush doesn’t care. Schwarzenegger doesn’t care. To them, being a bully is being the hero. They use words like “Tough” and “whatever it takes” and they mean it!

Fight back, dammit!

And, while you’re at it, would someone please kick the crap out of that attention whore Ralph Nader?

Turns out the Unsafe for Any Campaign candidate is giving up any pretense of chastity and is openly bending over for a GOP injection of funds and aid. In Michigan he accepted a spot on the presidential ballot as an “independent” candidate based on 43,000 signature collected for him by…the Michigan Republican Party!

Someone, please…just kick this guy in the nuts, wouldja? Somebody? Hell, bring him by my house, I’ll nut him for ya.

I’m all about “Yeah! Third parties! No reason we should only have two parties! Go!” but not this time. And since Nader is, again, trying to be a deciding factor in swing states…he may as well just tell his followers to vote for Bush and give up the charade.

The guy might as well hang out on a corner in Hollywood, really. In West Virginia the Nader campaign hired a Florida company, JSM Inc., to gather petition signatures and get him on the West Virginia ballot. That firm is now under investigation by Kanawha County prosecutors for allegedly getting those signatures illegally, by misrepresenting what their ballot was for (“get a ‘minority’ on the ballot”) and refusing to reveal that the minority was actually Ralph “Hey, Sailor” Nader, or show their credentials. In Arizona, that same firm used a convicted felon to collect Nader petition signatures…that’s illegal in Arizona.

Good-bye, Nader. You can’t run a legal campaign, you shouldn’t be in the race. Go. Away. Already.

Plus, as far as I can tell his platform is “Because I wanna be President. Because I wanna. Because. Because. Because.”

Fight back. Take a swing. The chins are out there, beggin’ for a swat. They’ve left themselves open and the fight needs winning so FIGHT already!

You don’t have to get down in the mud. But you will have to bloody your knuckles, someday.

You’ll All Pay is brought to you by World Boxing Federation (not really). You can weigh in for the ring here.

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You’ll All Pay #24

© 2004 Joe Conat

“Power Grab”

Yeah, kids, it’s a Special Edition of YAP, coming hot on the heels of #23. But there’s cause, o children…Bush may have to be pried out of the Oval Office with the Jaws of Life ™.

It’s big news and there’re probably a dozen places you can read about it. Here’s one of my favorites. But the topic is the same no matter where you get it.

The administration says it may have to, regrettably, delay the elections if there’s a terrorist incident. That’s what they say. “Delay”.

I’m betting the Weasel in the White House will try to postpone the things indefinitely using his “you don’t change horses mid-stream” argument.

Hell, Bush will probably try to proclaim himself Generalissimo Father of Our Country President Eternal.

Currently, Aufseher der Heimat-Sicherheit Herr Tom Ridge is having the Dept. of Homeland Security explore what “legal steps” may be necessary to hijack the country and deliver it unto Bush’s crushing iron grasp at a moment’s notice should the putative dictator of the former democratic republic of the United States of America so order. To that end the Dept. of Loosely Defined Justice is reviewing a letter from Mr. Deforest Soaries, chairman of the U.S. Election Assistance Commission.

The what? you ask? Funny, I asked the same thing. So I went a-huntin’. And it turns out, according to their about page, the E.A.C. was established by the Help America Vote Act of 2002. Since Florida proved that enough idiots being unable to figure out how to punch a hole in a stationary piece of cardboard in such a manner as to indicate who they’d like for President or with enough force to make that choice clear can deliver the country into the butterfingered hands of a raving lunatic, we need to pass an Act of Congress to establish a whole commission dedicated to helping us dimwitted plain folk figure out how to vote.

On the About page of the official E.A.C. website you will find this excerpt from the Help America Pull Its Collective Head Out of Its ASS Act of 2002: “…establish a program to provide funds to States to replace punch card voting systems, to establish the Election Assistance Commission to assist in the administration of Federal elections and to otherwise provide assistance with the administration of certain Federal election laws and programs, to establish minimum election administration standards for States and units of local government with responsibility for the administration of Federal elections, and for other purposes.”

Replace punch card voting systems. With what, I wonder?

Electronic voting? Well, there’s a problem with that. Oh, wait…I’m sorry.

There’s a PLENTITUDE of problems with that.

According to this article in Computerworld, the Brennan Center for Justice at New York University School of Law and the Leadership Conference on Civil Rights assembled IT security experts to look at the problem and the experts’ assessment is the technology isn’t ready and the procedures are not secure from potential vote tampering. That’s a big issue as roughly 30% of the country will be using e-voting machines this November. If there’s an election this November.

Australian IT reports that Florida’s new touch screen e-voting machines failed to recognize the vote of approximately one in one hundred people who used it during Florida’s Democratic presidential primary. That’s about eight times the failure rate of the optical scanner used previously.

And, of course, the prime maker of e-voting machines, Diebold Inc., is chaired by Walden O’Dell, a massive supporter of Bush. Mr. O’Dell, while trying to sell Ohio on Diebold’s e-voting machines, told Republicans in a fund-raising letter that he was “committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year.”

Help America Vote my ass!!

But it may not even come to that. As I mentioned, DeForest Soaries, head of the E.A.C., wrote a letter to Tom Ridge pointing out that “the federal government has no agency that has the statutory authority to cancel and reschedule a federal election” should terrorists attack again and asking Ridge to ask Congress to pass legislation that would let the government cancel an election.

If this passes…how long are we stuck with Bush? Can he be called President if he is, in fact, Dictator for Life?

I will not be surprised if Bush makes an obvious power grab like this. His ship appears to be sinking under him. His former relationship with indicted Enron CEO Kenneth Lay is causing him enough trouble to throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a press briefing. His Vice President faces indictment by French authorities on charges of bribery, misuse of corporate assets and money laundering in his former role as CEO of Halliburton and is being investigated by the United States Securities and Exchange Commission for a $180 million dollar “slush fund” that may have been used for bribery. (articles here and here) The Vice President’s wife, Lynne Cheney, is saying that gay marriage is a state’s issue and not the federal government’s, in opposition to the Bush/Cheney administration’s desire to impose a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage and subsequently marginalizing a section of the American citizenry. Senator Alfonse D’amato is calling on Bush to dump Cheney as his running mate for re-election.

An investigation by the inspector general for the Department of Health and Human Services has found that the White House intentionally misled Congress on the final cost of the Medicare plan. Which, it turns out, may not be illegal. It’s not right…but it’s not illegal.

His aides allege he’s insane. His military record is in question and any documentation that would settle the question has been inadvertently destroyed. Michael Moore is making him look like an even bigger ass (“…now watch this drive.”) and his own father is reported to disagree with his policies.

With all this going wrong around him, would anybody be surprised if he attempted another, albeit bigger and more blatant coup as possibly the only means by which to keep his office?

How long, do you think, until we hear this speech:

“My fellow Americans…due to recent events I am forced to cancel the upcoming elections and retain my office as President of the United States by force of arms. I regret that this is necessary, but the war on terror is hard on all of us.

I must also, in the interest of national security within our borders, declare martial law throughout the entire country. I do this with a heavy heart, but secure in the knowledge that what I do is right for the American people and ensures their continued safety, prosperity and way of life, after a fashion.

I tell you this right now…I will not rest until every terrorist is caught. I will not rest until we, as a nation, are entirely safe. I will not leave my office as President until these goals are accomplished, and peace has been restored.

God bless us all. Looters will be shot on sight. Good night.”

You’ll All Pay was written in the midst of the rioting subsequent to the fall of the American government. You can send missives of hope to be included in his supplies airdrop here.

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You’ll All Pay #23

© 2004 Joe Conat

There’s a meanness in the air.

Have you felt it? I have. I’ve had to work very hard not to take part in it or respond to it when talking politics. The country is so divided and so vehement about the lines its drawn that reasoned discourse is rapidly becoming impossible.

I feel it, believe me.

“Experiment in Vitriol” (You’ll All Pay #21 here) was not just a tongue-in-cheek sniping at the grossest and most vile of the conservative pundits. It was, I now confess, an indulgence in hate speech of my own, a street-level down and dirty attack on conservatives and the G.O.P. It was my “fighting fire with fire”, my revenge for what I perceive is the stupidity and, in some cases, pure evil of the loudest spokespeople for the right-wing.

I do not apologize.

I’m tired, folks. I’m so damn tired. I want this election over, I want good to triumph over evil already, I want Bush out and somebody sane and intelligent in.

Here. Did you see this? Funny, huh? Hahahahahahahaaaa!!

I’m not so sure it’s satire.

Every damn day something new comes out. Today the New York Times revealed that Bush’s service records during the 1972-1973 period where, it is alleged, he didn’t bother to show up for his Air National Guard duties were “coincidentally” destroyed. Aw…too bad. They might’ve proved that Bush isn’t a lying duty-shirking weasel. But they’re not available anymore.

We are assured the records would have proven that Bush isn’t a lying duty-shirking weasel by the Bush administration. Pardon me while I express my doubt.

Ahem. Suuuuuurrrrre they would, Mr. Not-Elected-President.

The Miami Herald reports that Florida hasn’t fixed its ballot woes. Big surprise, Jeb Bush. Ready to whore out your state to your brother again? Florida’s cheap and gives satisfaction every time.

Do I sound mad? I am mad. I’m extremely pissed off, actually.

The Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report that said the C.I.A. was grossly and unbelievably wrong in the intelligence it handed our government in regard to Iraq. This bolstered an entirely false “justification” for a costly and unnecessary war.

Senator John D. Rockefeller IV is quoted as saying “There is simply no question that mistakes leading up to the war in Iraq rank among the most devastating losses and intelligence failures in the history of the nation…The fact is that the administration at all levels, and to some extent us, used bad information to bolster its case for war. And we in Congress would not have authorized that war — we would NOT have authorized that war — with 75 votes if we knew what we know now.”

That mean 880 U.S. troops would still be alive. $151.1 billion would not have been poured into two foreign lands that still hate us!

“But…” I hear conservatives stammer. No. No “but”. Iraq is worse off, and we are even more unsafe than we were ON Sept. 11, 2001. What once was a secular nation that had no truck with al Qaeda is now brimming with terrorists.

“Aha!” I have heard conservatives justify “that’s the brilliant part! Iraq is acting like flypaper, attracting all the terrorists in the world in one place so we can get them!”

Whuh? Are you really that retarded? That’s the dumbest plan since Wile E. Coyote strapped on roller-skates and a rocket!

The “Flypaper plan” is something Andrew Sullivan “heard from an unnamed source close to the Bush administration” (read: pulled out of his ass) and continues to stand by to this day, exhibiting typical neo-con blindness and adherence to party dogma no matter how patently idiotic it is.

Sullivan, on his blog, states: “[Bush] has to tell the American people that more violence in Iraq may not in some circumstances be a bad thing. It may be a sign that we are flushing out terror and confronting it, rather than passively waiting for it to attack again. He has to remind people that this war is far from over, that the mission is still very much unaccomplished, and that this is not Vietnam.”

That, to me, sounds like desperate rationalization of what is rapidly revealing itself to be the worst foreign policy blunder in American history if not, say, EVER!

“President” Bush is raping the environment, messing up healthcare and the Social Security, screwing the middle class with tax cuts for the rich…and he has the balls to claim he’s doing a good job!

270,000 new jobs. Crap! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…those are recovered jobs, jobs we got BACK that were lost when the market tanked because the Bush family was stealing the election! Not to mention the economic fallout from 9/11 and we’re going to see even more fallout from this disastrous boondoggle in Iraq!

Let me spell this out clearly for the G.O.P.: Bush is a liar. He is an incompetent. He is a madman. He is a moron. He is the worst president EVER. Okay? Why are you so damn blind to that? What will it take for you to separate party loyalty from fact and realize that supporting Bush has come to mean helping the destruction of America?

I usually try to sound more reasonable in these columns, but this time I just don’t have the patience. I’m letting a little of the national meanness slip in. Believe me, it is by no measure all the meanness I feel.

I’m coming to feel prejudiced. I’m coming to associate “Republican” with “fanatical retard”. I’m coming to associate “conservative” with “brainless automaton”. I don’t want to feel that way. I enjoy reasoned debate, I enjoy measured consideration of a subject.

But, to me, there is nothing to measure here. Bush is wrong for the country and he must be removed from office this upcoming election. He MUST.

Or we will lose this country.

You’ll All Pay is screamed into a dictaphone by Joe Conat. You can tell him he’s gone ‘round the bend here.

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You’ll All Pay # 22

© 2004 Joe Conat

I’m giggling here. I’m giggling both in glee and…I’ll admit it, I’m not ashamed…I’m giggling that nervous “I’m peein’ myself out of sheer terror” giggle.

Our President is a crazy man.

Well, okay. Allegedly a crazy man.

The Internet published “newspaper” Capitol Hill Blue revealed on June 4 that White House aides are privately concerned over the Chief’s mental health. Describing the President as paranoid and megalomaniacal, these people relate stories about President Bush’s increasingly bizarre behavior, from declaring his decisions to be “God’s will” to instructing his minions to “f*** over” anyone who opposes him. He will swing from quoting scripture to rabid, epithet filled rants against Democrats, the media and other “enemies of the state”. One aide is quoted as saying: “In this administration, you don’t have to wear a turban or speak Farsi to be an enemy of the United States. All you have to do is disagree with the President.”

Oh, joy.

I mean I always suspected that President Bush wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the chandelier. His insistence on the presence of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq in the face of multiple U.N. Inspectors’ reports refuting that assertion seemed to me to be the stubbornness of the schoolyard dummy, that mulish pouting and endless repetition of “Yuh-huh! Yuh-huh!” so characeristic of the just-bright-enough-to-know-he’s-not-that-bright. I thought he was simply too hell bent on ruining the country to see any other path, too blind to reality because of his lack of brains.

Turns out he’s just delusional or something.

Dr. Justin Frank, author of “Bush on the Couch: Inside the Mind of the President” comes to the conclusion that our Commander in Chief is “an untreated alcoholic” and has shown a “lifelong streak of sadism, ranging from childhood pranks (using firecrackers to explode frogs) [Joe’s interjection: Isn’t cruelty to animals as a youngster one of the “warning signs” that the child may grow up to be a serial killer?] to insulting journalists, gloating over state executions …” Dr. Frank also asserts that George W. Bush suffers from “character pathology” and exhibits symptoms of that pathology such as grandiosity and megalomania. The President considers himself, America and God Almighty as fungible.

He also describes President Bush as “indecisive, paranoid and delusional”.

This view is supported by psychoanalyst and registered Republican Dr. Carolyn Williams who “finds the bulk of [Dr. Frank’s] analysis credible.”

“[President Bush’s] behavior suggests a classic paranoid personality. Additionally, his stated belief that certain actions are ‘God’s Will’ are symptomatic of delusional behavior.”

This man controls the mightiest army in the history of the world. He has access to and control over a nuclear arsenal that could destroy the planet ten times over. His decisions affect your day-to-day lives and the lives of your friends and families.

He is a crazy person.

Allegedly.

When put in this light, a lot of our country’s current problems make a bit more sense. To Bush perhaps there were WMDs in Iraq. Maybe he’s sitting in the Oval Office staring at a Tommy the Tank Engine coloring book and thinking it’s a dossier of Keyhole satellite photos showing a big ol’ nuclear weapons manufactory with a neon sign proclaiming it to be “Uncle Saddam’s Big Ol’ House O’ Nukes”! He’s lost in this delusion and thinking we’re all crazy for not seeing what he sees.

Also in that photograph is Osama bin Laden, shaking Saddam Hussein’s hand and giving a cheerful “thumbs up” while al-Qaeda members load intermediate range ballistic missiles into a semi.

Maybe he thinks all the countries that don’t agree with his foreign policies, like France and Germany, are in the thrall of grey Rigellians who have assumed human form and taken over the highest offices of those lands. President Chirac is actually Z’rquongil, High Prefect of the Rigellian Empire (sector 302)!

I don’t actually believe the President is that far gone. But I am concerned.

No. I’m frightened.

The pressures brought to bear on the President of the United States are titanic. A normal, well-balanced individual could well crack under the strain.

Think what inevitably must happen to an abnormal, unbalanced person.

We can’t risk it. Four more years of those Brobdingnagian stresses will surely shatter the thin façade of sanity George W. Bush is presenting. What a man can do with the resources the President has at his command while under the influence of his darker impulses gone wild…

I shudder to think.

Even if he hasn’t cracked, he’s made a mess of things. A bipartisan group of 27 former diplomats and military commanders calling themselves, appropriately enough, Diplomats and Military Commanders for Change have announced that they support Bush’s defeat this upcoming November because of their belief that the Bush administration’s foreign policy “is not able to rise to the responsibilities of world leadership in either style or substance” and is a danger to national security.

“Our security has been weakened. America’s armed forces were not prepared for military occupation and nation-building…Muslim youth are turning to anti-American terrorism. Public opinion polls throughout the world report hostility toward us. Never in our history has the United States been so isolated among nations, so broadly feared and distrusted,” says Phyllis Oakley, a member of Diplomats and Military Commanders for Change and former assistant secretary of state under President Clinton.

Air Force General Merrill McPeak (ret.), Air Force chief of staff under the first President Bush says “At the end of my active service, ten years ago, I signed up as a Republican…And in 2000 I was a veteran for Bush. This administration has gone away from me, not vice-versa.”

That’s a lot of highly qualified people saying our foreign policy is misguided and dangerous.

The 9/11 Commission has stated that there is no credible link between Iraq and al-Qaeda in the planning, support or execution of the 9/11 attacks. Vice President Cheney has stubbornly refused to retract his statement that there definitely was a connection…is the entire administration loony-tunes?

The lunatics are running the asylum. And while that’s great if your leader is named Randle McMurphy, it’s not so fantastic when your leader is George W. Bush and the asylum is the United States. While he’s pretending to watch the World Series on a turned-off television, our soldiers are under very real and very deadly attack in a foreign land, our economy is tanking and we still haven’t caught the terrorist who started the whole fiasco in the first place.

It’s time for Nurse Ratched to administer the heavy dose of Oustitol doctors recommend to President Bush and co.

Or some people may just heave a sink through the window and escape.

You’ll All Pay is transcribed from the lunatic ramblings of Joe Conat. You can recommend methods of treatment here.

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You’ll All Pay #21

© 2004 Joe Conat

…or

“Republicans Hate America!”

It’s so obvious when one wipes the dried pus of self-delusional conjunctivitis from one’s eye. Having cleared your vision of the stinking crust of conservative ideology to see the true light of the liberal side, I don’t see why anyone, even anyone as stupid as your average Republican, could choose any other course.

Republicans are the most anti-American force out there. It is truly frightening that a “political party”…really a terrorist cult…is in control of all three branches of government, the first time such an atrocity has occurred since 1929. And we all know what happened then. The Republicans’ first attempt to destroy this great land of ours resulted in the Great Depression, a morass of economic ruin from which only the Democratic party and its pure unsullied love of country could pull us.

Republicans are as good as the terrorists that knock down buildings, blow up trains and wreak terror and blood across the globe. Republicans LOVE the terrorists…who else could frighten the good people of the United States of America enough to give the Republicans such unprecedented power? Power enough to subvert the Constitution itself, a document so dear to the hearts of Democrats it’s practically holy writ. Only Democrats love the country so much.

Republicans fund terrorists. They arm terrorists. They did it in 1979 and the American people paid the price in 2001. They gave the Afghanis guns and man-portable rocket launchers and those weapons are turned on American troops in Afghanistan and Iraq today.

When terrorists don’t have homes, the Republicans send American troops to Iraq to clear the way and GIVE terrorists a home. When terrorists run and hide, Republicans fail to look for them. Have you heard of Osama bin Laden being captured? Me either.

While our sons and daughters sacrifice their lives for the terrorists, the Republicans make sure the terrorists have every advantage the Republicans can give them by under-equipping our troops. They can blame this on Democrats if they like, but the truth is it was Republicans that decided to send our boys and girls over there anyway, even though the Republicans knew our nation’s children lacked sufficient body armor and armored vehicles.

If that weren’t enough exposure to violent death for our troops, the Republicans urge, and probably downright order the torture of Iraqi prisoners. Why? To extract intelligence? Hah! Intelligence procured via torture is almost always useless. The Republicans know that. The torture and the release of the pictures was to inflame the burgeoning anti-American sentiments already brewing in Iraq’s occupied populace and encourage them to become terrorists and shoot at our soldiers! Why?

Because Republicans hate America!!

Republicans urge tax cuts for the rich, the top 2% of the population. That means they want the other 98% to suffer poverty and privation. They hate that 98% and actively try to make their lives harder. Stress reduces your life-span and they want you dead.

Republicans do not want gun control. The laxer the control, the more guns on the street. The more guns on the street, the higher the likelihood that you, one of that 98% and likely unable to afford extensive protection like bodyguards or body-armor, will be killed in violent crime. The Republicans like that. Remember, they hate you and want you to die. Because they’re terrorists.

Under every Republican president since and including Eisenhower the deficit has grown and grown due to their mismanagement. They want America to be financially weak. They hate America. They want America to fail.

Every Republican has mismanaged the military. They send our troops where they aren’t needed or wanted to be killed by people we have no interest in. The Republicans simply enjoy seeing our soldiers die by the hundreds. Korea, Vietnam, Grenada, the Persian Gulf and now Iraq. They want soldiers dying overseas and not protecting our shores. They want us to be militarily drained and defenseless. They hate America.

They hate freedom. Hate it! The USA PATRIOT Act is a blatant attempt to restrict or take away our basic rights and freedom. They hate freedom because freedom means American citizens question things. They ask questions like “Why didn’t you predict 9/11?” “Why is gas so expensive?” “Why is the FBI snooping through my trash?” “Why is my son splattered all over a home in Fallujah by an American manufactured rocket propelled grenade fired by an Iraqi dissident at his unarmored Humvee?” They don’t like those questions because the only true answers are “We hate America. We hate freedom and liberty. We hate you and we hate your son. We are terrorists and fascists.” And those answers don’t let them stay in power. Or out of jail.

There is no defense for being a Republican. In fact, it should be a crime. They should take the voter rolls and hunt down every Republican in America and charge them with treason and have mass hangings in Times Square. And they should film those mass hangings and show them every Fourth of July.

Republicans are sullen, stupid, wrathful animals and should be treated as rabid dogs…gunned down in the street for the safety of our citizens. They are diseased and should be quarantined in camps on deserted islands until they starve. They should be removed from the gene pool to purify future generations of Americans.

Because they hate America. Hate it!

We are weaker now than we have ever been. The world hates us now more than it ever has in the history of this country. More people want to destroy America than ever have since its inception.

But the people who hate it the most and want it destroyed more than any others…are the people who currently control it.

A vote for a Republican is a vote for your own demise. You may as well put a shotgun in your mouth and blow your brains all over your garage. A vote for a Republican is a vote for the Devil and will lead you to damnation and God himself will turn his face from you. A vote for a Republican makes the Baby Jesus cry.

A vote for a Democrat is a vote for prosperity, peace and everything that is good and right in the world. A vote for a Democrat is a vote for all the human heart holds dear.

A vote for a third party is a waste of five minutes.

Vote Democratic or suffer the iniquities of Hell on Earth. Vote Democratic or the terrorists have won! Vote Democratic or YOU are a terrorist!

Are you a terrorist? No, of course not. So vote Democratic.

Because Republicans hate America and kill baby seals and don’t celebrate Christmas and are inhuman soul-eating scum!!

[This article inspired by Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Michael Savage. This article is ‘tongue-in-cheek’…

…or is it?]

You’ll All Pay was written by staunch Democrat and Upstanding Citizen Joe Conat. You can explain why Republicans aren’t Satanists and baby-killers here. Any attempt to point out egregious factual errors or outrageous hyperbole will be met with “Yeah, tell it to Rush, Ann and Mike. What are you, a terrorist?”

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You’ll All Pay #20

© 2004 Joe Conat

I don’t get it. No, seriously, explain it to me.

Republicans: Why do you support President Bush?

No. Seriously.

You know, I can understand party loyalty. That’s fine. You believe in smaller government and a different path to economic stability and whatnot. Great. You have looked at both sides and looked deep into your heart and you have said “I agree more with the ideals set forth by the Republican Party than those espoused by the Democratic Party or any third party.” Fine. I’m not asking you why you’re a Republican.

Why do you support George W. Bush?

And the answer “because he’s the leader of my party” no longer flies with me, okay?

First off…and this is a very simplified version of what the G.O.P. purports to stand for, I know…Bush doesn’t act much like a Republican, aside from his emphasis on big business.

Smaller government? Government that doesn’t intrude on your day-to-day? Government that respects your right to live unmonitored?

USA PATRIOT Act. I’m just sayin’.

Economic growth and stability? Biggest recession ever. Billions pissed away to evaporate in the hot sands of Iraq. Tax cuts for the rich that, it turns out, aren’t benefitting the poor (imagine my shock). Incredible loss of jobs. And, yeah, we’re slowly recovering, but don’t hand me that “x hundred of thousands of new jobs this year alone”. Those aren’t “new” jobs, those are recovered jobs. According to some studies we won’t have a “new” job until 2007. Okay?

So, right there…not so much with the Republicanism.

But moreover…he’s doing a TERRIBLE JOB leading this country! Doesn’t that reflect poorly on the G.O.P.?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Lookit…Bush is like the Emperor with his new clothes and instead of any one of you pointing out that he’s naked you are saying that Versace has a great new fall line. That makes you all look like fools. I mean…children can see it! He’s naked!

Here is the reason I keep hearing for keeping Bush in the Oval Office.

“You don’t switch horses midstream.” That’s it? That’s all you got? “He’s already there and it’d be a pain to move him?”

Let’s try a hypothetical: You are on a horse. Next to you is another horse. You are riding your horse across a swiftly running stream. Your horse, not the best to begin with and not what you’d call “bright” even for a horse and possibly even rabid, makes a radical misstep, breaks its ankle and is falling down. It will undoubtedly trap you under its crushing weight and hold you underwater and you will drown and die.

Do you jump to the other horse then? What if the other horse has a brand from a different ranch? Does that matter?

Me, I’m reaching for the other horse’s bridle RIGHT NOW!

Unless you’re super-rich, how do YOU benefit? Seriously, what have YOU, the average middle-class Republican gotten from a Bush presidency? Are there special Republican gas stations where you pay less than $2.00 a gallon? Is there a small sticker you put in your window saying “F.B.I. Agents! Exempt from secret Search and Seizure allowed under USA PATRIOT! Please search our suspiciously liberal neighbors instead!” Are there secret C.I.A. operatives in Iraq telling insurgents “No, don’t launch an RPG at that Humvee…that one’s full of Republican soldiers. Launch at the next one.” Is there a sooper-sekrit Republicans only cure for Alzheimer’s that doesn’t involve stem-cells?

What are you getting that the rest of us aren’t?

Because I seriously don’t get it. This president is so bad, so inept, so corrupt that I don’t see where partisan politics any longer plays a role. Look, the dude’s just horrible for the country and whether you’re Democrat, Republican or third party you’re still an American and a citizen of this country and don’t you want what’s best for it? Don’t you?

Well, let me tell ya, Bush ain’t it.

M.P.s in Abu Ghraib torture…no, don’t give me that “make uncomfortable” and certainly don’t hand me that “frat hazing” crap; it’s torture…and Bush unequivocally supports Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the man who not only failed to stop the torture, but covered it up with the media as long as he could and, evidently, failed to inform the President himself, which…well, that’s his job. He didn’t do his job. And yet, Bush tells Rumsfeld “You are doing a superb job.” Whuh? In what Bizarro world is failure to inform your boss of something drastically wrong under his command “superb”?

Bush says there are WMDs in Iraq. This has become a stand-up comedian’s standard fare these days. Such a blatant lie, and it’s becoming clearer and clearer that Bush KNEW it was a lie. Bush links Iraq with 9/11. EVERYBODY knew that was a lie.

Result? We invade Iraq (to the initial tune of $87 billion with a further request for $50 billion more…money that ain’t goin’ in your pocket, or your schools or to fix your roads) and find NO WMDs and NO link to Al-Qaida and we create, rather than eliminate, a potential terrorist state full of people who hate the United States. That makes Bush…a threat to national security.

How is that good for the Republican party? How is that good for America?

Hell, how is that good for anyone?

Another question for the Republicans: Why do you continue to let the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and Michael Savage speak for you?

You want examples of making the party look bad…

On May 4, 2004 the “proverbial spokesperson” for the G.O.P. in the media likened human rights violations against prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq to fraternity hazing.

CALLER: It was like a college fraternity prank that stacked up naked men –

LIMBAUGH: Exactly. Exactly my point! This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation and we’re going to ruin people’s lives over it and we’re going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I’m talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You of heard of need to blow some steam off?

Yeah, lemme tell you, there is nothing like kicking back on a Friday night, having a couple of brews and sodomizing those noisy neighbors with chemical lights, then pouring phosphor on them and setting my dog on them. Just like in college.

Is he high? Oh, wait…

Off-camera, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan called Limbaugh’s remarks “wrong, unacceptable and inexcusable”, but on-camera he simply refused to comment directly on the matter. Probably didn’t want to alienate the Rush listeners who can figure out how to vote. So, even the White House is saying “Shut up, Rush!” but real quiet-like.

And how’s about wacky, zany Ann Coulter, who decided to blame the blatant violations of the Geneva Convention on women in the military?

On Fox News, Coulter was heard to say “I think the other point that no one is making about the abuse photos is just the disproportionate number of women involved, including a girl general running the entire operation. I mean, this is a lesson, you know, one million and 47 on why women shouldn’t be in the military. In addition to not being able to carry even a medium-sized backpack, women are too vicious.”

That’s right, women out there…according to Ann Coulter you’re not only weak, but you’re inhuman bitches, too. She should know, after all. Takes one to know one.

But worst by far is Michael Savage.

“I don’t mean to be too comedic in the political arena, but these so called abuse photos frankly are mild by comparisons to what goes on in South of Market clubs in San Francisco.”

“And I think there should be no mercy shown to these sub-humans. I believe that a thousand of them should be killed tomorrow. I think a thousand of them held in the Iraqi prison should be given 24 hour — a trial and executed. I think they need to be shown that we are not going to roll over to them. It won’t happen. It won’t happen because of the CBS Communists. It won’t happen because of the CNN traitors. I won’t happen because of the MSNBC empty heads. And we the people are the ones who are going to suffer today.

Instead of putting joysticks, I would have liked to have seen dynamite put in their orifices and they should be dropped from airplanes. How’s that? You like that one? Go call somebody that you want to report me to, see if I care. They should put dynamite in their behinds and drop them from 35,000 feet, the whole pack of scum out of that jail. Thank you CBS. Thank you New Yorker. Thank you Carl Levin. Thank you Ted Kennedy. Thank you Hillary Clinton. I’m sure that Mr. Berg’s parents appreciate what you’ve done for them.”

“Nick Berg, an American, not military, over there building transmission towers, was captured by the Untermenschen the sub-humans, who wrap themselves in a religion. He is seen saying his mother’s name, his father’s name, sister’s name, his brother’s name and then the smiling Arabs cut a living human beings head off as he screams. It’s a blood-curdling scream that you’ll ever hear again. You’ll never get it out of your mind if you’re a normal person, or you’re not given to murder or you’ve never been around murder. Uh, it’s something you’ll never forget, not should you ever forget it and you can thank the Democrats, you can thank the Senate Arms Services Committee for their hysterical hearings. You can thank John Kerry, Chuck Hagel, Biden, The New York Times, the alphabet channels and The Washington Post for this atrocity because they caused it.”

Do you remember all that brou-haha when MoveOn.org ran its “Bush in 30 Seconds” contest? And out of thousands of entries two compared Bush to Hitler?

Where, do you think, did they get the idea that conservatives were fascists or Nazis? It couldn’t be from loud-mouth conservative pundits using terms like “Untermenschen…sub-humans” could it?

Why are these lunatic idiots still on the air? Why hasn’t someone from the Republican party asked them to, you know, tone it down a little? “You’re not helpin’, dude” that sort of thing.

I’m all about First Amendment rights. As far as I’m concerned these fatheads can yawp all they want about whatever they feel like. I don’t listen to ‘em…they don’t get my consumer vote. Babble away, fatuous monkeys.

They just make my job easier, really.

I’m just surprised Rove hasn’t grabbed Limbaugh or Savage, driven him out to the desert and put two in the back of his head as an example to other pundits. “Don’t make us look stupid.”

Because you do, G.O.P. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be insulting here. But these are your most visible representatives. An unelected President who goes to war based on a lie. A Secretary of Defense who figures torture under his command isn’t something worth waking Bush from his nap. A former drug-addict loudmouth. An hysterical harpie. And a Nazi.

Is it any wonder most of the world considers Americans in general and Republicans in particular to be drooling mouth-breathers with impulse control problems?

These guys are not helping your cause. This is not making you popular. If you truly believe in the G.O.P. I don’t understand why you don’t go out and find yourself a candidate who’s smart, committed to excellence and sane.

Party loyalty is fine.

Stupidity is not.

This YAP owes a special shout-out to the Empress. Woot!

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can step up and let him know you’re no fool here.
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You’ll All Pay #19

© 2004 Joe Conat

Michigan Senate Bill No. 972.

Evil. Pure, unadulterated, undiluted EVIL!

Bad enough George W. Bush has announced his intention to promote marginalization of homosexuals in regard to marriage IN THE CONSTITUTION, but Michigan’s House has passed a bill that allows DOCTORS to refuse to treat homosexual patients and NOT BE SUED FOR IT!

The bill states: Sec. 5. (1) A health care provider may assert as a matter
of conscience an objection to providing or participating in a
health care service that conflicts with his or her sincerely held
religious or moral beliefs.

(2) A health care provider shall notify his or her employer
in writing of a conscientious objection described in subsection
(1).

(3) A health care provider may assert his or her
conscientious objection under any of the following conditions:
(a) Upon being offered employment.
(b) At the time the health care provider adopts a religious
or moral belief system that conflicts with participation in a
health care service.
(c) At any other time the health care provider considers it
necessary to assert a conscientious objection.
(d) Within 24 hours after receiving notice that he or she may
be asked or scheduled to participate in a health care service to
which he or she conscientiously objects. If the health care
provider is given less than 24 hours’ notice that he or she has
been scheduled to participate in an objectionable health care
service, the health care provider shall assert an objection,
either orally or in writing, as soon as it is practicable.

Earlier, it says:

(c) “Health care service” means the provision or withdrawal
of, or research or experimentation involving, a medical
treatment, procedure, device, medication, drug, or other
substance intended to affect the physical or mental condition of
an individual.

Okay, fine. Doctors can say, in essence (since this is what they appear to be driving at anyway) “I don’t wanna do an abortion, I find it morally wrong and you can’t sue me.”

Further it says:

Sec. 11. (1) The protections afforded to a health care
provider under this act do not apply under any of the following
circumstances:
(a) A health care provider shall not assert an objection to a
health care service if a patient’s condition, in the reasonable
medical judgment of an attending physician or medical director,
requires immediate action to prevent the death of that patient.
(b) A health care provider shall not assert an objection to
providing or participating in a health care service based on the
classification of a patient or group of patients protected under
the Elliot-Larsen civil rights act, 1976 PA 453, MCL 37.2101 to
37.2804, or based on a disease or other medical condition.
(c) A health care provider shall not make an objection known
to or in the presence of a patient who is or may be the subject
of the health care service to which the health care provider is
objecting.

So what’s the problem?

Michigan Elliott-Larsen Civil Rights Act. (excerpted)

AN ACT to define civil rights; to prohibit discriminatory practices, policies, and customs in the exercise of those rights based upon religion, race, color, national origin, age, sex, height, weight, familial status, or marital status…

What is NOT listed is “sexual orientation”.

So the doctor could, conceivably, say “I don’t wanna work on no homos and you can’t sue me” and be protected under the new law.

Let’s go over the Hippocratic Oath (modern version)

“I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.

I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.

I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.

I will not be ashamed to say “I know not,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient’s recovery.

I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.

I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.

I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.”

The Oath does not allow a doctor to make distinctions based on race, sex, religion or sexual orientation. Is that clear? Nowhere in there does it say “except for those I find repugnant, creepy or those who make me uncomfortable”. Nowhere does it say “except for those with lifestyles I approve of”.

Refusal to treat anyone based on any such grounds is unforgivably vile. These are DOCTORS, they are supposed to be apart from such considerations in the practice of their craft! Any doctor who isn’t, who refuses to treat a patient for these reasons should be punished. It’s inhumane; it’s criminal negligence; IT JUST ISN’T DONE!

Until now.

I’m a native Michigander, I am now ashamed to admit. I was born and raised there. I have it ingrained deeply into my heart that the people I was raised around are the salt of the earth…the best there is, deep down.

I used to be annoyed…occasionally incensed…at the misapprehension of Midwesterners as “backwards hicks” and yokels. “We are just as progressive and educated as anyone out there! We are no different, certainly not dumber!”

I take it back. I take it all back. With the exception of my friends and family still trapped in Bizarro Land Michigan, I must now assume that the entire state is filled with backwards yahoos with their heads jammed so far up their behinds that it would take a TEAM of (hopefully tolerant) doctors and the Jaws of Life to remove them.

To my trapped friends and family I can only say: RUN! MOVE AWAY! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

My loathing and hatred for this bill is absolute. I am so mad…so disappointed…that I can barely articulate myself.

And how will the doctors know to refuse people? How will they know a patient is “morally disagreeable” to them? They can’t, according to the Oath, act upon their knowledge of a person’s sexuality or moral character. “I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.”

So how will doctors determine what patients they will and will not treat without violating their oath? Will the legislature help them with that? Require a notation on their drivers’ licenses (”homosexual” next to “corrective lenses”)? Pink triangles pinned to their shirts? Tattoos?! How far are they going to go?

Doctors don’t get to choose. They swore it. It was a necessary part of assuming their profession. No patient is undeserving of care and compassion, no patient may be turned away. Doctors fulfill a role in society that they MUST live up to: they are impartial saviors. To fail at that, to abrogate that duty is a crime against humanity. And to make it LAW that they can…

It’s unspeakable.

It’s evil.

It’s too bad they didn’t stick with the classical version of the Hippocratic Oath, which ends:

“If I fulfil this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.”

May that last part befall the Michigan House.

You’ll all pay is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him he’s an obnoxious loudmouth here. He won’t be able to hear you over his own screaming in incoherent rage at the injustice of it all, but what the hell, right?

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You’ll All Pay #18

© 2004 Joe Conat

…or:

“Why I No Longer Watch Fox 11 L.A. Morning News”

Bob Woodward released his “tell-all” behind the scenes of the Iraq war book “Plan of Attack”. You might have heard this. It’s been all over the news. “Ooh, a BOOK!”

What hasn’t been all over the news, at least my morning news, is any sort of intensive response to the contents of the book.

I used to get up every morning to go to work and immediately click over to Fox 11 L.A. Jillian Barberie is cute and funny. Dorothy Lucey is annoying, but sometimes incoherent rage at the uselessness of that parasitic breed of “journalists” the Entertainment Reporter is better than coffee to get you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ready to kick someone’s ass. And Steve Edwards seemed a bright, stand-up guy who actually cared about truth in reporting.

Until Woodward’s book came out.

In the book Woodward alleges that President Bush shifted $700 million from the Afghanistan war to preparatory measures for a strike against Iraq…before he’d publically announced his intention to invade Iraq and apparently without Congressional approval.

In an on-air discussion with Dorothy Lucey (who knew she could read?) Mr. Edwards alluded to the other off-air reporters speculating that shifting funds in such a manner without the approval of Congress was illegal, unconstitutional or an impeachable offense.

When pressed for his opinion as a journalist, Edwards said (paraphrased) “I don’t think this is the time. We’re at war. We shouldn’t go after the leadership now.”

I find this appalling coming from a journalist. Aren’t they supposed to uncover the truth and report it to the public? If the truth has consequences, so be it. I wonder if Mr. Edwards was so vocally apathetic during Watergate? Or Iran-Contra?

But Mr. Edwards isn’t alone. In the days since the release of “Plan of Attack” Fox 11 may be the only local news broadcast I’ve heard the book even mentioned on. What is with TV journalism these days that they are such…cowards?

Well, okay. TV stations are owned by large conglomerates. These conglomerates are run by rich people who are benefitting from huge tax cuts for the rich given to them by the Bush administration. Support for Bush = mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.

And so that support filters down. “Don’t tattle on the Pres” is the watchword for Fox, owned by News Corporation, and CBS, NBC, ABC…owned respectively by Viacom, General Electric and Disney. Giant companies all, with vast media holdings that funnel lots and lots of money into their shareholders and chief officers’ pockets. Money that those shareholders and officers want to keep, not give to the federal government.

So it’s a game of “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. “You let me keep my money and I won’t let my reporters tell the world what you did.”

News to any of you, dear readers? No, probably not. One would have to be singularly naïve to think that the situation was any different.

So why am I so mad?

There are areas in life where apathy, lassitude and disinterest should be…in my opinion, have to be…anathema. Police officers, firemen and –women, paramedics…they cannot afford to be apathetic or lazy or disinterested. Society depends on their commitment. Statesmen have to be interested in the betterment of the country or…what the hell are they doing there?

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? “Who watches the watchmen?” In America it’s assumed that the average citizen watches the watchmen. We vote, we protest, we yell a lot if we think things are wrong. But your average schmoe doesn’t have the informational resources or the forum that your average journalist does. This includes everyone from the obit reporter in the Podunk Daily News to Dan Rather. Average citizens can yell…reporters can THUNDER!

There’s another saying I use a lot. “With great power comes great responsibility”. And I think the media have abrogated their responsibility. Why isn’t Ted Koppel screaming to the public about misappropriation of funds? Why isn’t Dan Rather doing intensive pieces on the misleading statements Bush made in regard to WMDs in Iraq every day? Why isn’t Larry King interviewing JEB Bush and asking him “How and when did you decide to subvert the election process and hand your brother Florida?”

We know there are lies being told at the highest levels of our government, we’ve seen them lie and yet the TV journalists are somehow not attacking the story like a pack of starving wolves. They tell us about Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson and let Internet reporters (and columnists) and stand-up comics rail against the deceit in our most esteemed offices. They’re not handing the truth to the guy on the street…they’re hoping the controversial story goes away.

I mean, I can sympathize to an extent. Everybody’s hanging on until the next paycheck. Nobody wants to tell their family “It’s ramen for dinner again tonight because Daddy couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Sorry.”

But, people…the country is at stake. We are at war, and more American soldiers die every day. We have to prepare for the inevitability of another attempted large scale terrorist attack on U.S. soil. More than ever we need clear and trustworthy leadership…not a liar who actually threatens our national security by going to war against the wrong country and creating a potential terrorist state that hates America even more than it did because we are now an oppressive occupying force.

We need honest people in charge of this country. We need people who work for the best interests of this country, not charlatans and puppets working to line their own pockets.

But can we get them out if the average voter doesn’t know they should be gotten out?

“Not now” Mr. Edwards? Then when? When will it be more important to expose the truth about the leader of the most powerful country in the world? After his second term, when he’s led the economy deeper down the well and more of the world despises us? When the morass we’ve been led into may be too deep to extricate ourselves from it? When, dammit?.

When?

You’ll all pay is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him he’s an obnoxious loudmouth here. He won’t be able to hear you over his own bellowing pontification, but what the hell, right?

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You’ll All Pay #17

© Joe Conat 2004

Well, it’s been a real interesting week or so. I’m not sure where to begin, really.

On April 8th, Condoleeza “The Alien Parrot” Rice testified before the 9/11 Commission. The main point of her testimony seemed to be a presentation (sadly, not a PowerPoint accompaniment) of Why 9/11 Is Not My Fault or Screw You, Richard Clarke.

A quick Find run over the transcript shows:

She used the phrase “silver bullet” three times. I imagine she probably meant “magic bullet” as, to my knowledge, nobody has accused Osama bin Laden of being a werewolf.

Trotted out the old adage “we have to be right 100 percent of the time, they only have to be right once”, or variations thereof, three times. So, Condi knows odds. Condi needs a new speechwriter, though, because repetition is boring and annoying.

I’ve read that reaction to Dr. Rice’s testimony is split. Pro-Bush people think she did an admirable job of defending herself and the president from horrendous and misled allegations of neglect in regard to pre-9/11 intelligence. Anti-Bush people think she came across as defensive, evasive, belligerent and spent the entire time trying to shift the blame…a sure sign of “guilt”.

I’m off to the side. I think the anti-Bush people are absolutely right while adding “Plus, she looks like a giant BUG! Dude!”

Another thing Dr. Rice could use lessons in is: conciseness.

I see her strategy. Each commissioner has ten minutes to toss questions at Condi. Every moment she eats up babbling away while not answering a question is a moment they can’t get back and can’t use to toss another hard question at her that she can’t answer. She added irrelevant and confusing “context” to every answer to swallow whole entire minutes. Like in this exchange with Commission Member Richard Ben-Veniste:

BEN-VENISTE: I want to ask you some questions about the August 6, 2001, PDB. We had been advised in writing by CIA on March 19, 2004, that the August 6 PDB was prepared and self-generated by a CIA employee. Following Director Tenet’s testimony on March 26 before us, the CIA clarified its version of events, saying that questions by the president prompted them to prepare the August 6 PDB.

Now, you have said to us in our meeting together earlier in February, that the president directed the CIA to prepare the August 6 PDB.
The extraordinary high terrorist attack threat level in the summer of 2001 is well-documented. And Richard Clarke’s testimony about the possibility of an attack against the United States homeland was repeatedly discussed from May to August within the intelligence community, and that is well-documented.
You acknowledged to us in your interview of February 7, 2004, that Richard Clarke told you that al Qaeda cells were in the United States.

(Joe here! There he’s setting up his question, which is: )

BEN-VENISTE: Did you tell the president, at any time prior to August 6, of the existence of al Qaeda cells in the United States?

(Pretty simple, right?)

RICE: First, let me just make certain…

BEN-VENISTE: If you could just answer that question, because I only have a very limited…

RICE: I understand, Commissioner, but it’s important…

BEN-VENISTE: Did you tell the president…

RICE: … that I also address…It’s also important that, Commissioner, that I address the other issues that you have raised. So I will do it quickly, but if you’ll just give me a moment.

BEN-VENISTE: Well, my only question to you is whether you…

RICE: I understand, Commissioner, but I will…

BEN-VENISTE: … told the president.

RICE: If you’ll just give me a moment, I will address fully the questions that you’ve asked. First of all, yes, the August 6 PDB was in response to questions of the president — and that since he asked that this be done. It was not a particular threat report. And there was historical information in there about various aspects of al Qaeda’s operations. Dick Clarke had told me, I think in a memorandum — I remember it as being only a line or two — that there were al Qaeda cells in the United States.
Now, the question is, what did we need to do about that?
And I also understood that that was what the FBI was doing, that the FBI was pursuing these al Qaeda cells. I believe in the August 6 memorandum it says that there were 70 full field investigations under way of these cells. And so there was no recommendation that we do something about this; the FBI was pursuing it. I really don’t remember, Commissioner, whether I discussed this with the president.

(So the answer is: “I don’t know”.)

But with the arguing and the qualification and the blahdeeblah to get to “I don’t know” while trying to mask the fact that she didn’t know…two or three of Ben-Veniste’s ten minutes are gone. Phew. Good work, Condi, dodged a real “silver bullet” there.

Another classic exchange:

BEN-VENISTE: Isn’t it a fact, Dr. Rice, that the August 6 PDB warned against possible attacks in this country? And I ask you whether you recall the title of that PDB?

RICE: I believe the title was, “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” Now, the…

BEN-VENISTE: Thank you.

RICE: No, Mr. Ben-Veniste…

BEN-VENISTE: I will get into the…

RICE: I would like to finish my point here.

BEN-VENISTE: I didn’t know there was a point.

RICE: Given that — you asked me whether or not it warned of attacks.

(To be fair…Dr. Rice is correct. Ben-Veniste did ask that, as evidenced above)

BEN-VENISTE: I asked you what the title was.

RICE: You said, did it not warn of attacks. It did not warn of attacks inside the United States. It was historical information based on old reporting. There was no new threat information. And it did not, in fact, warn of any coming attacks inside the United States.

(And yet…)

Bob Kerrey, Commision Member: …In the spirit of further declassification, this is what the August 6 memo said to the president: that the FBI indicates patterns of suspicious activity in the United States consistent with preparations for hijacking.
That’s the language of the memo that was briefed to the president on the 6 of August.

(So…the Aug. 6 PDB did warn of hijacking? Looks like, don’t it?)

RICE: And that was checked out and steps were taken through FAA circulars to warn of hijackings. But when you cannot tell people where a hijacking might occur, under what circumstances — I can tell you that I think the best antidote to what happened in that regard would have been many years before to think about what you could do for instance to harden cockpits. That would have made a difference. We weren’t going to harden cockpits in the three months that we had a threat spike. The really difficult thing for all of us, and I’m sure for those who came before us as well as for those of us who are here, is that the structural and systematic changes that needed to be made — not on July 5th or not on June 25th or not on January 1st — those structures and those changes needed to be made a long time ago so that the country was in fact hardened against the kind of threat that we faced on September 11.
The problem was that for a country that had not been attacked on its territory in a major way in almost 200 years…

(…or, say 60 years. Pearl Harbor, anyone? Not just a movie.
Granted, Hawai’i was not a state at that time…and yet, still our territory. In 1941 Hawai’i was an annex of the United States and the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was considered an attack on U.S. soil within the United States.
Isn’t she supposed to be an historian?)

RICE:…there were a lot of structural impediments to those kinds of attacks.
Those changes should have been made over a long period of time. I fully agree with you that, in hindsight, now looking back, there are many things structurally that were out of kilter. And one reason that we’re here is to look at what was out of kilter structurally, to look at needed to be done, to look at what we already have done, and to see what more we need to do.
But I think it is really quite unfair to suggest that something that was a threat spike in June or July gave you the kind of opportunity to make the changes in air security that could have been — that needed to be made.

(What with the who now?)

Let me get this straight…the President has, by his own request, a PDB entitled “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” In that PDB there is specific mention “that the FBI indicates patterns of suspicious activity in the United States consistent with preparations for hijacking.”

Now I’ll grant you that that doesn’t spell out “On September 11, y’all in New York City better watch out”, but it does indicate something was up. Al Qaeda…planes…determined to attack…

Maybe they couldn’t have stopped 9/11.

But maybe they could have.

In other news, the President gave one of his rare and exciting press conferences.
Oddly, the mass reaction seemed to be more about the tie than about Bush’s outrageous prevarication and question-dodging.

The tie, a blue affair with small white dots, made a moire pattern on TV screens which caused it to appear to move independently and to float off the screen.

“Move independently”. That’s something W. can’t seem to do…move independently of Cheney.

It’s not surprising that the reaction to Bush’s press conference is muted. Aside from the Magical Dancing Tie, nothing was said. That’s not a typo…it’s not that “nothing earth-shattering was said”. Nothing. Was. Said. It was the Magical Dancing Around the Question President that we’ve all come to know and…know and his constant evasion is so routine and expected by now that it’s boring.

You would have seen a crapload of headlines had something else happened. Imagine, slapped across the New York Times the next day:
”President Says Something Useful!”
or:
“Bush Coherent!”
“President Actually Manages to String Words Together into Sentence That is Relevant to Question Asked!”

Instead Bush again decided to repeatedly pimp-slap the American people in the mouth during his press conference.

From the www.whitehouse.gov transcript:

Q Thank you, Mr. President. To move to the 9/11 Commission. You, yourself, have acknowledged that Osama bin Laden was not a central focus of the administration in the months before September 11th. “I was not on point,” you told the journalist, Bob Woodward, “I didn’t feel that sense of urgency.” Two-and-a-half years later, do you feel any sense of personal responsibility for September 11th?

THE PRESIDENT: Let me put that quote to Woodward in context.

(Ah! Now we see where Condi gets it!)

He had asked me if I was — something about killing bin Laden. That’s what the question was. And I said, compared to how I felt at the time, after the attack, I didn’t have that — I also went on to say, my blood wasn’t boiling, I think is what the quote said. I didn’t see — I mean, I didn’t have that great sense of outrage that I felt on September the 11th. I was — on that day I was angry and sad: angry that al Qaeda had — well, at the time, thought al Qaeda, found out shortly thereafter it was al Qaeda — had unleashed this attack; sad for those who lost their life.

Your question — do I feel –

Q Do you feel a sense of personal responsibility for September 11th?

THE PRESIDENT: I feel incredibly grieved when I meet with family members, and I do quite frequently. I grieve for the incredible loss of life that they feel, the emptiness they feel.
There are some things I wish we’d have done when I look back. I mean, hindsight is easy. It’s easy for a President to stand up and say, now that I know what happened, it would have been nice if there were certain things in place; for example, a homeland security department. And why I — I say that because it’s — that provides the ability for our agencies to coordinate better and to work together better than it was before.
I think the hearings will show that the Patriot Act is an important change in the law that will allow the FBI and the CIA to better share information together. We were kind of stove-piped, I guess is a way to describe it. There was kind of — departments that at times didn’t communicate, because of law, in the FBI’s case.
And the other thing I look back on and realize is that we weren’t on a war footing. The country was not on a war footing, and yet the enemy was at war with us. And it’s — it didn’t take me long to put us on a war footing. And we’ve been on war ever since. The lessons of 9/11 that I — one lesson was, we must deal with gathering threats. And that’s part of the reason I dealt with Iraq the way I did.
The other lesson is, is that this country must go on the offense and stay on the offense. In order to secure the country, we must do everything in our power to find these killers and bring them to justice, before they hurt us again. I’m afraid they want to hurt us again. They’re still there.
They can be right one time; we’ve got to be right a hundred percent of the time in order to protect the country.

(And more evidence that Condi is Bush’s “love child”.)

It’s a mighty task. But our government has changed since the 9/11 attacks. We’re better equipped to respond; we’re better at sharing intelligence. But we’ve still got a lot of work to do.

Dave.

(And we’ve moved on.)

Essentially it boils down to “No, but I can’t say that, so I’ll ramble on. Eventually, they will fall asleep and I can go back to reading the funnies.”

Q Mr. President, I’d like to follow up on a couple of these questions that have been asked. One of the biggest criticisms of you is that whether it’s WMD in Iraq, postwar planning in Iraq, or even the question of whether this administration did enough to ward off 9/11, you never admit a mistake. Is that a fair criticism? And do you believe there were any errors in judgment that you made related to any of those topics I brought up?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I think, as I mentioned, it’s — the country wasn’t on war footing, and yet we’re at war. And that’s just a reality, Dave. I mean, that’s — that was the situation that existed prior to 9/11, because the truth of the matter is, most in the country never felt that we’d be vulnerable to an attack such as the one that Osama bin Laden unleashed on us. We knew he had designs on us, we knew he hated us. But there was a — nobody in our government, at least, and I don’t think the prior government, could envision flying airplanes into buildings on such a massive scale.
The people know where I stand. I mean, in terms of Iraq, I was very clear about what I believed. And, of course, I want to know why we haven’t found a weapon yet. But I still know Saddam Hussein was a threat, and the world is better off without Saddam Hussein. I don’t think anybody can — maybe people can argue that. I know the Iraqi people don’t believe that, that they’re better off with Saddam Hussein — would be better off with Saddam Hussein in power. I also know that there’s an historic opportunity here to change the world. And it’s very important for the loved ones of our troops to understand that the mission is an important, vital mission for the security of America and for the ability to change the world for the better.

Let’s see — Ed.

(So not what the dude asked.)

“Do you feel that people saying ‘Bush never admits when he makes a mistake’ is a fair thing for them to say?”

“Blah blah blah war-footing blah blah blah Hussein blah blah blah WMD blah blah blah cookies.”

Leader of the Free World, kids.

Q Thank you, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, a former counterterrorism official at the NSC, Richard Clarke, offered an unequivocal apology to the American people for failing them prior to 9/11. Do you believe the American people deserve a similar apology from you, and would you be prepared to give them one?

THE PRESIDENT: Look, I can understand why people in my administration anguished over the fact that people lost their life. I feel the same way. I mean, I’m sick when I think about the death that took place on that day. And as I mentioned, I’ve met with a lot of family members and I do the best I do to console them about the loss of their loved one. As I mentioned, I oftentimes think about what I could have done differently. I can assure the American people that had we had any inkling that this was going to happen, we would have done everything in our power to stop the attack.
Here’s what I feel about that. The person responsible for the attacks was Osama bin Laden. That’s who’s responsible for killing Americans. And that’s why we will stay on the offense until we bring people to justice.
John.

“Do you owe the American people a (token) apology for not preventing 9/11?”

“Pfft. No. Blah blah blah cookies.”

At least he didn’t talk about “silver bullets”. Or “garlic” or “holy water” for that matter.

Did we expect better of the man? No. Should we expect better of the man? This man? No.

Should we expect better of the President of the United States of America?

Hell yeah.

This man obviously doesn’t feel the need to answer to the people he claim put him there. Sure, Cheney and JEB Bush and his daddy are the ones who actually put him in the White House, but if he’d like to truly cement the image that, no, he was elected then he may as well play along and pretend to listen to us. He doesn’t even do that. He doesn’t listen to anything. There’s a magical tune playing in the echoing chambers of his empty head and that magical tune is “I’m the bestest in the whole wide world I deserve some candy”.

Presidential material? No, not in my opinion. He might do well with a local kids’ show, however.

“Busho the Clown! Heya heya heya kids…wanna see your future Social Security disappear?” “YYYAAAYYYY!!!!”

This YAP is late because…what the hell? I’m bored. Same old crap. “Bush lied, he’s an idiot, Condoleeza Rice probably lied, she’s funny lookin’ blah dee blah blah blah cookies.”

Mmm. Cookies….

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to fry in the lowest bowels of Hell here. He won’t listen, but there’s always hope, right? Clap your hands, children, believe believe…

You’ll All Pay #16

© 2004 Joe Conat

On March 25th the Senate was busy as beavers. They moved to (but as yet have not passed) recognize President Ronald Reagan’s 93rd birthday. (Little late, guys? It was in February.) They moved (but again, have not passed) a House Resolution to designate a post office in Stuttgart, Arkansas the “Lloyd L. Burke Post Office”.

What else?

Oh, they passed yet another resolution in their bizarre efforts to further criminalize abortion.

H.R. 1997 a.k.a. the “Unborn Victims of Violence Act of 2003” or “Laci and Conner’s Law”, after well-reported murder victim Laci Peterson and her unborn son, passed the Senate with a vote of 61-38.

The act states:

`(a)(1) Whoever engages in conduct that violates any of the provisions of law listed in subsection (b) and thereby causes the death of, or bodily injury (as defined in section 1365) to, a child, who is in utero at the time the conduct takes place, is guilty of a separate offense under this section.
`(2)(A) Except as otherwise provided in this paragraph, the punishment for that separate offense is the same as the punishment provided under Federal law for that conduct had that injury or death occurred to the unborn child’s mother.
`(B) An offense under this section does not require proof that–
`(i) the person engaging in the conduct had knowledge or should have had knowledge that the victim of the underlying offense was pregnant; or
`(ii) the defendant intended to cause the death of, or bodily injury to, the unborn child.
`(C) If the person engaging in the conduct thereby intentionally kills or attempts to kill the unborn child, that person shall instead of being punished under subparagraph (A), be punished as provided under sections 1111, 1112, and 1113 of this title for intentionally killing or attempting to kill a human being.

More disturbing, it states:

`(d) As used in this section, the term `unborn child’ means a child in utero, and the term `child in utero’ or `child, who is in utero’ means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb.’.

Now, granted, the act specifically backs away from the issue of abortion as it stands.

`(c) Nothing in this section shall be construed to permit the prosecution–
`(1) of any person for conduct relating to an abortion for which the consent of the pregnant woman, or a person authorized by law to act on her behalf, has been obtained or for which such consent is implied by law;
`(2) of any person for any medical treatment of the pregnant woman or her unborn child; or
`(3) of any woman with respect to her unborn child.

But that’s assuming Roe v. Wade weathers the crapstorm being thrown at it and isn’t overturned. If it is, and abortion becomes a federal crime, well…it could be construed that this act allows the prosecution of the doctor and possibly the mother of the unborn child for murder.

Murder.

“We respect LIFE above all things!” the administration cries. “LIFE of the unborn child!”

But not the life of the mother. Certainly not the quality of the life of the mother. So far as I know there has been no effort to legally mitigate the terms of the recent spate of anti-abortion regulations being proposed. Are there provisions for “If the mother and/or child will die if the child is brought to term”? Or “if the unborn child is the product of incest or rape”? There was a big tussle over those issues a while ago, but I haven’t heard anything lately. And, given the complete lack of fanfare that allowed “Laci and Conner’s Law” to slip past us, are we sure that they haven’t already addressed that issue in the negative?

“We respect LIFE!”

But not privacy.

In a show of what I can only assume is cowardice, a Manhattan federal judge ordered New York-Presbyterian Hospital to accede to the demands of Attorney General Ashcroft and hand over the privileged medical documents related to partial-birth abortions he subpoenaed. Another stalwart and brave judicial bench-holder order the University of Michigan Health System to hand their records over as well.

While the government claims that it needs the records to determine whether partial-birth abortions are ever medically necessary and defend itself against a lawsuit to strike down the Partial-Birth Abortion Act, it feels like intimidation from on high. Doctors, it seems, can’t be trusted to make those decisions themselves, and the women who had this procedure must now have their names read to the government. Privacy, we have been assured, will be protected; there’s no reason to release the patients’ names or information to the public. There will be no leaks.

Tell that to Valerie Plame.

“We respect LIFE! So long as you live it OUR WAY!”

To further show their respect for life…especially lived “our way”…the U.S. is maneuvering to stay in Iraq another year and a half, at least.

June 30th is the deadline for the Iraqi people to have their provisional government in place. It has been widely assumed that after June 30th the security of Iraq would revert to the Iraqis, and just maybe our troops could stop getting slaughtered by rocket-propelled grenades as they drove down the road. But suddenly, we don’t think so…it’s being argued that U.N. Resolution 1511 (requires Adobe Acrobat Reader) doesn’t really mean what it’s been assumed it means.

The resolution says:

13. Determines that the provision of security and stability is essential to the
successful completion of the political process as outlined in paragraph 7 above and
to the ability of the United Nations to contribute effectively to that process and the
implementation of resolution 1483 (2003), and authorizes a multinational force
under unified command to take all necessary measures to contribute to the
maintenance of security and stability in Iraq, including for the purpose of ensuring
necessary conditions for the implementation of the timetable and programme as well
as to contribute to the security of the United Nations Assistance Mission for Iraq,
the Governing Council of Iraq and other institutions of the Iraqi interim
administration, and key humanitarian and economic infrastructure;

14. Urges Member States to contribute assistance under this United Nations
mandate, including military forces, to the multinational force referred to in
paragraph 13 above;

15. Decides that the Council shall review the requirements and mission of the
multinational force referred to in paragraph 13 above not later than one year from
the date of this resolution, and that in any case the mandate of the force shall expire upon the completion of the political process as described in paragraphs 4 through 7 and 10 above, and expresses readiness to consider on that occasion any future need for the continuation of the multinational force, taking into account the views of an internationally recognized, representative government of Iraq; (bold emphasis added)

What do the cited paragraphs say?

4. Determines that the Governing Council and its ministers are the principal
bodies of the Iraqi interim administration, which, without prejudice to its further
evolution, embodies the sovereignty of the State of Iraq during the transitional
period until an internationally recognized, representative government is established and assumes the responsibilities of the [Coalition Provisional] Authority; (bold emphasis added again)

5. Affirms that the administration of Iraq will be progressively undertaken
by the evolving structures of the Iraqi interim administration;

6. Calls upon the Authority, in this context, to return governing responsibilities and authorities to the people of Iraq as soon as practicable and requests the Authority, in cooperation as appropriate with the Governing Council and the Secretary-General, to report to the Council on the progress being made;

7. Invites the Governing Council to provide to the Security Council, for its
review, no later than 15 December 2003, in cooperation with the Authority and, as
circumstances permit, the Special Representative of the Secretary-General, a
timetable and a programme for the drafting of a new constitution for Iraq and for the holding of democratic elections under that constitution;

These seem to state that the Iraqi Governing Council is in charge and represents the “sovereignty of the State of Iraq” until they come up with a more formal government and that once the Governing Council has established their government, the Coalition Provisional Authority hands the keys to them.

(Paragraph 10, cited above, refers to the U.N. lending its expertise on government forming when the Iraqis hold their constitutional conference.)

The argument boils down to this: Iraqis believe the authority of coalition forces expires on the return of sovereignty, slated for June 30th. The U.S. believes that the authority of coalition forces expires “upon the completion of the political process”, which they say is when the full Iraqi Government officially takes office…something which, in practical terms, probably can’t happen until January 2006.

To emphasize their assurance that this is, indeed, the case, L. Paul Bremer III, chief of the occupation authority, issued an executive order placing the new Iraqi armed forces under the operational control of Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, head of American and allied forces in Iraq. “All trained elements of the Iraqi armed forces shall at all times be under the operational control of the commander of coalition forces for the purpose of conducting combined operations,” it read in part.

It’s like we’re saying “Neat, you have your constitution and your country, but we have your Army.”

To us this means our men and women are not coming home anytime soon and will in all likelihood face the same hostility and attacks they are now facing for another 18 months past when we and they thought it was all gonna be over. For the Iraqis it means they are still an occupied country, government or no.

Ultimately, it means more people on both sides are going to die.

“We respect LIFE! We just don’t want to SAVE it!”

The president’s position on embryonic stem-cell research is clear. No. That’s it. Just…no. He doesn’t like it, he won’t fund it.

Scientists claim that they are ten years…TEN YEARS…from possibly curing Alzheimer’s Disease. Parkinson’s Disease. Muscular dystrophy, cystic fibrosis, diabetes…the list goes on.

TEN. YEARS.

But they are hampered by restrictions on embryonic stem-cell research. On August 9, 2001, claiming to know the will of God, Bush announced his plan in regard to stem-cell research. No federal money would go into research involving embryos destroyed after that date. He claimed that with the already harvested cells on hand, scientists had more than 60 genetically diverse stem cell lines to play with.

But he was wrong. Of those 60 only a handful are any good. Right now about 15 genetic lines are available for research under federal guidelines.

In the meantime scientists from overseas and privately-funded scientists are making massive strides in stem-cell research. Which means other governments and private corporations will control the fruits of that research.

You think prescription drugs are expensive? Try paying for a line of therapy designed to cure muscular dystrophy using genetically modified cells. It’s a guarantee that that won’t be covered by your insurance and the government will not, under George W. “Moses” Bush, support it.

And how many will die untreated and in pain?

“We respect LIFE! Until it’s funny!”

But to truly show the respect that our administration, and particularly President Bush has for life, let’s turn to his presentation at the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association’s 60th annual dinner.

Traditionally the Association invites presidents and politicians to speak at the dinner and make deprecating jokes about themselves. Wednesday, Bush showed a slide show presentation that included a picture of him looking unde his desk in the Oval Office with his commentary “Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!” Another had him peering out a window while he said “Nope…no WMDs over here, either!”

Har. Har. Har.

Nearly 600 U.S. troops have died in Iraq. 450 of those were after Bush declared the “end of combat” on May 1, 2003. Our primary reasoning for going to war was the finding and destruction of Iraq’s WMDs and WMD manufacturing programs.

We haven’t found them.

Real friggin’ funny, Bush.

Please, let’s make light of the fact that 600 American men and women won’t be coming home to their families and friends because of an ill-considered invasion based on entirely false premises. Let’s yuk it up at the expense of those who have suffered the most for what is arguably the least.

Are you havin’ fun, Mr. President?

“We respect life.”

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to shut up here. He won’t listen, but what the hell right?

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You’ll All Pay #15

© Joe Conat 2004

I decided at the time not to jump on the Janet Jackson “BOOBIE! AAAIEEEE!!” train. It was a dumb issue and I wanted it to go the hell away.

But these days, with the phrase “post-Janet-Jackson” being flung about even more than the phrase “post-9/11”, I think it’s time to acknowledge the completely friggin’ ludicrousness of the whole thing.

Look, I swear. I swear like a longshoreman. I swear like an aircraft carrier full of sailors who all just hit their thumbs with hammers simultaneously. Yes, even the admiral. I curse long and fluently and as creatively as possible. Invective is my canvas, crudeness my paint, yadda yadda.

If you look back on my earlier You’ll All Pays you’ll see some strong language. I was advised that perhaps what I had to say would reach a wider audience if I refrained from such blue verbiage.

Right now I just want to say…something the FCC evidently won’t let me say…to that.

Why do I bring up the FCC? I mean, this is on the Internet, so far not controlled or patrolled by the FCC and not bound by their definitions of decency. Just check your Junk E-mail box, you don’t believe me.

Why? Because of National Public Radio.

I must admit I’d never heard of Sandra Tsing Loh until recently. I may’ve caught her “The Loh Life” commentaries on NPR once or twice and never registered the author. I listen to NPR for news, baby, grist for my mill, and really could give a rat’s behind about most of their commentators. They are, for the most part, useless breathy neo-hippies, the ultimate hybrid between love-child yearning for peace and ecological eden and yuppie sell-out pretension whores. Commentator? my brain notes, and tunes out, waiting to hear what’s really going on in the world.

So I didn’t catch it when Ms. Loh let the dreaded “F-word” slip into her commentary one morning.

As the story goes, Loh’s pre-recorded segment included that perfect word, my very personal favorite word. Loh launched an F-bomb with the intent it would be bleeped before it aired. Her engineer screwed up, the bleeping didn’t happen and the piece aired once or twice before management caught it. In a typically fair and balanced response they immediately fired Ms. Loh.

No reprimand, no warning. They fired her.

Now, the FCC wasn’t even involved. You may know that the FCC is proposing to increase the statutory maximum fine for indecent or obscene broadcast from $27,500 per incident to “ten-fold” that amount, according to a letter (requires Adobe Reader) to the National Association of Broadcasters from FCC Chairman Michael Powell. H.R. 3717, the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act, allowing just this, has been passed by Congress. $275,000 per station per incident (some people say it might even go up to half a million bucks per) so’s little Scout and Kimberly can’t hear on the radio what they no doubt hear four and a half dozen times on the playground and from their parents.

But in this case, NPR member-station KCRW, from which station Loh was fired, received no complaint from the FCC, no warning. It appears to be an hysterical over-reaction, a pre-emptive termination to avoid repercussion from soft-bellied liberal soccer moms who barely remember when that particular word was probably every third word they uttered in college.

I don’t understand the New Puritanism that’s sweeping the country and terrorizing the media. So we saw a boob…one of the first things most of us saw upon birth was a boob, and we were sure as hell happy to see it then. (And, lemme tell ya, at the Super Bowl party I was at, you didn’t hear anyone exclaiming in shock and scandalized horror. Hell no! Even the women were drunkenly howling “YeeeeeHAW! Titty!”) Howard Stern has been a foul-mouthed ass for years, why is it now that Clear Channel decided to cut him from all those stations? Did it really take the FCC two and a half years to decide that “Bubba the Love Sponge”s segments were indecent and offensive, or was the timing right to hit Clear Channel with three quarters of a million bucks worth of fines?

This is all namby-pamby crap. In a time with real issues…thieves and liars in control of the government, federal marginalization of the citizenry, a deficit so far down the toilet the Roto-Rooter guy’s goin’ “Yeah, I’m gonna need the really big snake”…in a time where American soldiers are dying daily in faraway lands…do we really give a crap about the occasional slip of the tongue or outre behavior on the radio?

Vote with your dial, people! Something offends you, turn the effin’ channel already! These things thrive with attention. You want to prove you’re above it? Don’t scream and cry that somebody got scatological during drive-time. Change the station.

And station and network owners…lighten the hell up. You got a few complaints. Apologize and move on with your lives. Demanding multiple apologies from Janet Jackson, shutting down Howard Stern, kicking Sandra Loh off the air…it’s stupid and doesn’t solve the problem. The problem isn’t that “nobody wants to hear/see that stuff”. The problem is that people do want to see and hear that stuff. Have you checked the figures for the porn industry? Billions! The problem is they do want to see that stuff, but they’re embarrassed to admit it.

NPR eventually offered Sandra Tsing Loh her job back, after enough public outcry. Ms. Loh refused. I don’t blame her. I mean, aside from KCRW General Manager Ruth Seymour’s reported exhortation that Loh “get some help”, plus telling the L.A. Times (in reference to Loh’s firing) “We really are serious with her, that with such a trivial, self-serving piece, she put us all in danger.”…have you ever heard Seymour speak during their pledge drives? Yo, Ruth…wipe your mouth, I can hear the spit. Better off, don’t talk. Most annoying voice on radio. Don’t try to extemporize, you don’t have the wit for it. If I’d had the money, I’d’ve pledged $10,000 if you promised never to talk ever again.

Okay, that last part was mean and off-topic. But, damn…I HATE pledge time for KCRW! I mean her voice drives me friggin’ nuts! If I had to work with that, I’d curse too.

And America would fear me for it. Fear me! SHIVER BEFORE THE F-BOMB! QUAIL BEFORE THE BOOBIE!

[bleep]in’ wusses.

You’ll All Pay is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to shut up here. He won’t listen, but what the hell right?

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You’ll All Pay #13

© Joe Conat 2004

The earth is round. We all agree on this, right? If a ship’s coming at you from over the horizon, you see its mast first, then the rest is slowly exposed as the ship draws nearer. This strongly indicates a curvature. Like on a globe. Right? RIGHT?!

The earth rotates around the sun, not vice versa. Right?

The President of the United States of America may not be too sure about that.

Okay, that’s mildly unfair. I’m sure the frat boy in the Oval Office is passingly aware of knowledge that’s been around for hundreds of years. He accepts it like he accepts the sky is blue, that water is wet, that he stole the 2000 election. As fact.

We can’t count on him accepting much more than that, scientifically speaking.

Like the Inquisition, Bush seems dead set on stifling scientific information that doesn’t agree with or contradicts his worldview, no matter how compelling that information may be.

From revised EPA reports on the breathability of Manhattan’s air following the 9/11 attacks, to the effects of Arctic drilling on caribou populations and on to reproductive health issues the Bush administration has repeatedly altered data, stacked its committees with industry-biased or ideologically biased “experts”, or flat out denied or removed scientific advisors.

Why? To line pockets, naturally.

This tendency has far-reaching implications. Beyond the threat to the environment, Bush’s policy of denial endangers human lives.

Take Kentucky. In October 2000 300-million tons of coal slurry broke from its containment, choking and poisoning 100 miles of rivers and creeks and, incidentally, fouling the drinking water for seventeen communities. To date no one has died, but a lot of people got sick from drinking the contaminated water.

This slurry was a by-product of mountaintop strip mining, a “cost effective” procedure for coal mining companies because it requires less human labor and increases profits. A federal team of geodesic engineers was appointed to investigate the causes of the spill.

In January 2001 George W. Bush was inaugurated. That very day the head of the team of investigators was fired. More firings followed. Replacements for the now-unemployed investigators overwhelmingly came from…can you guess? The coal industry.

The new team eventually signed off on a diluted report that protected the safety and viability of mountaintop mining. The directives set forth by the report all seem to focus on “prompt and thorough review” of slurry containment plans and “streamlining safety directives”. There will also be a new handbook. In other words, let’s make the the paperwork a bit harsher.

Let’s not talk about not finding new and safer ways to mine coal. That would cost money.

Directly after 9/11 the EPA issued a series of press releases assuring Manhattanites that the air they breathed contained low or no amount of asbestos dust. This, it turns out, was a lie. More than 25% of the samples collected by the EPA during the period between Sept. 13, 2001 and Sept. 18, 2001 contained more than 1% asbestos, the safety benchmark for air quality. Other studies by the University of California, Davis showed “extremely high amounts” of airborne particulates. The health impact of these particulates can be long term, especially the very fine particulates which are carried away from the lungs by the bloodstream.

In August 2003 the EPA’s Inspector General Office released a report stating that “when EPA made a September 18 announcement that the air was “safe” to breathe, it did not have sufficient data and analyses to make such a blanket statement…Furthermore, The White House Council on Environmental Quality influenced, through the collaboration process, the information that EPA communicated to the public through its early press releases when it convinced EPA to add reassuring statements and delete cautionary ones.”

Breathe deep the gathering gloom, my friends.

In response to this ongoing policy of fabrication, denial and suppression, the Union of Concerned Scientists released their “Scientific Integrity in Policymaking: An Investigation into the Bush Administration’s Misuse of Science”. This group includes Nobel-laureates, scientific leaders and is, by the way, bi-partisan.

The White House’s response was that the scientists’ expression of concern was a “conspiracy report”.

And, of course, there were the multiple inspectors who repeatedly told the White House they could not…could NOT…find any weapons of mass destruction, nor the means to manufacture them.

Why are we surprised, really? In an administration where the Education Secretary calls teachers “terrorists”, are we really all that shocked that the norm in Bush’s White House is a fear of intelligentsia and a hearkening for ignorance at the expense of all but the super-rich? Is it any shock that scientific data that would cast aspersions on Halliburton for its ground-water poisoning hydraulic fracture oil and gas extraction processes is suppressed or ridiculed? Not when Halliburton’s former chief is Vice President and Halliburton kicks $58 million bucks to the GOP, no.

The upshot of all this is that George W. Bush is selling your health and safety to the highest bidders and doesn’t want you to know about it. He doesn’t want anybody to know about it and when confronted with that information he mulishly shakes his head and juts out his lower lip and says “Uh-uh!” like a four-year-old child. It’s a game of “I’m rubber and you’re glue” and that, folks, is the Commander in Chief of the most powerful military force in history. Looking at it that way, I’m surprised he didn’t issue a statement directed at Osama bin Laden on September 12, 2001 saying “Missed me! Uh-uh! Missed! Did too! Missed me!” so complete is his delusion and denial.

I was reminded last night of the probably apocryphal story of Galileo. Forced to recant his statement that the Earth revolved around the Sun and not vice versa, he was sentenced to a life under house arrest . Rising from his knees after hearing the Inquisition’s proclamation he is said to have muttered “Eppur si muove.” “But still it moves.”

I love that story. Having been slapped in the face by dogmatic denial of fact, having accepted their authority over his life, there was still a spark of integrity in the man that forced him to recant his recantation, though nobody heard.

We can’t afford to mutter. We must shout our “Eppur si muove” loudly and over and over again, screaming into the face of smug ignorance until its moronic blathering is drowned out. We have to force Bush to face the facts and act in accordance with them.

The Earth moves around the Sun. Mountaintop mining needs better safety regulation; in fact the process should be reviewed for viability entirely. The air in Manhattan was not safe to breathe after 9/11.

Listen to the facts.

But still it moves.

“You’ll All Pay” is written by Joe Conat. You can tell him to shut up here. He won’t listen, but what the hell, right?

You’ll All Pay #12

© Joe Conat 2004

People fight wars. People lose jobs. People get diseases and die.

People have sex.

George W. Bush does not care about the first three types of people.

He only cares that you don’t whoopie before you wed.

2005 looks to be a bull year for mis-informative faith-based abstinence-only sexual education. Rather than give money to veterans, the needy, Medicare or people with HIV who need drugs, Bush is doubling the budget for programs that teach teenagers that sex KILLS! It kills you DEAD! And makes you CRAZY! Fear your genitals!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that teens should start boinking like hormone-crazed lemurs right this second. Everybody with half a brain knows its better for them to wait. Abstinence should absolutely be presented as an option.

But, you know…present it honestly, would ya? I mean, you know…isn’t that the duty of educators? To teach? Honestly?

The programs that benefit from Bush’s generosity are “abstinence-only” education programs. Some of these programs are so heavy handed in their presentation of this one option that they distort or make up scientific data.

“Condoms do not reduce the chance that you will catch HIV or another STD.” No, really, they try to tell your kids that. “Pre-marital sex causes psychological dysfunction”. The hysterical tone is reminiscent of “Reefer Madness” and other “moral lesson” films of a less informed time. “Let a girl touch your winkie and you will become a werewolf!”

The truly disturbing thing is that the programs are prohibited by law from presenting any other view. If they accept that grant money…and there’s not a whole lot of grant money for them to accept otherwise…they’ve got to present that view, only that view and no alternatives at all. Ever.

What does that mean for your child?

Well, the abstinence-only groups crow, studies have shown that children taught abstinence-only sex ed tend to have sex later in life than peers who were taught sex ed that included contraceptive options. Woohoo, they cry. Look at us!

What they don’t tell you is that those kids who had sex later in life were a third less likely to use contraceptives at all. Plus “later” was a year and a half, average. Result? Higher teen pregnancy, higher incidence of STDs.

Does this seem ridiculous to you?

It’s like taking a child hunting and saying “don’t touch…and to make sure you don’t, I won’t teach you anything about gun safety”. Then just step away, wait for the boom and the tragedy.

The Bush administration has gone so far in shoving this agenda down our throats that they alter data from the CDC and other scientific government institutions. They remove references to viable and effective comprehensive sex ed classes and take down any information on the use and effectiveness of condoms. Gone are the days when teens snickered embarrassedly at the teacher jamming a rubber on a banana. Gone is the mortified purchasing of condoms at the corner Rite-Aid along with products randomly grabbed off the shelves (such as a pack of gum, tube socks and some duct tape) in an attempt to camouflage the condom purchase. In their place is the heady atmosphere of the 1950’s where kids would get too excited in the back of their dads’ cars, go for broke without protection and Sally would get sent away to “Aunt Petunia’s” for a “nervous condition” which lasted approximately nine months. Ah, the Golden Age.

Why not take this lax attitude in education further? Why not tell them they will never really need addition, that math does, in fact, lead to headaches and a tendency to cannibalism. Tell them history will make them weak and pallid with hair growing on their palms. Tell them science will make them nerds and may cause them to be homosexual later in life. Why not raise a generation of halfwits and ignoramuses to march sluggishly into the future with vapid expressions of befuddlement on their faces?

Oh, right. “No Child Left Behind.”

Quick quiz for us oldsters who managed to squeeze an education out of the system: Which state has the highest teen pregnancy rate?

If you answered “Texas”, you get a gold star.

If you answered “I dunno” and proceeded to pick your nose and wipe it on your sleeve congratulations on your federally-funded public school education.

(And before you send me hate e-mail, I am a product of that self-same system. Yes, there are good schools and so forth. Indulge my cynicism.)

Why does Texas have the highest teen pregnancy rate? Because their governor…George W. Bush…pushed these factually distortive, useless and ineffective programs on his state. And didn’t, it seems, look at the results and say “Golly, maybe I should re-think this before I take it to a national level.” Instead he practiced saying “Mission Accomplished”.

Who gets the $270 million slated for 2005’s “don’t touch it” educational programs?

Often it’s self-described “Christian” and “pro-life” groups like Metro Atlanta Youth for Christ (which used it’s honking $300, 000 to hire “abstinence educators” who aren’t even credentialed in public health issues…but they are required to be Christian) and Bethany Christian Services a/k/a Bethany Crisis Pregnancy Services which proudly proclaims itself a non-profit “pro-life Christian adoption and family services agency”.

Now, these may be very nice organizations that help scads of people in “a family way” or seeking help on sexual issues. They may have dedicated workers who earnestly try to help kids and families through rough times and whatnot.

But the money is going only to them and groups like them. No Jewish or Muslim groups. No comprehensive sex ed programs. Just Christian “sex is icky” groups.

Abstinence is a great option for sex ed, it really is. The safest way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and possibly deadly diseases is abstinence. It’s the old adage “What’s the safest way to keep from getting bitten by a shark? Don’t go in the water.”

But it’s unrealistic and it leaves our nation’s teens in a frighteningly vulnerable position. It’s tossing them naked and unprepared into the jungle. It’s sending them mountain climbing without rope.

It’s child abuse. It’s criminal negligence.

It’s your tax dollars at work.